[Rapunzel]

Here's a quote that feels so profound to me, I had to share it:
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Our choice of partners are not random. They are, in this sense, two people's unfinished selves seeking completion, but the completion they seek is in reality an attempt to see the self more fully. They are not two halves making a whole but two selves in progress toward each becoming whole so that they can, as Rainer Maria Rilke puts it, become "guardians of each other's solitudes...," partners in their mutual soulmaking.

from "Heartwounds: The Impact of Unresolved Trauma and Grief on Relationships" by Tian Dayton, Ph.D.

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You know how when you keep getting the same message over and over from various sources, after a while it seems that it is a message you might ought to pay attention to? Besides this book, T has been telling me that there is a reason why couples match up and why they stay together. Peter D. Kramer made that point too in "Should You Leave?" (another really good book that is about a lot more than just whether you should stay in a relationship or not). Kramer noted that there is a reason why couples get together, even when it seems like an unequal match. Maybe one seems very accomplished and the other doesn't seem to compare, or maybe one is good-looking and seems to have it all together, and the other is socially clueless. But they are invariably a closer match than it seems, because the one who seems to have all the strengths also has weaknesses, and the one who seems to be the lesser partner has hidden strengths. The two complete each other in ways not aparent to the casual observer. (Kramer excluded cases of obvious abuse, etc. from his discussion for various reasons).

The quote from Tian Dayton reminded me of this idea about couples completing each other, but with a new twist. The object isn't to make one whole out of two halves, but to make two whole people, building on each other's strengths and helping each other to find what they need to fill in the gaps.

What do you think?

Rap

[Raynaadi]

Thats how I've always felt in my relationships. That we're 2 wholes. Not 2 halfs trying to make a whole. However, I do love that line "you complete me". I don't look at that though, as someone completing "me" but more someone filling that hole that needs to be filled for the reasons we all want to love someone and be loved. I tend though, to want to keep my indivuality in relationships. It's been a problem in my past, because I stay my own person. I'd rather be my own person and alone then be half a person, needing another person to make me whole.

So I like the quote!

[Rapunzel]

Exactly. It captures what has really bothered me about my circumstances. I wanted to be healthy, to be whole on my own, and that was what I missed out on by getting married too soon, not giving myself the chance to try to become who I needed to become. It's what we lose when we are in enmeshed relationships, whether with a partner, a parent, sibling, child, ... If you can't tell where you stop and another person starts, you can't be a whole individual. I don't want to be half of someone or something else. I want to learn how to be me.

[Smilie]

You speak of enmeshment . I am familiar a little. But I would like you to assume I know nothing of this.Please educate me on what you know through study and if you know by experience.I believe there is more for me to learn on this subject. Thanks

Smilie

[Smilie]

It sound so beautiful doesn't it?

Smilie

[Fuzzybear]