[Yismymindblank12]

I just found out, my psychosis distorts and mixing how a person feels about me truly and confuses it with my hopes that they like me subconciously. I realized that, the people who tell me love isn't real are more miserable than me. Maybe I'm optimistic or foolish, I don't care which. I realize love is more of an impossible feat so I say I don't believe it, because what I have to do in order for something to happen. It's like everyone is A to B type relationships it feels like your taking a trip from one destination to the next it has to be this way or no way. I find it silly that people are way more insecure than I am, but in other ways I'm lonely. I am slightly afraid of being that guy with or without life success and being told, your 40/50 years old you should settle down. I don't want to be that guy so I tell myself love isn't real. So I can feel safe in my own skin without expectation, subconsciously I worry what others think and feel about me. I am afraid of being abandoned abuse or treated like dirt, because I'm not what they want and we mutually got into a relationship. I learned from past relationships, that if a woman came up to me to truly want to get to know me and really does like me. What am I talking about that won't happen!? I mean too many women feel that men should it's they are more afraid what others think, I'm different, because I show more of my feminine qualities of me first to weed out people, but all it has is shown a lot of females I'm apparently not a manly man. I don't care, I find the whole concept stupid, and I feel from my paranoia that women are screaming at me telling me, "fine we don't want you either, you *****". This may not be true at all, but it's what I've experienced, people who are nice like me don't finish last if they are convenient it's just how it goes they will be most likely checked out first. I find this whole thing stupid, because I'm not apart of a shopping list. I want to be more of a human, something fun and exciting with a friend that's a female, but that requires so many years getting to know someone who in my experiences always finds someone else in one day and leaves you dry as a friend after meeting this dude for one day.

It's pointless and silly, I have am not mentally right in the head, people who I attract want to hurt me. I've avoided dating for over a year going for two maybe five. I won't have sex anymore, because I get tired of people expecting me to be this or that. I don't want to viewed as negative when I'm trying to say I've lost hope. I don't mind other people are happy together, but keep me out of your bs and we will be fine. I deeply wish I was a woman, because I would take that life in stride, then again I don't know what I want. I may have specified what's going on, but I'm putting my thought vomit in one post. So mind it's jumbled up.

Back to what I was saying, if being a manly man, or looking or feeling strong is so important. I don't want to be apart of anyone's life then. I'm tired being viewed as something I'm not. I'm mad other people have successful relationships at the first ten tries of different people, me I can't have one person notice me.
I don't try to be interesting, I have lots of self confidence, I choose to avoid to show it and I'm not shy. I'm hurt and I prefer someone play games with me, hoping their intentions are good. I don't know if I'm just an idiot, or that I should be content with the pain I'm stuck with that I try to avoid in the room. I shove out my feelings for people, because I don't feel accepted for being me. It's sad in my community and my city. I feel like if I have feelings, just because it's me. I'm not good enough, girls don't like insecure guys, nor guys who tell them the harsh truth on things, because it's not in their perfect image. I hate feeling pressured to change for a girls approval. It makes no sense why other guys do it.

Am I the only one who finds it silly how people today view and go about saying they are in love. In reality, I've seen it, when my grandma died and my family with my grandpa her husband was with her when she was on tubes from alzhiemer's for 6 years. He spent everything that was left and it was worth it. It makes me so mad when people say they are in love, and not once someone has made any type of effort to give me the respect to being that kind and honest with me. More caddy silly games, to tease expect me to give them something then one of us has to be a **** and avoid ignore and leave, cheat etc.
It may come down to it, I'll be just like that, because what else am I supposed to do get myself beaten the crap out of when I have a crush I dread having again.

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

I'm different, because I show more of my feminine qualities

I think I might do, too, ... at least, ... the stereotypical qualities, such as not being so quick to shoot for sexy-time with a woman, regardless of what "Mr. Nudge" wants. And how I'm actually quite sensitive, and I'd go as far as to say very gentle. (an OCD-style fear of hurting the woman makes me even more gentle than I feel I already am xD) There are women that appreciate these qualities, and it's a bonus if you have other stereotypically manly traits, such as strength, little competitive, emotionally strong.

If we go by the theory that opposites attract, it would make sense that women who are stereotypical women would want stereotypical men, because they--at least to me--seem to be opposites. My point, is perhaps you should be looking towards the women who are different, quirky, unusual, etc; these women that perhaps don't fit the stereotypical gender-role, and/or don't care for the knuckle-daggers, just as you perhaps don't fit the stereotypical gender-role for a man.

I deeply wish I was a woman, because I would take that life in stride

Sure, dude, it's easy to say that, but none of us guys know what it's like to truly be a woman. I doubt even a sex-change can fully show what's it's like to grow up and live in a world as a biological female, but I don't doubt it's an eye-opener. I know it might seem like it's super easy for women; I'm guilty of this thought myself. Imaging going out the door and feeling like a target to men, as though you could be assaulted at any given moment's notice? Want to walk down an alley at night? Think again. That alone would freak me right out; I already feel unsafe as a bloke who regularly lifts weights! Then there's the periods and the one later in life. There's of course the birth; that can't be fun; so many fears to that, the responsibility, the fear that knowing it could be your body that lets you down; that must be intense. No, dude, women go through more than we realise.

