[mulan]

I can't have a normal life, and by these days I have been wondering how much should I prevent myself from trying to have a social life, in order to not suffer.

I have so many psychological issues, and I think they can't really be fixed. I am so tired of suffering. I am very sure I can't have one single friend, specially making new friends.

I can't avoid having to be with other people, and I shouldn't have to, and I didn't want to.

It happens I am a really boring person. Every conversation with me, every conversation with anyone ends up in akward silence, and when there is not silence there is me, trying to made up things to say, that I don't really care about. Or many of the times I want to say something on a conversation, it turns out out of the context, it bores the other people. I would bore myself at least with the things I say. People don't get atached to me, and I don't blame them, I now it's my fault.

But this gets my life to be impossible to live. As it is expected I am also very shy, but being like this there is no way I can improve my confidence, just the opposite.

Yesterday I was in class, far from home, so I couldn't went home for lunch, I didn't know any place to eat. I didn't want to have lunch on a public place alone and than have to wait three hours all by myself until the next class.

At the time right before lunch, me and my class got out of the morning class. A class with 32 people. I was thinking about asking some girls to have lunch with me...they started to making plans and leave right away, any of them look after me, and I was right beside, they just got a away very quickly. A punch in the stomach, should I say.

So I went to the exit there watching some people leaving, any of them caring about me. I got the courage and I asked some of them if I could have lunch with them. But I hate to be the outsider in a group of close friends, the not they don't really want there.

I hate my life, I hate how I am constantly letting myself down by telling myself I am boring. But that is the reality and reality hurts. I felt so bad yesterday, I just skipped classes today.

[healingme4me]

((((Mulan))))

College I found to be so hard, at various times, for similar reasons as you've described. I still don't quite understand why it is. Just wanted to send ((((gentle hugs))))

[Parley]

Give yourself a little credit? That took courage to ask a group of people if you could sit with them. I bet at least one of them admired that and wished they had that courage. That can build friendships.

I'm older now and have no problems eating alone but I don't think i'd ask a group of women if I could sit with them. It just isn't in me.

I wish you the best of luck.