Obsessed with motherly authoritative figures in my life – help identify problem??

Hi there,

I’ve been searching for advice on this problem for a very long time, and I’m hoping that you all can help me.

As the title indicates, I become obsessed with people in authority who feel like mother figures to me. Specifically, it’s almost always teachers or professors who are generally younger (30s and 40s, though there have been a few in their 60s). This has been going on since I’ve been about 12 years old (I’m 21 now and I’m also female), but it hasn’t gone away.

Basically, I just really admire these people and want them to like me. I want them to feel affection toward me and I want them to give me all kinds of attention. It gets to the point where I’m always thinking about them, trying to find ways to impress them, thinking of stories to them, hoping they’ll praise me, hoping they'll hug me or something, and just constantly searching for some kind of validation. I sometimes think of random things to say or do so that I have an excuse to see them, but it’s definitely not stalking or anything.


For some background information, my father died when I was 8 years old and my mother has ever since been very depressed,an alcoholic, and (dare I say) a narcissist. I’ve always been a bright, successful student with an equally bubbly and confident personality, and my mom always used that to make herself look good and to ultimately make herself look successful as well. She always told me “all of your accomplishments are feathers in MY cap,” and even to this day she likes to control me and needs to have everything her way. Additionally, she’s not the most feminine of women and really doesn’t give out that soft, elegant, motherly vibe (at least not to me). I basically resent her and want to get away from her because I feel that she's bringing me down in her downward spiral and that I'm better than that.


So, what I’m thinking is that because my mother became a sort of general parental figure after my father’s death and because I have so many issues with her, I’m subconsciously looking for the kind of mother that I've always wanted. I find it in teachers and professors because they’re the people who have touched my life the most, and I connect strongly with them because I’m a good, eager student who’s seemingly normal and personable.

This is all actually somewhat comical because I’m totally NOT the kind of person with which people would associate this problem. I’m definitely weird and have a very childish demeanor, but I’m not the kind of person who privately battles mommy issues at home and who is constantly seeking affection from people she idealizes. If anything, people would say I’m too hard on myself in regards to my grades in school and that I can be a bit uptight, but I keep this obsession thing completely to myself and have only told a couple close friends.

So, does anyone else out there deal with this kind of thing? Does anyone know what this kind of thing is even CALLED? It sometimes gets really bad where I get all sad and mopey that I won’t have a certain professor again or that I won’t see them for a long period of time. I’ve actually had one professor with whom I’ve become very close and who literally did fill a type of motherly role (I went to an academic conference with her and she took care of me and stuff, like when she hugged me and rubbed my back when I got sick from the plane), and I feel like this can get out of hand quickly since I’m becoming increasingly attached to her.

I’d appreciate any advice and insight on this, and thanks so much for taking the time to read it all!

Hi Frazzley, i think you have a good idea of whats going on. this paragraph shows it very clearly. it is not uncommon to look for what you dont get at home somewhere else.

i can relate to this pretty much. but is it a problem for you or you were just wondering? if it is a problem, i suggest you to try talking about this with a therapist.

best wishes!

I always kind of did that, too. It actually worked out well for me as I was starting my career. Having a mentor who can take you under their wing and promote your career helps enormously when you are getting started.

To an extent, I outgrew that behavior. When you are outside the university environment, you will have far fewer opportunities for those kinds of interactions. As you get older, you also get better at seeing people's negative qualities, which can help cut down on the idealization.

I have no idea what you call it. Your take on it seems pretty dead on. Just being aware of it can help a lot. Do you see any signs of this kind of people pleasing in your other relationships?

Thank you so much for the replies, sinking and hvert! I really appreciate it.

I don't really know how much of a problem this is posing to be in my life. I mean, I know it's not exactly healthy to idealize people so much and to get worked up about pleasing them, but this seems to kind of motivate me to do well. But at the same time, it can dominate my thoughts and it kind of makes me lose perspective of what my priorities should be.

I think I do generally try to please everyone, but I won't go to the lengths that I do for these people. Sure I'll feel ashamed if I let someone down or don't do what I said I would, but I won't panic like I would if it happened with one of my mentors.

I have the same kind of thing going on.

I guess because my childhood was abussive, I didn't get to be a child and I didn't get mothered.

There has been different people such as teachers, tutors and closer people who I feel the need to get them to like me and care about me because I didn't have that.

I think it's just kind of your inner self looking for an emotional attachment to fill the void of what you missed out on as a child/teen

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

This is SPOT ON with my experiences! It’s so nice to see other people experience this.

Are you still in college or uni? If so and they offer free counseling, perhaps that's something to consider?