[thisyearslove]

My closest friend and I have been friends (I'll call her Lottie) for 4 years and a bit. She is not my best friend but my closest.
We are in a group of six friends including us. The rest of the group fell out with me about a year or so ago, and basically said they didn't want me to be friends with this girl and her group of friends (I'll call her Freya). I decided to leave because honestly they made it that way, and I shouldn't have to stop being friends with other people. I wasn't good friends with Freya at first, and not really at all with her group of friends, so I had to stay in the bathroom and stuff at lunch and break. Dire, I know. Eventually I became very close with Freya and we were inseparable for about a year. But our friendship was emotionally abusive on her end, basically putting me down all the time. I ended it. More time in the toilet (but less than before). I became friends with the group again, along with Lottie. And here I am now. I cant help becoming frustrated with Lottie, I really cant help it. Honestly, I really do try, but whenever I see her its like my brain goes into a foul mood. I have many mental illnesses and its hard to deal with. I try not to be mean, because I think she might be depressed as well, but I can't for the life of me feel empathy for her. I just don't care. I don't mean to be rude, i try to do that as well. I try to care but I cant. I invited her over recently just because I hate going to her house and I feel like she will realize I don't like being around her. We watched films but a lot of the time she went on her iPad which REALLY annoys me. We all (the group) went to one of the group members houses (this all sounds silly, I'm aware) for tea and to watch a film, and almost as soon as we get there, she gets her iPad out. We all talked at dinner and tried to include her in the conversation but she just sits there not even trying. I appreciate it might be hard for her but she could at least try. Even though I don't mean to, I find myself wishing she wasn't part of the group. I know, I'm horrible. What I don't understand is why I detest her so much. I am a really empathetic person but just not with her. All I can think of is sometimes she doesn't bathe for weeks at a time, and I cant stand the smell. I know its a symptom of depression. I do it sometimes (not for weeks though). I just hate the idea of being stuck being so unhappy with our friendship because in this group I am paired with her automatically, seen as her best friend because everyone already had best friends when I became friends with them all again, and they all plan to be friends for years. Nobody in the group is a good friend to me, but there is no one left to be friends with in school. That's a different issue for a different breakdown. But can anyone tell me why I dislike Lottie so much?

[hvert]

I wonder if you are taking your frustrations with the group dynamic and channeling them all into disliking Lottie? If Lottie weren't a member of the group, would you still be invited to the outings, or do you think they would exclude you as the odd man out?

[thisyearslove]

I think I would still be invited to the group outings. Honestly I don't know. I have always had problems with friendships. Maybe I just don't pick the right ones. I feel like I would know if I was channelling it into Lottie, but maybe not. Its just when I think of her not being in the group I feel relief.

[miaktt]

I feel bad cause i'm depressed and people seem to hate me too for no reason but i know it's because i can't engage that well, it's physically impossible, that was just so you understand a little about her, she might even be paralyzed to do although she might feel horrible and is trying real bad to be a part.
Now you could get some distance from her but not stop talking, just give yourself space cause this much proximity is too much for you and i think it won't hurt her if you do it gradually. I guess you're just closer than you can bare.