[Shadix]

Sorry, this is going to be long, but it's something that's really causing me a lot of stress and anxiety.

For the past year or so, I have started noticing this pattern of behavior in my mom, which has me very concerned to the point of where I can't stop obsessing about it. It is also causing me some anger.

Some important background info. I am the oldest of 3 boys. I am 26 now. My youngest brother, whom I will designate as F, is 18, and my other brother, whom I will designate as T, is 24. I have always been kind of socially awkward and never really got involved much with girls. T is more outgoing and popular and he seemed to get attention from girls in the past, like when he was in high school. However, in more recent years, I don't see him being as popular and appealing to girls as he used to be, mainly because his hair started to thin and this changed his physical appearance. He's still more popular and outgoing than me, but isn't the "chick magnet" that he seemed to be before. F, on the other hand, has the appearance that I think many girls are attracted to and he does indeed seem to get lots of attention from girls. He is now in his first year in college.

Anyways, what I have noticed for a while now is that my mom seems to really not like it whenever my brother is getting involved with girls. The reasons she gives as to why are obviously BS. When he is alone with a girl, she claims she is concerned that something sexual will happen. Fair enough. But then, even when he is just hanging out with multiple female friends, I can tell by the way she sounds that it still bothers her, even though she denies it. And it actually seems like her behavior towards him in general turns negative, like she starts looking for things to complain about like bad grades or subtle complaints about him not picking up after himself; she just generally seems to have resentment towards him. Meanwhile, it never bothers her when me or F are hanging out with girls. In fact, she actually seems happy for us when we do. HOWEVER, I should also point out that when F was in his "chick magnet" phase, she seemed to have the exact same issue with him. When I have inquired about this double standard in the past, she claimed that it's about age/maturity. She claimed that T was still in high school, so he was still in a phase where he wasn't emotionally mature enough to get involved with that stuff, and she said that like with F, it would no longer bother her when he is in college. Well, now he is in his first year in college, and while she isn't openly saying that it's bothering her, she is showing subtle signs of resentment towards him ever since he moved into the dorms. But of course, it seems like she hides her feelings specifically to avoid having me question her about her motives.

Basically it seems to me like her double standard revolves around whether or not she perceives our attractiveness level. Basically she stopped caring about whether T gets involved with girls because she stopped perceiving him as being particularly attractive to girls. But F is still the "chick magnet" so she is still very much bothered by it in his case. And of course she's always seen me as a loser so it's never bothered her no matter who I get along with. I can't say for sure WHY this is the case, but I kind of suspect a jealousy complex she has towards women who are more sexually liberated since she grew up in a repressive society. She seems very antagonistic towards the girls my brother gets involved with, often referring to them "trashy" or "slutty". However when me or my other brother hang out with girls who are just as "liberated" she doesn't seem to have a problem with them. My theory is that she only resents these girls when they are getting the attention of a "high quality" guy, and she doesn't mind when it's only a "loser" like me.

Anyways, this is causing me so much anger for so many reasons. I can't seem to stop obsessing over it. I am constantly watching my mom's behavior waiting for a chance to open the subject. But it is very difficult, first because she will probably react with anger and start being abusive when confronted about it and second because if it is as I described, she will NEVER admit it and she will keep giving ******** excuses. I really don't know what to do.

[kaliope]

from what you said, and being a mother, I would interpret it more from your mothers position. it has more to do with age. a girl is after her babies. that is hard for a mother to take. you said you were never involved much with girls so that is why she didn't respond that way to you. but she was consistent that way with your brothers. it will probably last longer with your youngest brother because he is the baby of the family. I always saw all my sons girlfriends as trying to take my son away from me. I didn't respond as your mother did. but it is a natural response. my son has been married for like six years and still when I encounter his wife, I feel a bit of resentment, like he is mine. and she is a great girl. so your mom is taking it a bit far by being a ***** and calling them trashing names, but her feelings are normal. she just doesn't know how to deal with them.

[hvert]

I would just take myself right out of this. This is an issue between your mother and brother. When you catch yourself getting upset about this, just remind yourself that it is not your business. Your brothers are old enough to stick up for themselves, and so are the girls they are dating.

Kaliope is right that this is fairly common, just speaking as someone who has dated guys with mothers like this

If your mother is treating *you* like you are not worthy of female attention i.e. saying something rude to you along those lines, it's totally your business. I would just leave the way she acts about your brothers and their girlfriends alone.