[Yismymindblank12]

I know this will sound really bad, but I really hope my bio parents divorce.

Only because of what my dad says about my mom and how my mom is codependent and trying to kill herself by medicating herself on food for her problems and now has a gambling addiction.

My dad just showed up and said in an angry way, " I just left her *** their she wouldn't stop playing. I said, **** it you can stay there the whole night. I don't care." and that was it. This isn't the first or last comments that are like this. My mom isn't a bad person, she's just very neglectful of herself and puts her problems on others. I don't blame my dad for being pissed, but he can't divorce her, because of financial reasons she screwed him over, by screwing herself over being financially stupid and not responsible. Setting a poor example to me and my sister, my mom cares about me and my sister a lot, except she's bad at showing it, like really really bad.

She doesn't get along with her mom because she takes everything out of proportion and gets overly emotional over the stupidest things. This isn't a mom thing, I know, because I don't meet any other mothers like mine who act like a child. She has childish screaming and yelling arguments with my sister, she is very professional and acts her age at work, but pretends to be a mom and be cool hiding her true nature to all my friends and their parents of course.

My mom is very sex negative, I hate my sexuality, my body, and how I am with wanting to be a woman and having sex with whomever, but I'm being responsible with protection. Paying for my own **** and I moved out before, but where I lived it was a messed up situation. I don't blame her for my problems, but she aggravated them. My therapists and my doctors and other people professionals know she is the main contributor of my stress.

I'm not saying this to be mean, but it's just how it is. I don't know how my dad can survive financially without my mom's job, but if she dies. I midas well throw in the towel and be homeless and I'd have to quit my job, because I can't support the house I live in myself. If my mom died, I would commit suicide, because I don't have people understand me. I feel like my dad would be heartbroken, because he lost his best friend because she can't take care of herself and she is in constant denial about whatever. I'll never know. I've talked about this with my younger sister in college forever.

We came to the conclusion something will **** everything up and we'll all be screwed. I mean, **** it. I felt like a rag doll all my life my dad is about to walk out the door, but can't because my mom drove him in her pit of financial stupidity. We are in so much debt. It's been 2008 we were in almost a quarter of a million for the banks taking our home illegally with illegal mortgage adjustments plus my moms poor use in credit cards she didn't pay off and my parents credit scores are in the crapper permanently in the market crash. I live my rest of my life suffering with out food. She promised me food earlier today after work for me.

I didn't hear anything from her except my dad flipping out.

Man, I'm either going to be homeless or dead before I turn 25. I don't want to date or do what my sister does with her bf and live with him etc, because no girl would do what my sister could do. Seriously, my friends, would expect me to pay out my ***. It's like I'd go buy a gun and just shoot myself that same day, after that, because what's the point of living if you can't afford life nor have a reason to, because the only people who gave you hope gave up on themselves each other and you.

It's like, I was an orphan growing up. They weren't around much ever growing up in my life anyways both of my parents were at work all the time. I never got to talk or see them till I hit 8th or technically high school. It's like what is family, and on top of that. Why do people put so much emphasis having all this crap and drama and material stuff or egos. When I just want a happy family and a life to live.

I wouldn't pay for my medical bills either and my condition would get much worse. It would be the end for me. I would get over looked by my friends and people who I thought would give me aid in a fundraiser like other people with my problems medically. I'd honestly, wish I had money so my parents can be free. I want them to be financially free and safe for life. My mom to live longer if I got married and my dad to be around or if not be happy to do what he wants.

I'm serious about that, it's not happy. It's hell, I only wanted a music career for my parents to be free. So I can have closure, but if they kill themselves. What the **** am I doing here, I mean living life isn't that all great. It's a big pain, doing what everyone does. I'd wish I could just revoke my identity as a citizen live in the wild and be on my own as a hermit, living my life in constant immersion of adventure mentally. Alone and dissociated with my current life, because anything is better than this. I don't even know. My mom has heart disease stuff, thyroid, and really bad, symptoms resembling heart attacks and strokes. I mean I had plenty of close calls having to call 911 about my mom having a heart attack and immediately seeking medical help as a child, but it's too real now. Being told it will all work out, makes me want to kill myself, because so far it's doing the opposite than that.

