[ForeverLonelyGirl]

After years of suffering with a mental illness that includes several components, I have become acutely aware that I essentially have no relationships left in my life. My 2 sons do talk to me about superficial things and goings on.

It just hurts me very badly when I think of how so many people want nothing to do with me anymore. My daughter in law, my own sister and all the long lost friends I had prior to my melt down 10 years ago.

I guess those 'friends' and also some cousins that are not nearby don't really matter anymore. I was awake early this morning and thinking of all the failed relationships that I have had at places I worked. The daughter in law and my sister hurt the most. They are unapproachable.

I have tried to rebuild relationships but people seem like they have built up a wall that is NOT coming down! I wish I could not care. I seem to spend many hours feeling sad and rejected. I cannot figure out what I do and say wrong to people. Seems like people are more unfriendly than ever out in public also.

Any ideas to find and make some good relationships?

[SmileHere]

Hi FLG!

Sorry to hear about this!

One cousin has also sort of stopped initiating contact since I've been diagnosed, though others and some friends retain contact and think nothing much of the diagnosis, it seems.

It's difficult if relatives have been unapproachable, ex coworkers have probably drifted apart if you don't work there anymore, you can start another 'family' of friends though? Starting here on this forum, and elsewhere online...?

There's a book 'How to win friends and influence people', and online sites too...
There are books and sites on effective communication, assertiveness and the like too...

I try listening to people without judgement, making aha/mhm-ing noises and this way encouraging them to talk, asking occasional questions makes them think one is a good listener, and they like talking to me/texting. - I try not to expect too much either.

If you have an interesting life you can talk about interesting things too, and not just complain (avoid too much complaining, if you wish happy relationships.) Know who you can lament to (eg therapist, this forum,...) and who not. Some people have a lower or bigger treshold for this.

A sense of humor is a good thing too. Avoid sarcasm and criticism, especially hyper-criticism of 'you always...'. Then again it's good to be assertive and not a doormat or a 'granate'/tank/attacker.

If your life will be good and interesting, with other cool people in it, maybe the daughter in law and sister will one day change their ways too? Did you say or do to them something that hurt them, or have they been only prejudiced against your MI?

Lastly, I suggest changing your username (not sure if this is possible on PsychCentral, maybe ask the mods?) if you want to be with more friends and have successful relationships - language can sometimes subconsciously shape our world!

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

:\ I dunno what to say, but... nope, I really dunno. Maybe I empathize, although I dunno how. I know what it's like to feel lonely.

Lastly, I suggest changing your username (not sure if this is possible on PsychCentral, maybe ask the mods?) if you want to be with more friends and have successful relationships - language can sometimes subconsciously shape our world!

Yeah, it's possible to change the name once, but why should she? I'm genuinely curious. What's wrong with her name? It seems appropriate for this site, especially if that's how she feels.

A sense of humor is a good thing too. Avoid sarcasm and criticism

Totally agree, minus the sarcasm thing; I think that's just a matter of taste. Sarcasm can be used in a humorous way, unless you're meaning the rude sort, in which case, fair enough. xD

avoid too much complaining, if you wish happy relationships.

I concur.

making aha/mhm-ing noises

Unless you're like:

Person #1: "I went to..."
Person #2: "Mhm"
Person #1: "...town and..."
Person #2: "Mmm"
Person #1: "...bought some..."
Person #2: "Ah"
Person #1: "...food."

[ForeverLonelyGirl]

Thanks Zwangsstörung,

That's quite a user name! Yeah, I do not plan to change my user name here. I do not dwell on the name I created and I think it is appropriate for this site. No one outside of this site knows it.

I avoid criticism unless absolutely necessary, no more than I talk to daughter in law, there is not much opportunity to criticize. I have always been fairly successful with communications. I was a fairly high paid health care professional and had to deal with lots of people.

I think the problem is that I went through a really bad period of time 5 years ago with severe depression, acting out (not around them exactly) and multiple hospitalizations for all that. Things have just gone downhill from there. All these relationships pretty much went out the door with my mental health.

For sure no one wants to discuss anything about it with me. That conversation goes nowhere fast!

Thanks for your thoughts.

[fraiser]

That's sad. Talking about your illness won't hurt them. I guess they are clueless what to say to you so they say nothing. Not really your fault is it?

[ForeverLonelyGirl]

No frasier. I guess it's no ones fault. People tend to freak out when it comes to mental illness. My only hope for someone to talk to about it is to PAY someone. That really makes me angry sometimes that I have to pay someone to have a so called friend. I am really trying not to dwell on it though.

I seem to have gotten a little lift today from the depression and am getting out to shop for clothes! Yay! I can't buy much but since I do not go out a lot a couple of things might be just the boon I need.

I am thinking of going out to a movie then pick up dinner. I sure need a friend to do things with. I do feel like people are unnecessarily self centered and selfish with their time and effort to make friends and be a friend. I do try, even if I get rejected.

Such is life!

[ChipperMonkey]

I finally got to a point where I realized I don't want to go back. I am leaving old relationships behind. I don't care about anyone from my past unless they are a supportive family member (plenty aren't!). I am a completely different person, and most of those people I left behind know the me that I was 5, 10, 15 or even 20 years ago. I have no desire to rekindle something. There are SO many awesome people out there that I see no need to try and fix the broken relationships of my past. I'd have to do a heck of a lot of apologizing, and I am sick of that! I have a mental disorder, and if someone can't cut me a little slack, then I want nothing to do with them. I have a theory that one day these people will be down on their luck and karma will come and bit them in the ***. They will have the same treatment given to them that they gave to me. But by then, I will be long gone. In the meantime, I'm having a good time trying to meet new people, new awesome people. Yes, it takes time to weed through the bad ones, but even if I only end up with a few good friendships, it'll all be worth it.

[ForeverLonelyGirl]

Good for you chippermonkey!

If I did try to rekindle a lot of my old relationships, there probably would be a lot of hurt that would haunt me forever. Also I don't think I could explain or apologize enough, don't even know how I would explain what I was thinking during my really wacko days. Too much water under the bridge!

The very failed relationship with my sister is just long gone, that ship sailed far away! That one just makes me angry to think about.

Yes, I just need to move forward also and leave those in the past that don't want my company anymore. I could say their loss, if I had the self esteem to believe that!

[~Christina]

I understand your pain and I'm sorry that people have treated you this way, Shame on them .

I agree 100% what Chipper had to say...

One option you might want to consider is a Mental health group, Kinda the same as here, We "get" it , we understand, you don't have to hide the real you... You most likely would meet others in the same boat that would love a friend that "gets" them.

Just a thought

[ForeverLonelyGirl]

That would be very nice to find a group that I could discuss things in. I have had trouble finding anything in the way of therapy in my town that has a population of about 500,000 in the metro area. Some cities are sorely lacking. Bad luck?

I would like to talk to others with mental health issues that have been shunned by friends and family, I know it happens every day!

[~Christina]

Did you check your area on NAMI? I would think an area your size would have something to offer.