Perhaps the really "good-looking" women could go around and get things handed to them by a lot of guys, but what about the many women who don't fit the typical image? What about the decent women who don't squeeze their boobs to get what they want? Remember, there are also really "good-looking" guys who do the very same thing... minus the boobs.

nor guys who tell them the harsh truth on things

Actually, I could be wrong here, but I think there are women out there that love a guy who is honest and says it how it is; there are women that are the same way. I personally can't be dealing with brutal honesty; I'm a man of tactics, at least... I can be pretty direct, but most of the time I'm too concerned with kicking up a fuss or hurting someone, especially when it comes to women; it might have something to do with my anxiety issues, though, since, an argument for me just means lots of anxiety.

[Yismymindblank12]

Interesting...
I am aware of what you are saying,
I was very vague on my reasoning behind being a woman, I do identify myself as female since along time, I share similarities with females who are attracted to women in a lesbian way, which is hot for guys too, but it's a different than that. I will also elaborate my other reasons, it's hard to explain I was a woman in a past life attracted to men sexually, but also bi curious, I knew what giving birth was like, but I can't feel it anymore. I have female hip bones, I was supposed to be a twin girl, but I found out recently about that. My sister miscarried, I lived and was made a boy shortly after she was gone according to my mom in an ultrasound finding out about me being alive.

I appreciate the feedback a lot.

I know on the honesty thing, but I think if not in a disrespectful way. I've been everywhere talking to girls casually as a friend, because I like to be around girls kinda like a female friend like them, deep down. If I like someone I'll make it known, but I end up talking to the girl she gets my honest opinion, and gets mad on subject she thinks she knows and I'm not challenging her on intelligence she takes it personally and assumes I'm sexist, because I know my ****. I didn't say she was stupid or insignificant, she put herself in that position assuming me as trying to put myself over all women's smarts. It was very irrational, it wasn't just my ex who did this, it's girls I end up talking to that like me are very much like this. I know the girl is super smart and it's sexy to me, but find out they are very arrogant and prefer to brag how much smarter better they are than other girls. I get you have pride, but arrogance and ignorance are my biggest turn offs. I find this stuff out like everyone else in small talk when I first meet people as for friends, but if the girl likes me or assumes, I'm all up in her goods, because she is attractive to every guy she wants attention she receives, but it's kinda funny when she gets mad that I'm not buying her BS.

I don't have that kind of negativity in my life, but it's hard, to want something you know would work, but the time for it to happen in reality is like slim to none.

I knew I didn't want marriage or children, I think is a result of my previous life and current one of valuing independence single than married. Enjoying life in the pursuit of myself not in the pursuit of others.

I don't see true relationships, because people say they are in love, it's either lust, or an illusion and it's sad when my friends guys and girls fool themselves into loving a random person off the street or at a party and have a one night stand and assume they are like lovers.

It absolutely abhorrent to me, the girls I love aren't in my reach, because they think they are better than everyone else so they go for higher standards what they think in their minds. My whole life was not set on standards, I made standards happen, because in grade school highschool and life, I never stood in one crowd. I was the intellect of my class, but reserved and hidden knew the lies of the society we lived in and experienced a new appreciation for living.

The girls I like don't exist and if they do in my area, many cases I mean don't exist as in they are real, but if they were to be close friends with me and maybe date me in the future. I'd be content with that simple stuff.

I kinda see people my age only want sex, I work on my body and work out and get a job and work on myself to look more attractive. Change the way I look to be happy for myself, and show I am. Despite that, and mad patience for over 3 years. I've met a **** load of situations of wanting to be alone, because when someone came up to me and I want to tell them how I feel, but in reality when I did. Everything in culture is a lie about telling a girl how you feel, sometimes I feel like I'm not sexually attractive enough on my looks, which I know isn't true, because of what I've been told, by friends, girls I mean that are my close friends. Females in public etc, but then again. I question it a lot, as in am I if I had to be chosen between channing tatum, zac effron, weird celeb crushes, some guy they like a lot, some guy down the street they like, then me at the low end of the totem pole.
It makes me feel like, it's better to quit and give up trying and ignore people. Maybe someone will come up to me, eventually and want to be my friend, but has not ever happened even in my social states where I've been very charasmatic, and when someone really likes me they only want to be my friend, but I get it and respect it highly.
The only part that confuses me, is why? why do girls come up to me to waste my time instead of someone else's why can't they just bugger the bloke next to me who doesn't know what's going on and is having a good time like me and better chance to get what you want from him than me. Who'd rather spend time in my own head and ignore, because it hurts at this point to even want anything.

It's like this culture has bugged the **** out of me, and this lack of self responsibility from young men and women. Has thrown me over the edge, and makes me question any credibility from anyone. I'm very sharp, and I know when someone is BSing me, and I know when a girl wants me to leave her alone because she's too all bottled up to be friendly to anyone and rather speak to the guy she see's first on her female boner scale.

