[jarajaramelon]

i red this article thing, about addictive love. and it's actually quite like my situation. i liked a guy when i was 13, i was like TOTALLY in love with him. and he made me feel so happy and i wanted to make him happy too, but he didnt love me. so i held on till the end of the year, and he went with a friend of me. years later i met him again, and it went well for a while, and just held on to the sweet stuff he did like just telling me about his day. but then i just.. felt worthless or something. i felt like i was not enough. so i was really confused why i couldnt do anything and why i wasnt happy anymore. and i was so desperate about finding out why, if there was a disorder or something which make me behave this way, because i kept being "YOURE MEAN, YOURE MEAN" and spam him everyday. he felt like i was doing it on purpose. it felt so bad.. but it was just, i wanted to scream for help or something. i felt so empty. and i just wanted to feel happy again. so i thought: maybe its gone, maybe i dont love him anymore. but i couldnt accept that. so i went on and on and on spamming him and finally he blocked me which i deserve. but im still so confused. do i love him? maybe its because there is nothing else in my life but him. friends dont matter, fun moments or anything.. i cant even have fun. its just that i want to be good for him. and the only thing i do is make him feel bad. its even hard to eat, though mostly i just eat kinda much. i just feel i am not loyal to him. firstly because i talked to his friends and made a total shame of him because he talked to such a retarted person as me, secondly because yeah, i dont eat, cant have fun, thats just pathetic. and thirdly because i tried on 10000 guys.. and he was the 5th guy of the year. i really dont know why. though stuff like that went over within a month, i really wanna be there only for him and it sounds so weird when already trying on 4 guys. that i dont really believe i really like him. i would take myself alot of more serious in this thing if i didnt try on 4 guys.. im so ashamed about myself and think no one can take me serious, because there's alot of more than this. i just want to know what to do about it and whats the problem in the first place. maybe its important to know after he went with my friend, i went to a clinic hostel and was given alot of medication. and i did absolutely. nothing. except sitting on a chair and thinking about what happend. then i felt so lonely, i didnt care who it was i just wanted to get hugged and kissed and just everything. i came out and started with my plan immediately to search guys who have liked me before. after a few months, i dated someone and almost got pregnant. he broke up with me and then i just realised i didnt want that, because it maybe felt good for a while, but it was just to fill me up from this unending emptyness. and then i met him again. and felt just as empty. but i like him. i want him to feel fine. i care. i dont want to do bad stuff. and it feels like just everything i do is bad.

"Addictive love is marinated in desperation. You feel you cannot live without this person. You need him to feel complete. Though you no longer feel good about yourself like you did when you were “infatuated with him,” you, nevertheless, feel you can’t leave him.
“But I love him” has become your mantra. Despite rarely enjoying being with him, you love him. Despite being constantly criticized, you love him. Despite crying about insults you’ve received, you love him. Despite being afraid of his anger, you love him.

Clearly, addicted love does not listen to logic. It does not respect reason. It does not give credence to other people’s counsel. Despite your self-worth hitting a new low, you don’t leave the RELATIONSHIP. Just like a drug addict, you cannot give up your drug of choice."

[kaliope]

hi jarajaramelon
have you thought of speaking to a therapist about this? the emptiness, the relationshp issues are also criteria of borderline disorder. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[Melomelon]

Originally Posted by kaliope

hi jarajaramelon
have you thought of speaking to a therapist about this? the emptiness, the relationshp issues are also criteria of borderline disorder. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

thank you so much! i red some articles about borderline, and i can really relate to this. i was always randomly saying "everyone hates me", because i felt abandoned. and then in relationships i was blaming them for no reason because i felt bad and threatned them with breaking up and cutting myself. always when i was in love
i loved to say "you know me the best" and stuff. and i always feared losing them and clinged on to them. people were so scared about how manipulative i was.. i always have nightmares about surviving. and when i was a little child, i screamed and cried about nothing and refused to admit that i was wrong. i dont know, maybe i was just spoiled, people have called me like that many times.. but one question: i red that some borderlnes only used love for surviving, but can borderlines actually "love"? and how is it like? is it like this? because i feel so heartless and empty..

[kaliope]

I don't know what it's like to be borderline because I'm not borderline. My sister was borderline. I know that in her own way she loved. And I know there's different levels of borderline. If you work it you can manage your emotions. There's a treatment called DBT that is successful at helping you manage your emotions. It takes hard work and commitment but it can be done good luck

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