[starbuke]

Oops, I did it again. I've written about my toxic mother before, and recently we went a month without talking bc I was so mad at the things she did and said to me.

After the no talking period, we went back to talking, however, I barely called her and when we would speak on the phone, I would mostly be silent and let her talk and talk. Anyway, I noticed that during each conversation, she would never let the convo go w/out saying something criticizing me. One time it was implying I was selfish, in another she said I was incapable of dogsitting for their dog, and then she also discussed how she knows the next guy I date (I recently broke up with my bf) will be my great teacher, and get all the 'quirks' out of me. Again, the implication was that I was not "perfect" and needed to be "fixed". Recently I was supposed to come home and visit, and she wrote me an email basically saying that if I said anything critical or negative, she would tell me to leave the house. Needless to say, I did not bother visiting.

She said some other things that bothered me. Unfortunately all this stuff festers inside me and I felt the need to say something, so i wrote her a long email about it. I didn't attack her, I explained how I felt about something and said I understand that she is an immigrant and has a different perspective and experience. well, naturally she wrote me back a nasty email, took offensive that I dared to say she doesn't know anything (bc I called her an immigrant), said I was troubled and turbulent and that I needed peace.

I'm not sure exactly what to do here. I know I shouldn't have emailed her but sometimes I get so upset that she says such mean things to me, and i'm supposed to just sit there and take it. If I react, I'm called critical and negative, among other things. I've already limited contact with her, and it's likely since I just had a breakup I'm more sensitive. She said some awful things about my bf (however, that is not the reason we broke up) and I have a hard time getting over all the stuff she said.

I guess i want to know how not to let this stuff bother me, esp when it's my mother. Unfortunately, if i had a friend who did this to me, i would just cut them out. Any ideas???? Help!

[starbuke]

anyone? any advice?

[TRNRMOM]

my mom and i always had a toxic relationship even living in different states. i was never good enough and lived w/criticism and never heard i love you or i'm proud of you. at one time even flew to her state and met w/her and a therapist in order to resolve some conflicts. mom had no boundaries either. thru help of therapist, i set some boundaries, and continued w/my own therapy. mom did not and violated the agreement made by us and therapist.

mom's toxic letters were so upsetting that when i'd go to mailbox i'd get anxious knowing she was about to spew her negativity at me so i learned to just bring pen to mailbox and mark it `return to sender' without ever opening her mail. sometimes letting these people go is the only way to get some relief and i had been seeing a therapist to get some clarity and validation and support as to disconnecting from mom. it's not easy but both parties must want to make changes for anything to be resolved. i've been where you are…and it's painful…but take care of yourself.

[marmaduke]

Sometimes its best just to go no contact with a toxic person. Maybe she is a narcissist like my mother was.
Try this link, might help
What Could Their Problem Be? - LIGHT'S HOUSE

[starbuke]

She is definitely a narcissist. I've been trying not reacting but her snide comments just upset me. Unfortunately I'm somewhat more sensitive recently due to my breakup. Yeah, I am starting to wonder if I should go no contact and unfortunately this makes me sad. It seems like she is trying to blame all her issues on me and that is not ok, but classic narcissist. Thanks for the link.

[geis]

Just because she's your mother doesn't mean you are obligated to maintain a relationship with her. It's really hard to cut parents out of our life--I think almost everyone wants to have a good, supportive, loving relationship with their parents, and it can be incredibly painful to finally recognize that you're never going to be able to have that, through no fault of your own.

What's helped me is framing it as me acting like a good parent toward myself. I try to look at it as though I'm my parent. If I had a child, I would not allow anyone to treat them the way my mother treated me for most of my life. I would take them away from that environment and teach them that they're worthy of respect, kindness, and love. By taking myself away from the cruelty, I am, in effect, taking care of myself the way my mother should've.

I don't know if that resonates with you or not--it's okay if it doesn't. But you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. You are worth that.

[starbuke]

Geis- that is a great way of thinking about it. thanks.

[Rose76]

You mention having "limited contact." I think that's going to have to be your game plan right there. What she's doing is awful and, like you said, it's behavior that you would not tolerate in anyone other than her. I don't think there is anyway that it's not going to bother you. We all crave parental approval for as long as we and they are alive. She's foolish because she will eventually need you more than you will need her.

You have every right to terminate any conversation or visit where you are being the target for "pot shots." It might be best to try and do that in a business-like fashion without any emotional display on your part. (Very hard to pull off, I know.) At some level, she kind of gets a kick out of reducing you to an upset mess of emotion. Don't give her the satisfaction. If you visit her, just say, "Well, I'll be running along now, Mom. I've got so much to get done today and tomorrow." Same line can serve the same purpose on the phone. And avoid emailing her to express anything because, as you are finding out, you get absolutely nowhere with that. Just disengage when the pot shots start. That's so easy for me to recommend and hard for you to pull off.