I'm sorry, it feels like, no matter what I do, I want this loneliness to go away, but it's like a bad itch and it hasn't gotten away. I'm avoiding to irritation and ignore the situation, but it's gotten very unbearable. I feel mostly unloved and unworthy, even my confidence shows otherwise. I may seem fake, but I ask them am I fake, but they were confused, because they thought I was genuine.
So I'm more confused, I personally hate this male body, because I want to be asexual. I am at the point for a long time, I don't want to be sexually attracted to anyone anymore, because it's hindered my life goals. I want to live life with people, without having the need to wank every day 3 to 5 times a day. I don't want to be sexually attracted to women to fall in the same traps and mistakes as everyone else, because my brain is cloudy from my body destroying my emotions.

It's so frustrating being a man, I wanted that two sided female capabilities to shut off completely this function.

I'm not frustrated not getting laid and I don't want it, I'm frustrated having it in the first place and hindering the quality of my relationships with females.

Either that or have me so sexually active it's not that big of a deal anymore. I had sex with 4 females, 2 close friends, 2 ex girlfriend's. I am expecting this to grow, because I meet girls who are mutual with me and want to have sex with me. I don't get attached with sex, I may do it a little bit, but not to the extent what most females to expect me to get all emotional after having it. It's why I'm good at it, and why I don't want to date women who mix love and sex together.

I know this is completely stupid, but I don't like marriage with the aspect of being stuck with that person to have your boner go crazy and expect your body to stop putting shame on your sexuality closeting yourself. Showing dominance, but not enjoying it.

The true issue is, I don't like this society how it treats kinky people, sex, and how ignorant a lot of women are of their own I've met. It's my main turn off, and I don't have to ask or say anything to them. I know, if they say to make it obvious from what they are trying to put themselves out. This doesn't happen all the time, but too frequently. I ideally want to date a slightly older female, maybe 2 - 3 years older than me max.

Someone who is full of zest, life full of energy, and in tune with the earth and their surroundings with others, someone with compassion, someone who is kinky, someone who is happy to see me the good and bad, and someone who truly knows me and won't use that to take advantage of me like my last 3 ex's who did.

I haven't dated in a year, I don't want to date maybe next year, but that might not be the case. I may not want to date at all, and leave that thought completely away, because all it does cause frustration. I don't meet these people in random encounters like I do, it's like a sick tease life throws at me. Trying to get me flustered and excited happy someone is a girl, who doesn't want me for sexual pleasure, nor, isn't a fake person, but turns out never to be true.

It's like subconsciously I want to have feelings for a girl, but if I do it won't happen, and if I do, people will do horrible things to me like it's a war to get the prize of the female. It's some sick form of objectification, I see from people I avoid those situations, I don't chase, I'm not foolish to chase. It's like, I want that person at my level and I hear so many times their are people like that everywhere you'll be fine.

Well they never noticed me, I've not met much of these people. When I do, they are more like assholes on how they come off, when I know their intentions aren't.

Like the last two girls I crushed on, it's like they are not my type I found out, but it's like I want to feel safe secure in my own head and have a friend who is female, but I don't tell girls I like this, because when I did. They got over whelmed. I am telling you what I have done, and it's not helped, so most of the time. I shut out the world and focus on me.

If my music kicks off and I get lots of money, which may happen very soon, I feel like this will get a whole lot worse. I would feel much more lonely, because I'll have to find a female who has lots of money and is independent like me or someone who truly is genuine, but it just means my pool gets much smaller if I get a lot more money. I won't ever disclose that information if they don't know.

I feel like, I prefer foreign women over american women any day. This is coming from an american, because I love culture, I love being apart of new cultures new family new life. I love, to be with a person who is from the UK, because we would have a shared heritage and ties to the UK, my mother was born there I was born american. I truly loved to be with an english girl, even though I am scottish decent, I like the contrast of cultures.
Also english girls, I've went crazy for since ever. It's not just the accents it's everything, because it feels like home to me. Like a close friend from home.

I hope and truly feel that, relationships with american women, are 0 to no chance for me. I don't get into that garbage of superficiality. I want you to see on this point what you think, because?

I'll never truly know, I'm not too picky on looks, but their is specific symmetry I like which is more broad than anything else. Doesn't matter on nationality or anything. I know I get very weird in describing this, because it feels like a shopping list, when I don't mean it that way. It's what I've liked. There maybe a polar shift in my mood on this paragraph's because in my rants, I find something that makes me happy and english females nail it for me.

Maybe an english girl who I may meet, wants to be my best friend, from me acting silly or stupid like I do as a life of the party. She may want to share her life story or have me travel abroad with her, some days I dream about this stuff as like a hopeless romantic type. In the same manner when girls, dream about their country living/loving, truck driving, hunk, who has muscles and isn't afraid to get dirty and lays with her under the stars type of ordeal.

Does this make sense?