[Leo1977]

BACKGROUND
I have been dating my girlfriend for a year now.
She left her house 5 months ago.
She has a 4 year old son
She lived with her ex-partner 10 years
The boy knows me since the beginning of the relationship
My relationship with the kid is very nice and we are close friends
We have not told the kid that we are in a romantic relationship
The father's kid hates me and when the kid speaks of me he gets very angry so the kid started telling the truth to avoid conflict between his father and me.
We are worried that the situation has led the kid to use lies in order to avoid conflict.
We have had difficult moments with my girlfriend and once she went back to her old house.
We do not live together.
She lives with her family.
The kid spends the weekends with his father
Last week we went on a trip with her family and the child, my girlfriend and I, slept in the same bed.

QUESTION
How should we behave in front of the child?
When would be the right moment to tell the kid that we are in a romantic relationship?
How to teach the kid that he does not have to lie to solve the problems?

[Altered Moment]

Boy that is a tough one. Especially with the father being the way he is.

I was in a 2 1/2 year relationship in which my young daughter was very involved. When it ended it was really hard on her. She didn't understand. Part of the reason she ended it with me was because of my daughter and that really hurt me. Personally after that i decided to keep my daughter out of it. I may have been gun shy though.

[curley]

I don't really see that it is that important to let the kid know you are in a romantic relationship with his mom. You don't live together and so he really should not be seeing more then a close friendship between you and his mom.
I think the lying situation needs to be handled between mom and the ex. She needs to let him know that she does not appreciate his attitude when the kid mentions you. She needs to let him know that the kid feels he can not be honest that is not good. The ex should not be laying those kind of feelings on the kid anyway cause probably does not understand anything except his dad getting mad at him.
good luck

[gardensparrow1]

That's certainly a tough situation to be in, and, unfortunately, not that uncommon. It can certainly take kids time to adjust to the thought of their mom or dad dating someone new. So, I'd definitely take it slow as you ease into his life and give him time to get used to this. Also, I've read that it can be a good idea for the parent-your girlfriend-to really sit down and talk to her son and make sure he knows her love and commitment to him. Tell him that she realizes no one could ever replace his dad. Sometimes kids are just struggling with insecurity in situations like this. Lastly, I think there's a lot of good tips on things like this in Ron Deal's book, The Smart Stepfamily. I also believe he has a website with a lot of articles that might be helpful. So, just FYI...

[happiedasiy]

Dear Leo1977,

First welcome to PC!
As the world is today I find many children suffer as a consequence to unfortunately primal parenting. This child is not owned by one or the other.
They are both in it for the next 20 years...

Here is the truth from the boys perspective, he wants his parents to get along and to be together again in a loving relationship. (That's not going to happen) So the child is torn.
At age 4 he lacks the verbal skills to communicate how he feels.

The father's kid hates me and when the kid speaks of me he gets very angry so the kid started telling the truth to avoid conflict between his father and me.
We are worried that the situation has led the kid to use lies in order to avoid conflict.
????

If you are good to his mom and him I'm sure the child doesn't HATE YOU.
He is repeating what the bio-dad is expressing to please his dad, so don't take it personally. And I'm 70% sure there have been negative talk on the weekend about mom, which the child is holding inside. Therefore you have a rational right to be concerned.

I think you need to make sure how much you are committed to the relationship.
For now when the child is around you can relate boyfriend/girlfriend status but keep the romance for the weekends.
Simple explanations are best, telling the truth is the right thing to do and people get hurt when you lie to them.
Allow him to feel whatever he does and your validation of his emotions can go hand in hand of times when you felt sad, unheard, didn't get what you wanted, or angry.
Just use age appropriate language and be kind.