I had a father kind of like that, though not as bad. I tended to become very upset, which never did me any good. It's kind of like dealing with a child who uses obnoxious behavior to get attention or show defiance. The last thing they want is to be ignored. So that's the best thing to do, along with removing yourself from their presence. You have some hope of training your mother to realize that, you won't be there, if she starts her nonsense. But she will always test you and push that envelope just as far as she can. I feel for you.

[starbuke]

Thanks Rose. Yes we went from talking nearly every day to her calling me once a week (maybe). That part hurts because I feel pretty alone (even though I have fantastic, supportive friends, but slightly different). however, I reason that it's better to be alone than to endure abusive comments. It's like she's decided to blame me for all her problems in life recently, which is classic NPD.

You're right- I do need to terminate any conversation when she throws a dig at me. My tactic now is to ignore her, but I think immediately ending the conversation is better. I'm concerned about thanksgiving/holidays coming up but I can just leave after a day if she starts in on me. It makes me sad my mother has let me down like this, but I guess it's worse not recognizing it and healing myself.

[geis]

You know, I used to think it was really terrible and depressing to spend holidays alone, but I've gotten to a point where I really enjoy it. My narcissistic mother always had to have everything controlled and perfect, and much of the rest of my family are jerks in their own ways. Holidays were always so stressful.

Now, I can do whatever I want. I ate cheesecake, stuffing, and ice cream for Christmas dinner last year. I wore my pajamas all day and didn't even bother to brush my hair. I watched Netflix and knitted. It was great.

Other holidays, I've spent with family of choice. In 2011, four online friends with crappy came to visit me, and we had our own "family" Christmas. This year, I'm spending Thanksgiving with a dear friend, her partner, and their son.

I have SO much less holiday stress now that I've stopped buying into the cultural idea that it's bad not to spend holidays with your family and reframed it as a way of freeing myself from that stress.

[starbuke]

Geis- thank you for this perspective. I've been kind of sad about the prospect that I may very well have to think about cutting my mother out and spending holidays alone. All my friends either have spouses or their own families to be with. This posting has really helped me, thank you.

[TRNRMOM]

everything written above is so true, and what is said and suggested is all true. you will be punished by her once you disengage from her (merely protecting yourself) and her anger/rage may escalate. these relationships are very difficult yet more common than you think, as you are seeing just by the no. of replies you are getting; it won't be easy to disconnect or minimize your contact; it was easier for me as we lived in different states but there's still pain when you change the relationship and become empowered and not let her make you feel like the bad kid; holidays are tough for a lot of people; find other people who make you feel loved, worthy and supportive to replace the toxic family members.

[starbuke]

TRNRMOM- thanks for the empathy. Yes, I mentioned to a friend about my mother problems and she said I was welcome to spend thanksgiving with her and her husband's family at their place. I think getting through the holidays will be tough, since I'm sort of expected to go home. After the new year I won't have to worry- just gotta get through the next two months. Thanks all!

[TRNRMOM]

Originally Posted by starbuke

TRNRMOM- thanks for the empathy. Yes, I mentioned to a friend about my mother problems and she said I was welcome to spend thanksgiving with her and her husband's family at their place. I think getting through the holidays will be tough, since I'm sort of expected to go home. After the new year I won't have to worry- just gotta get through the next two months. Thanks all!

not much more i can add, but if parents have the `expectation' of your coming there for the holidays, i imagine you will soon be having the `dread' of going there and that will begin shortly. maybe you should take your friends' invitation and begin the disconnect using t'giving as the beginning…it won't be easy as you will probably tell parents you don't want to spend a holiday fighting or being criticized and that you choose to surround yourself w/serenity and happiness, feelings you don't get from them. yes, i'm being blunt but again, i've been where you are…i was in therapy and had therapist supporting me as disconnecting/stepping back is hard and once you change your position in the family and not allow criticism, you become the bad child and parents rarely accept accountability/responsibility but would rather blame….find some strong supportive people in your life or if you can afford therapy, this is as good an issue to bring to therapy as any. good luck.

[starbuke]

thanks- yep, I talked it out with my therapist and we discussed a game plan for the future. Minimize contact when I do see them and brace myself for some stress. You're very right, my mother would rather blame me instead of looking inward. It's my fault, I'm argumentative, etc. It will just be something to work on moving forward, that I MUST realize that it's her and not me. I think I can get there but it will take some time.