[hvert]

I got myself involved in a mess. I don't even know a quick way to explain this.

There used to be a store around the corner. I went in there regularly and was friendly with the cashier. Not friends, just chit chat, but for five or six years. Six months ago the store closed.

I knew that she was in a bad situation. Her mother passed away, her husband left her, and she lost her job, all in the same two month stretch. She has four kids. Without her mother or husband around, she has no childcare.

We added each other on Facebook and had coffee once. I hadn't heard much from her lately and didn't think much of it, but she commented on a Facebook post and I suggested we get together again. We wound up miscommunicating in a really weird way - she showed up to the coffee spot without verifying a time or place with me and then messaged me to say that she was sorry to have missed me.

We chatted a bit on the phone after that and she started pouring out this story about a nervous breakdown she suffered several months earlier. It seemed a little odd that she was telling me some of the stuff she was telling me, but I figured she needed to unburden herself.

Yesterday I got a call from her. She had an emergency situation and wanted me to pick up her youngest kid from the bus stop and watch her for an hour until her oldest kid came home. I do not know her children and felt very uncomfortable with this situation, but I also felt like she must be extremely desperate to ask a practical stranger to do this.

I agreed. However, when I got there, thing started to go off script. First off, the mother was home, even though she had said she had an appointment. She started talking about how since we both 'did nothing' all day, we should do things together. She starts talking about me watching her kids next week. She wants to go hiking and volunteering with me. She says she will call me tomorrow to find out my schedule.

Alarm bells are going off for me. Then the scope of today's task changes. Instead of watching one kid for an hour, she wants me to pick up TWO kids from the bus stop, the buses are supposed to be at an hour and half apart. Both buses are a half hour later than she said they would be. On top of that, her autistic son is dropped off when he is supposed to be at school all day. I mentioned that these kids have never met me, right?????

She is now asking me for my address and I don't want to give it to her because I am worried she is going to drop the kids off - I have no idea why she wants it.

How do I extricate myself from this? I feel bad for this woman, but I have no interest in providing free child care. I don't even have kids! I feel horrible about it because she really seems like she is on the edge mentally and financially, but things just seem to have a way of snowballing with her. I can't agree to watch a kid for an hour and then have her decide she meant three hours.

[kaliope]

well the only way out is to be honest......hey, I agreed to pick up your kid because I thought there was a crisis and it was a one time thing, but I have other things on my plate, I am not available to do this on a regular basis. she does not need to know that you don't want to do it or that you may or may not be available. she obviously assumes from your conversations that you have the time and generous spirit that she could just take advantage of you. you need to be assertive and set boundaries. you are not responsible for her financial and mental state. she does not have very good boundaries. that doesn't mean you have to take responsibility for them. take care.

[angelene]

I agree with kaliope, just be direct. She may be troubled, but whether she means to or not, she's trying to hijack your life. This is unacceptable. Let her know politely but in no uncertain terms that you cannot be her assistant/babysitter.

[nicoleflynn]

She needs to get help from some social service. This all sounds like red flags.

[hvert]

Thank you - I don't understand why this kind of stuff keeps happening to me. I feel horrible, like if she is asking someone she barely knows to watch her kids, she must really be at the edge - but I can't take her off it.

[hvert]

She's hooked up with social services -- I agree, so many red flags. Who asks a stranger to watch their kids?

[StressedMess]

Originally Posted by hvert

Thank you - I don't understand why this kind of stuff keeps happening to me. I feel horrible, like if she is asking someone she barely knows to watch her kids, she must really be at the edge - but I can't take her off it.

Me too!! It's because I'm soft-hearted and a codependent caretaker. I'm scared to say no, and get into many situations that are next to impossible to extricate myself from.

My therapist told me "you can still be nice, even when saying no. Saying no isn't mean in and of itself."

Don't give excuses, that opens room for arguments. Just say "I won't be able to accommodate that request" or just plain "no." There's not much they can answer back without them being the mean ones.

Oh and she may be pretty desperate to leave her kids with a stranger, but it isn't your place to fix her situation, that's on her.

Good luck!

[~Christina]

I'm thinking social services isn't aware of her parenting skills. Personally I would have to make a call to whom ever handles reports of possible child endangerment in your area.

You had not even met the children ! Maybe she hasn't thought about teaching her children to not go anywhere with strangers.

I'm sorry your dealing with this.

[guilloche]

Wow. You all are too nice... Hvert, this is probably going to sound awful, but I'd bail. She doesn't sound like a close friend, and she doesn't sound like someone that is a good potential friend. I'd stop taking her calls, and just disappear.... assuming that's possible (you don't run into her in other social situations?)

I don't do Facebook, so I'm not sure of how it works. Can you disconnect yourself from her?

And, yikes. That sounds awful...

[hvert]

I feel better about saying no to her requests today- but I feel awful for her kids. They didn't even have Halloween costumes yet. I've wondered if I should talk to someone at social services, but I'm worried any intervention would actually make things worse. She told me that she sees a counselor who comes to her home three times a week, in addition to DHS visits, so they really should be aware of her situation.

I ordered a few books about saying no a while ago. I wish they'd hurry up and come already!