Helping out friend but friend won't reciprocate

I have a dear friend living on the edge of poverty that I want to help financially. Her car is somewhat dangerous to drive. It keeps stalling. She doesn't have the money to get it fixed, let alone buy something more dependable. I have the means to help her out. I told her that I would give her $3,000 to buy a car. My stipulations were to buy a certified used car (not any old thing advertised in the newspaper or Craigslist) and to clean my apartment once a month. She does house-cleaning on the side. She balked at the cleaning part of the deal saying that two Fridays of the month were already taken up with her cleaning job and that she didn't want to work any other weekends at all.

This really hurt my feelings. I'm not asking her to pay back the money, because I know she doesn't haven't the means to do so. Besides, I really want to help her out, because she's my friend. It took her a lot just to ask me for help. I thought that she would want to "work it off." I'm beginning to think that it will come between us if she doesn't clean my apartment in exchange for the money. She has cleaned my apartment before and it takes her less than 4 hours. I live within 20 minutes driving distance of her apartment and 10 minutes from her work. I understand that she's tired after work. I'm not saying what day or time she has to clean. That's up to her. I may be moving out of the area in a couple years, so she would be released from that obligation. Am I being unreasonable in insisting that she clean my apartment once a month for 3 years max in exchange for $3,000?

Just want some perspective...

It's okay for you to make that offer and it is okay for her to refuse it. If you gave her 3k and she cleaned your house 36 times, that seems about even, like you are prepaying for her work.

It's also okay for you to decide that you don't want to give her 3k after all, which is what I would decide. If you do give it to her, just do it without conditions and forget about it. You aren't going to be able to hold her to anything. It seems a bit ... rude? on her part to ask you for help and then get upset when you offer her a job instead of a freebie.

Yeah, I can't afford her cleaning rates at $20/hour. I have an inheritance from my grandmother, however I do not have control over it. The trustee will let me use the money to pay for things like school, unexpected large medical bills like a hospital copay. Otherwise, I have no access to it. I have to save for anything I want. I can't afford cable. I have a digital converter box for my analog TV but it only gets a few oddball channels. I study every single day for 6-8 hours - no days off. And she doesn't want to work weekends or a second job?

Actually, $3,000 would cover 30 cleanings. Anyway, I don't understand why she wouldn't want to clean if she's getting paid. And what about the other times that I paid her to clean for me. She was doing me a favor? Otherwise she would not do it? This cleaning thing started when I had leg problems and couldn't be on my feet long enough to clean and she was looking for extra cash. I don't get it.

I don't think you're being unreasonable but I do think you're being naïve. The FASTEST way to lose a friend is to give them or let them borrow money. It almost never works out. One day you'll see her with a new XYZ and it will piss you off. Or she won't come through with cleaning your apartment. Were you going to have a contractual obligation? Even so, you'd have to take her to court and sue if there was a breach of contract! Do you see how this gets complicated fast? I'd stay out of it. Its nice that you want to help your friend, but its best to keep financial matters out of friendships.

she may not trust herself to keep the bargain. given your perspective, keep the money & stay a friend.

ChipperMonkey -- I'm seeing that now. I wish I had never offered...

Tell her you changed your mind -- or that you can't come up with the money at all. There's something messed up with this situation if she knows you can't afford cable and wants you to give her 3k.

I agree with what Chipper Monkey and hvert wrote. You're a good friend, but maybe she doesn't want money to come between you two. Or she could just be to proud to take you up on your offer to help her out. Only you'll know why she's refusing her help for sure.

ShyIntrovert: She'll take the money, but she doesn't want to give anything in return. Since I know that she cannot pay me back financially and that she doesn't want to receive a handout, I asked her to clean for me. She refuses to let her boyfriend to buy her drinks when they go out. I'm shocked that she objected to the work-money exchange. Don't know what's going on with her in that regard. She just had a death in the family this morning, so I probably won't hear from her for awhile.

You offered her a deal and, for better or worse, she declined.

My suggestion would be to leave it at that. I cannot see anything good coming out of speculation as to why she declined, or out of seeming indignant that she declined.

Consider your offer withdrawn and, if possible, go back to being friends who are not entangled with each other financially.

This is the kind of an arrangement that could lead to a lot of hard feelings. I would advise you to just drop the whole idea. If it was she who approached you looking for financial help, then she was way out of line.

You are not in a position to be doing favors for people to the tune of $3000. One of these days you're going to have to replace your own car. You'll need that 3 grand yourself.

If you can't afford cable why come up with 3000.00 for someone thats already showing that she is probably not going to do what is right?

Don't feel "guilted" into doing this.

I agree with keeping friends and money seperate.

PS if shes making 20.00 an hour she afford to fix her car or get a loan to buy herself a car.