[stateofgrace]

Hi there, I don't really know which section would be best to be posting this in, whether it's this one, or anxiety or depression, I'm not sure. But I'm new here and I've been trying to deal with the issues I'm having on my own, but it's just not boding well for me. I thought maybe this would be a good place to let out what I have in my head and also hopefully get some insight and advice from people who may understand. I'm sorry for the long post, for those who bear with me, thank you.

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 10 months. I'm 24, he's 26. I know it's a fairly new relationship. Things went a little fast in a the beginning. I had gotten out of a three year relationship about 5 months prior to meeting him. I felt like I was in a good place though, when I met him. I was finally feeling happy and my boyfriend came along with everything I said I wanted in my next relationship. It frightened me a little bit. Like a "too good to be true" kind of logic. But I went with it. He told me he loved me after a month of knowing me. That also freaked me out. But I got over it. I didn't say it back to him until I truly felt it (a few months later) and he was very understanding. He is truly an amazing person, and although he's very different than anyone else I've been with, it's overall been fantastic. I'm attracted to him, we have so much fun together, he makes me laugh, we go on adventures, we have similar interests, he sleeps at my place quite a bit (which I love), he makes me feel good about myself, we know each other's friends and families...it's been great. I do genuinely feel like I love him, and I do believe he loves me.

The problem is...when I'm alone, not with my boyfriend (when everything is perfectly fine and I'm over the moon happy) my anxieties take over my thoughts and cause me to think of everything negatively. I overlook the positives in the relationship and think about little menial things as negatives. I have doubts in the relationship sometimes, but I've been told that's normal...I doubt his feelings for me sometimes, even though nothing has changed in his behaviour and he has never done anything to cause me think this way. He's a self-proclaimed man of few words, doesn't talk about his feelings much (however, if we're ever drinking together, he spills his heart out to me...and I'm in a constant battle in my head thinking, "does he truly feel these things and this is what he doesn't know how to say in other situations or is he just drunk and saying these things?") but BECAUSE he doesn't talk about his feelings much, I try not to talk about mine as much either. I do talk about them sometimes, but I feel like he's just going to think I'm insecure or get uncomfortable or think that he makes me unhappy if I express everything I'm thinking about. I don't want him to think I'm some crazy person. I feel like sometimes I need more reassurance than he gives me, but I don't think it's fair to ask that of him...I don't want to ask for more reassurance when he DOES show me that he loves me, why do I need more than that? I don't WANT to want more than that. I just don't understand. My last relationship was my "first love" relationship. No holding back, I was naive and ignorant thinking it would never end. Now, I feel like I'm on the opposite side of the spectrum. I just want to find a balance between the two.

I need to know how to either express these things to him, or get over these thoughts. I've read a lot about "Automatic Negative Thoughts" and I'm certain that's what is going on, but...I don't know how to stop them. I don't want to ruin something that is so great because I'm self-sabotaging it. I've read countless articles on "insecurities in relationships" and all that, it just hasn't helped. I've never been "insecure" before. So I don't know how to deal with it, and I hate that it's caused SOLELY by my own thought processes, nothing else. I work out, I journal, I have my own friends and life outside the relationship, and I still have these problems. I almost feel like I'm depressed? But I just feel like it doesn't make sense how I can go from being so happy with I'm with him - or with family, friends, etc, and then when I'm alone, the negativity and sadness overwhelms me. (not ALL the time when I'm alone, but it happens. Yesterday and today have been really hard. Probably the hardest it's been so far.)

Has anyone dealt with these feelings before? How did you overcome them? Does anyone have any words of wisdom that might help me and my relationship?

Thank you for those who read this, and extra thank you to those who take the time to respond.

[Travelinglady]

Hi, stateofgrace, and welcome to Psych Central! Hmm, that's a hard one. What would you want him to do to make you feel more secure? Tell you he loves you more? Give you things? Spend more time with you? People have different things that make them feel loved--"love languages." This topic might be one to check into. Here's a link: http://www.the-relationship-coach.co...ages-quiz.html. If he's not interested in actually taking the paper-and-pencil approach, then you might tell him what you need and read at least some of the statements to him and see whether he would like that or not.

What do your friends think of him and the two of you together? (Not that that's a crucial issue. It's just that other people might be able to be more objective.)

It could be that you are still somewhat reeling from the breakup of your other relationship and worrying that this relationship will break up, too.

[Lemon Curd]

Sounds like anxiety to me.
I've been through similar stuff in my youth.
I too felt fine around people, but alone, my anxiety & depression got the best of me.
It was confusing for me too.
I had a friend recommend I talk to a professional.
I wish I would've done it sooner.
I feel my life is much more balanced today.
That's just me.
*big friendship hug*

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by stateofgrace

. He's a self-proclaimed man of few words, doesn't talk about his feelings much (however, if we're ever drinking together, he spills his heart out to me...and I'm in a constant battle in my head thinking, "does he truly feel these things and this is what he doesn't know how to say in other situations or is he just drunk and saying these things?") but BECAUSE he doesn't talk about his feelings much, I try not to talk about mine as much either..

In your post, I gravitate towards this paragraph, as being indicative of the internal struggle with your relationship.

Emotional Intimacy. It's a valid need in every relationship.

Unmet needs, lead to not feeling a sense of fulfillment. Not certain how to specifically broach the subject, in your situation. Perhaps start by bringing it up, as you've expressed here?