[youzou]

Well, I don't know where to begin!
I think I am smart person, I was accepted in NODET (A type of school in Iran, which accept student base on their IQ, Google National_Organization_for_Development_of_Exceptional_Talents, while I was below average student in school.
I never like studying, I ran away from school. I like inventing things.
Anyway, I can continue living, by controlling people, I know how to have people around me. I know how to lie to them to be around me, how to pretend. But in the personal level, when it gets emotional, suddenly, I don't know how to react. I have not a sexual relationship with anyone. I mean I don't like to have it right now.
I got 14, and I did whatever I can to stop myself. Because I like invention, I like to be an inventor. Study, create things, and of course I hate books!!!!
Anyway, I started with Tony Robbins, and after that religious, and after that in 19 I accept that I cannot avoid masturbation, so I relieved myself, and say go boy!
I had my first serious girlfriend at the first year of the university.
First that I understand that I like her, I avoid her. Propose to my friends to come and get her, so she wouldn't be available so I can work on my project, which I do not put much effort on them too!
Anyway, after one semester of not going to the school, I said myself that I should ask her. In a day, I directly told her that I like you, and if you like me, I want to spend sometime with you and know each other. Seemingly, my move was bold. She told me later that anyone else would ask her to lend her notes or other indirect approaches. Immediately after that, she asked me to come with her, and be with her publicly at school.
And then I realized that many guys asked her, but she rejected them all. My best friends even, and everyone hated me!! I was hit, I received threat notes, and I was cursed!
But.... I did not like to ask her for her phone number. Strange! right? I feel that I am crossing some line, in my mind. I like to be purely perfect. No force, nothing! She ,if she wants, would give me. I never touched or took her hand, which is not very unaccustomed in the Iran's society, but it was very strange in the relationships happenings around us. Even people mocked us that me on one side of the university and she on the other side, and we communicate with smoke!
I am a bold person, in the appearance. I am known to do things that no one else would dare. I stood in front of my boss. But I believe that I inside my castle sit in a corner alone. And people see the appearance of the castle. Many of my friends call me for advice, to talk. But me, for myself, I am not very happy. I like someone holds me and keeps me out of trouble.
I was stubborn with my parents even. I do not curse or swear. But I have not a talk with my mother or father.
When I was 5 I was in a trip alone, with my uncle, and I don't remember that I even think about my mum.
Before that, I cried in my bed, that sometimes my mum would die. I wrote letters to God that I die before her, or give my remaining life to her.
Life was not very valuable to me. I liked fantasy, even now, I like to watch movies, listen to musics to get away and go to a fantasy world.
I don't like books, my scores and GPA is not very good, but it is superb comparing the no time of my study.

I like to be a good student. I like to continue my study, in the field that I love. I don't like reading books though! Yet I am practicing. I recently read a book "Why do I do that?". I can read romantic funny novels. I am a dreamer.
I have never had a fight. I am big, strong. Anyone was surprised that I have not had a fight. I am so scared in fights. I cry without reason. I know that I can beat him, but my body automatically react. I don't know...
I had a year of consultation, an hour a week, with a psychotherapist. She said you probably have OCD, OCPD, and BP type 2.
I used drugs too. At first, I did not enjoy dreaming, like before, but the sequence was broken when I want to get a girlfriend.
I never asked her, I could, but she react very strange too. She become my friend a year ago. While we meet, she hug and kiss everyone but me, she say I am ugliest person she ever meet, yet she told me her personal matters, she said that if I had not a narcissistic personality, I would be at the top of the pyramid of her friends. I think she like me, but something put her away. She doesn't like me, but she likes me too.
I don't know.
I tried to say everything... I don't know what is wrong.

[Travelinglady]

Hello, youzou, and welcome to Psych Central! It's hard for me to even guess what might be happening with you. Feel free to read and post in the forums. We have ones for all sorts of disorders, and, as you read you might see if the ones you mentioned sound like how you feel and what you do.

We have social groups and chat rooms for members to use after they get five posts approved, so you can see about them, too.

I hope things will go better for you soon.