[ladymbee]

I have a situation that has totally taken me by surprise and it's really unsettling.
I have been in a relationship for 10 years. Earlier this year I discovered my SO and best friend having a text/facebook flirtation. I confronted them both separately and after many tears and much shouting from all of us, my friend stopped talking to us and my SO and I tried to rebuild our relationship (or so I thought). Then only ten days later he reconnected with a woman he had been acquainted with in his teens (twenty years ago) and carried on another email/text relationship (this one was more involved) for close to three months before I discovered it and confronted him.
We are now in marriage therapy and have been for three months.
I have discovered over the course of time that I actually don't have any sense of self-preservation in my relationship. I am more interested in doing things for my SO to keep him happy than I am to keep myself happy. I feel totally neutral about what I want in my relationship, I feel like I don't actually need anything for myself.
Is this normal? Is this what unselfishness feels like?? I'm very wary of these feelings and not sure how to proceed.
Thanks in advance.

[hvert]

That sounds sort of unhealthy, that you are more interested in his well being than your own, even after these betrayals. Are you in any therapy on your own, in addition to the marriage counseling?

[ChipperMonkey]

I don't think it sounds very healthy, either. Having no sense of self-preservation will lead you astray. In the end, nobody is going to look after you like you will (not being negative, its the truth). You always have to be looking out for yourself, even when you have the interests of others at heart.

[ladymbee]

Thanks hvert and ChipperMonkey. I appreciate your replies.
I have had counselling on my own, but have opted for couples therapy for now. This needs a group solve I think.
ChipperMonkey, are you thinking that I am going to be vulnerable to attention from other men? I haven't even got the energy to consider that as a possibility!

[hvert]

Yeah, I could see that couples therapy would help with this situation, but solo therapy for you or solo visits with the couples therapist might also be a good addition.

I am worried about the comment that you feel apathetic and neutral. I might be reading into it from my own experience, but for me personally that's often a sign of depression. I also have a constant struggle to act based on my own self interest rather than for the benefit of other people.

Whatever you do, it is great that you recognize that these feelings may be something you should think about and question.