[Daycia]

When trying to trust again would you say it is okay to ask your bf to show you his phone and text messages?

We have had a heated discussion prior. I had done the big no no and looked at his phone. I saw many texts and flirts on his phone with other women. I've since then worked on resisting the urge to look. He's got a password on his phone now and I just have this feeling he's hiding something.
I finally got him to understand his texting and comments towards other women are very hurtful and disrespectful to me. Makes me look dumb and I can't take it. He got upset saying he's not cheating on me. He's had plenty of offers of sex no strings attached offers and he hasn't done anything. Texting isn't cheating. I agree, but it IS disrespectful and rude and I don't deserve that. He refused to see himself in the wrong. I left for a couple hours very ticked off. When I returned he came to me held me and apologized. Promising me he will not do it again. I just feel like he's hiding something. He will not leave his phone alone with me and I feel something is "off".
I've always been right about this feeling but I don't want to cause a fight before the work week again.
I feel asking is better than snooping, but if he knows I'm going to want proof he's keeping his word he will delete things.
He says he wants us to have a trusting relationship that I am having to prove to him that I will be a happier more positive person I've begun therapy and am trying very hard. These urges or feelings are really bringing me down though. I feel if I ask and if I get rejected I will be more upset and suspicious and try to snoop. If there is an issue I know I should just end things. This is the biggest issue I have and only issue I have in this relationship. So I do not know what to do. It has been eating me up inside for at least 4 days now.
Any suggestions? Possible scenarios and outcomes and responses to it?

Daycia

[meina]

hi, In my humble opionion, you must discontinue this relationship. Sorry to say that but it seems to me that your instinct is pushing you towards end but your heart is not following the direction.
Second thing is that do what he is doing in exactly the same way. He would be very much angry on that. If he is wrong, he would never allow you to have text messages of other boys and keep it secret in the way he is doing.
Third option is play dead. It means, you do not let him suspect on your intentions. Just be silent and loving to him like always. But keep an eye on his activities. When you find something serious, act at that time. Till that time, play dead.
Rest up to you, but pl do not waste your time- act wisely and immediately.
Hope it will help you.
Thanks

[Daycia]

Meina,
Thank you. Playing dead is hard. We've got a lease together and I've allowed myself to sell all my big items (bed, pots, dishes, tv, etc). It's basically a marriage without to marriage law type ties. I know I can leave and I know I should. I know what or how he thinks is wrong. Despite no matter if I'm texting guys or hanging with guy friends he seriously doesn't care because he believes and trusts I'm not going to actually do anything. I guess that gets under my skin bad. And he thinks I should just deal with it and trust he isn't going to do anything at all to hurt me.
I've got many many past issues that keep me from having a "normal" mind/relationship but I'm trying. And if I have to focus only and all on me I will. I have been being distant lately and doing a lot of thinking. I've told him I need to think but not breaking up. So we will see how he handles this I guess.

Daycia

[hamster-bamster]

Could it be that you are upset that the situation is asymmetrical - your hanging out with guy friends does not bother him, but his texting girls bothers you?

[healingme4me]

If he's meeting your needs in a relationship, and his actions show no reason not to trust, trust grows and builds over time. It's transparency that helps relationships thrive.

Telling you he's had plenty of no string offers, gives no reason to trust. That's not transparent, that's cruel.

[hvert]

I am a little confused -- is he actually flirting/fooling around with other women? I'm not sure from reading these posts if he is untrustworthy or if this is an insecurity kind of thing.

If I understand this correctly, he is flirting via text with other women but telling you that nothing happened and claiming that you just have to trust him. He's making it sound like it's your trust problem, not his untrustworthiness. That's a sign, to me, to run for the hills. Telling you that he turns down lots of offers for no-strings sex is no way to make you have confidence in him, either. He shouldn't be getting those kinds of offers if he is letting people know he isn't available, you know?

What made you look at the phone in the first place?