[emsterfeef]

First off, I’d like to truly apologize for the long post. I’ve been harboring this for a long time and need to get it out. I was married one month after my twentieth. Yes I know, it's young, but we have a wonderful relationship. I am now twenty one and we've been married for a year and a half.

During this short time, we have been through a lot. Before our marriage, we both lost a much loved grandparent within a months’ time. After our marriage, we settled into life in a very small home, but very happy! About six months after our marriage, we went through something very traumatic. My father pastored a church and a week after Christmas, he was arrested for responding to a Craigslist ad for a massage, which apparently turned out to be a police sting for prostitution. His mug shot was released in the small town paper and of course the entire town went wild!

Obviously, he lost the church, which was also our church. As you can imagine, learning this about my father was a large blow, like a knife through my heart, but I stood by him tooth and nail. I defended him from the gossipers that would have the nerve to say things directly to my face. All this time, I stuffed all feelings of hurt about the situation down and it turned into hatred for the new pastor of our church and the other men that had once been my dad’s friends. We tried to find a different church, but there are absolutely no churches within an hours’ drive that are as remotely good as our church. We made the decision to stay.

This is where the whole controlling thing comes in. First of all, my parents were pulling my husband and I to leave the church and telling me things such as they didn’t know how I could handle going to that church knowing all the work my dad put into it and the people had turned their backs on him.
While they were pulling on me, my mother in law was pulling on my husband to stay. She also had the nerve to say that she knew exactly what I was going through because her father had committed adultery against her mother.

Mine and my husband’s relationship began to be pulled apart by lack of communication and different opinions thanks to the pulling of both sides. About a month after, my father got a job and an offer to buy into a business. He then began pulling my husband to come work with him because he believes that my husband’s current job has no value or future (he is a concrete worker and makes excellent money for his young age).
Eventually, they persuaded us to move from our small home behind my in laws house to their house to work until we found a house there (We lived an hour away from my parents). Well, a week into this arrangement, my husband was absolutely miserable. He hated the job and he wasn’t talking to me at all, but was talking about his problems to his mother. Finally, that Friday, everything came to a head and I broke down completely, sobbing to him about our miserable situation and relationship problems. That was a turning point. We decided to honestly give the job a chance while I went to school for Dental Hygiene. I had always been taught that a girl should only go to school for maybe four years if she wanted to be married and have kids. I came to a realization that this was bogus. I applied in secret (except for my husband) for a university in hopes of becoming a pharmacist, a longtime dream that had been stamped out by my parent’s stigmas. Well, I was accepted. The catch was, we had to move back. My husband had worked for five weeks and still didn’t like the job.

We both were terrified of talking to my parents, as we knew what it would be like. When we finally mustered up the courage after a whole week, they did not disappoint.

They got mad, banged on the garbage can, and told us we were making the biggest mistake of our lives because there was room to grow in his company, but he would be stuck in that job and in a small house for the rest of our lives. He told us that we were complacent in being poor and that he hated it for me. As far as my school, he told me I had no ‘stick em’ or motivation to do it. Apparently, it’s a crime for a young girl to change majors a few times, although they were all in the same area (health care). He told me that if I did it, I don’t need to have kids because I won’t be there to raise them and that it’s not right for a woman to focus on career when she has a family. He also pointed out that we wouldn't ever be able to afford it.
When we went to leave, my mother reiterated that we were making a huge mistake and then began to sob and bawl like I had just told her I hated her. My father called me over from the car and said I need to do something. I shrugged my shoulders because I had no clue what to do! He got mad at that and shooed me away. He said my husband has no goals and is lazy. He also said that he won’t be helping us out anymore unless we’re starving.

How do I handle this mess?? I want a wonderful relationship with my parents, but I want to go for mine and my husband’s dreams, not someone else’s dreams for us.

Oh my...

I am sorry that you're going through this.

I can only give you some words of advice from looking back at that time in my life...

You're still at the stage of trying to separate from authority figures in your life.
Your parents, and his, are still learning how to let go of their children. And in doing this, they're acting like children themselves.

To add to this big emotional mess, you're learning how to be married.....

I personally am giving you full throttle permission to NOT TRY TO PLEASE ANYONE EXCEPT YOURSELVES.

It's difficult and it's unpleasant, but if you want to be happily married, you have to make your own choices and be happy with them. You have to care a little less what your parents think and when they speak, just smile and nod and then turn around an do your own thing.

I guarantee that they had to do this too.

They will give you a hard time. They will make you feel wrong and bad and guilty. They may try to get one of you on "their side" in order to persuade the other. Don't fall for this.

Eventually, things will settle down.

And yes...you're young and can change your minds about any part of your lives, as many times as you like. And not have to explain yourself to anyone.

[Werewoman]

[hvert]

I have a feeling that once you get some distance from your parents, in a few years, you are going to realize that your relationship with them was not actually 'good,' but more like 'smothering.' At least, that's what happened to me

I hope you two can separate yourselves from both sets of parents and get a good start! Good luck - you are on the right track.

[starbuke]

I agree with all of this. A book that I found helpful that my therapist recommended is "toxic parents". Check it out, and congrats on getting into pharmacy school! You'll do great!

[emsterfeef]

Thank all of you! Y'all have definitely made me feel better about our decision! And you're right, getting out from my parents has been difficult because they've always been very controlling in my decision making! Here's to hoping they can see the light that we are adults now, albeit young ones

Originally Posted by emsterfeef

Thank all of you! Y'all have definitely made me feel better about our decision! And you're right, getting out from my parents has been difficult because they've always been very controlling in my decision making! Here's to hoping they can see the light that we are adults now, albeit young ones

I like your mood!!

Now when you feel yourself weakening (and it will happen), just get on back here and we'll give you a boost.

Hugs.