[19820524]

Hi, I am in a four month relationship now and this guy is quite serious about me, which is great as I feel the same, but now these days we fight a lot about what seems like irrelevant stuff to me. He asked me if I ever had sex with other guys, and I did, not that I think that it is any of his business, as it is part of my past. I did however answer him and now he wants to know more about how many times and how many guys, not that I am ashamed as I have nothing to hide, and was only in two sexual relationships, so I told him, but now he questions all that I say and makes issue out of nothing, saying that it is not the truth etc. What can I do, to reassure him that this is in fact the truth and to keep him from getting answers and finding problems in my past?

[Frankbtl]

Hi 19820524, I'd say that the main focus should be in trying to get to the route of his insecurities (and issues with trust??) and addressing those. Is there anything in his past that's making him behave like this??
Although maybe he's having insecurities, fears, anxieties with being in a serious relationship as well, doesn't need to mean they have to lead to it falling apart but they do need to be dealt with in that case.
Maybe if you two could talk it out you could find a way forward?? Things might not resolve straight away but............
Don't forget on focusing on what's best for you too though, if you can't come to resolve these issues together then you do deserve better than a relationship like this.
Best wishes, and if you want to talk some more.............

Alison

[Little Lulu]

What about telling him what you think is the truth ... that discussion prior relationships and their details is not healthy for either of you or your relationship? And refuse to go there no matter how insistent he is.

[Bill3]

This insistent and intrusive probing and doubting is very worrisome and makes me question whether he is emotionally safe to be in a relationship with.

[waiting4]

^ agree, and with the one above that. Fact is, it's none of his business. Period. It's in the past. If he were concerned about STD's then testing could be an option, but just rehashing past relationships he had nothing to do with and were pre-your relationship is intrusive; commenting on them, criticizing, or doubting you regarding them is insulting.

I too, wonder if there is something in HIS past he's hiding, that he's accusing you, but at this juncture, does it even matter? Tell him it's NOT his business and if he can't handle that, then letting this relationship fold of its own accord might be the way to go.

It is very difficult not to reference ex's....bad or good, but sexually, it isn't the 'present' bf (or gf's) place to question. Discovery between the two of you about likes and dislikes should be just that. Between the two of you. How you gained your education--or lack--is out of the realm of his perview. And as Bill3 says, if he's probing and doubting, he may not be emotionally safe to be with at all.

Take care

[ChipperMonkey]

This isn't your issue, its his. I've talked about past relationships with guys, but only in the context of them wanting to know what I've done and what I'm up for (haha, yes, it turned him on to hear about my sexual past). But no, he wasn't the jealous type, he knew I was only into him, and he didn't feel insecure in the least. Your guy is probing because he feels insecure. He is tearing you down in order to make himself feel better. I'd say let this one go.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by 19820524

but now he questions all that I say and makes issue out of nothing, saying that it is not the truth etc. What can I do, to reassure him that this is in fact the truth and to keep him from getting answers and finding problems in my past?

The guy makes false accusations and you feel the need to reassure him? Just move on and he can reassure himself until the cows come home.

[~Christina]

Your past is not the present. If he is unable to get over it and drop the whole subject ,you may want to rethink this young 4 month relationship.

[offthegrid]

Is he giving you information about his past? I mean…if he can dish it he should take it. He shouldn't be making snide comments about you and nor should he be bringing up details that you don't feel comfortable disclosing. From here out, you can simply let him know that if anything from the past comes up that may be relevant to this relationship comes up, you will share (and do) but otherwise, there are certain things that you need to disclose in your own time. You learn about people over time, you don't interrogate them.