I mean if I lose both my parents before I turn 30. Why the **** am I even here? I'd fine more peace in the nothingness of existing as whatever or not. Just not feeling what I feel now than forever doesn't seem all that bad.
I just feel hopeless. I'm not even scared about life and death anymore, just indifferent and hopeless, because no one cares. Sadly that's all I have been growing up and continue to see in my house and in public.

Sometimes I wonder if I'd die now, that my parents would be more appreciative of things or my mom would seriously would get her act together or just continue her path of self destruction. I seriously and beyond unhappy I'm indifferent in my quality of life and surviving barely isn't living. It's like dying very very slowly. This is bluntly how I've felt since ever. No hospital, drugs, professionals, whatever is going to do anything to fix this, just give stupid warm blankets and warm coco and a pat on the back, "there there it will all be better soon."

That whole statement it will all work out, has tired it's meaning. It's lost any value to me, because it lacks the substance to be anything credible in my situation. I don't seem to come off as pessimistic. I really go around telling myself so I don't be, but what am I supposed to do. Beat myself up and say it's ok after punching my face till I'm bleeding with a broken nose and eyes. I don't get why people think that's normal. I mean I wish my friends and people who say that stuff to me understand, what would you do if you were in my shoes? They never come up with a rational answer, because they won't ever. Their life has worked out in some way or another and it was cushy and nice from the get go mine wasn't. I had to work way harder for nothing. It's like dying is a lot of work to. I'm trapped in an existence of slavery to being a live.

It's like show me the exit sign and get me far away from these crazy people, who call themselves human. Make not a human, I'd rather exist as something else, no more religion, countries nothing. I'd want something simple far away and safe. If that made sense.

[Chirys]

That's a lot to swallow, but i'll give it a shot.

I understand to a point where you're coming from. My parents are in the process of finishing up their divorce, and the last few years have been an absolute nightmare. Him sober maybe a combined 2 days of the year, her locking herself away in her room and drinking herself and smoking herself right to death along with him. The family limping along from paycheck to paycheck, trying to make ends meet with 1 adult in school and the other putting the bottle down just long enough to get a couple days of work in a week.

They both love me very much, more than just about anything else, and I believe them. But living with them furthered my own problems much more than anything else could have.

I turned 20, and moved out with my boyfriend at the time. Because I realized that their problems can't be my problems. They'll sink or swim, and they'll do it together or apart, but I can't keep being involved in it. And even now, I don't know any of the details of their separation. I don't know who's asking for what, or when the court dates are, or any of that. Because it's not my problem.

I love my parents, I really do, but because of my environment I grew up fast. I had to. And I had to make an adult decision, to put my needs above theirs, and to love and support them from afar so that I could work on my own life.

Being on my own took a lot of stress off of me. More financial stress, sure, but I've always been happy with just enough money to pay the bills and a small bit of extra on the side. It remains to this day the best decision I've ever made. Both for them, and for me. And shortly after I left, my mom announced that she was moving out and filing. And it honestly made me happy. I've never seen them as happy together as they now are apart.

So far as life not being worth it, I feel you there 110%. All the way. As far as I could see, life consisted of the world shitting on you all the time, while you got to watch everyone else be happy. No matter what I did, no matter how many decent days (because there were NEVER good days, just ones where the urge to die wasn't quite so overwhelming) I had, there were fist fulls of bad ones waiting around the corner. And my predominant thought on waking most of the time was "this can't possibly be worth it".

Since my boyfriend convinced me to try antidepressants, I've since had good days. And great days. And while I'm not entirely on the band wagon yet, I can say this - I don't know if slogging through all the bad days is worth the good ones. In fact, I'm sure its not.

But that's why people keep going. Because those good days? They're really good. They're contentment, they're curling up under a blanket with a good book and being happy to be alive, because if you were dead you would never be so comfortable, with dinner in the oven, and a cat curled up on your lap. And that's why people keep on. With the hope that maybe they can get to have more of those good days.

I don't know if I've helped. But I hope I have. At the very least, you aren't alone.

Feel free to shoot me a pm any time Sending good thoughts your way.