[LyingEyes]

So this is an account i made a long time ago with someone else, for someone else...needed some help tonight and remembered this place because I could use some advice.

I've struggled with depression for a very long time and have basically given up fighting it. Some days are a little better than others but there's always that dark cloud lingering. I have also been battling anorexia, but that's a story for another day. I don't know what's happening to me, I'm watching myself unravel. It sounds dramatic but it's the only way i can describe it.

My mom is angry and fed up of me smoking a bunch of pot, doing drugs, and partying on weekends. I love her with all my heart and I wish she knew that, and I know she want's the best for me, but I can't seem to comply with what she wants me to do. I feel stupid and useless for not being able to do the simple things she asks; get decent/good grades, stop using drugs, and spend less time with friends. We used to get along so well when I was little, I was attached to her hip. I wish I could feel that emotional closeness with her again but something keeps me from being able to do it. It seems like our relationship has already deteriorated to the point it's nearly unfixable now, and I don't feel like I have anything left to lose.
I hate school, I just switched high schools to see if this new one was any better. It's a little bit better because I can get in and get out better, and because there's more people. But as far as academics go, im not doing so hot. I dont want to drop out because of how bad that looks to future employers, but at the same time I don't do much of the classwork. I want a career in the arts, and it feels so out of reach and stupid that I don't even know why I'm trying to lie to myself anymore. I want to have a job I'm happy doing and it's impossible. I don't want to go to college either because I don't see a point in getting a degree in the arts since everyone I know that has one doesn't use it and are still barely scraping by doing jobs that they could have done with less than/equal to a highschool education.

I cant stand myself and I just want to escape all of this and get high or party. It's the only thing that makes me feel alive and okay. That and my best friend, who my mom told me she didn't ever want coming over to her house again. I can't deal with that. He's getting his own appartment in a few days and has offered to let me live with him. I told my mom and she threatened to call the police, but at the same time she seemed like she wanted me out anyways. I don't want to hurt her anymore than I already have but I feel trapped and I think that she'll eventually be happier if I put some distance between us.

I'm sorry if I sound like a spoiled brat or like I'm whining, I just need to get this off my chest. I've had a really bad day and I'm by myself and I just want someone to tell me what I should do. I dont know how I'll get to and from high school if I move out, i have my license but I can't use any of my mothers cars. I have a job and would contribute to the rent but I don't know what to do about the transportation problem. There might be a bus, but i'm not sure.

Sorry about this. Thanks to anyone who read this or tries to help.

[hvert]

Could you look into some sort of rehab program to quit the drug habit? That's not going to serve you well in life, no matter where you live...

[Confusedinomicon]

Have you looked into alternative schools where the hours are shorter and you can work at your own pace?

[Bill3]

I wish I could feel that emotional closeness with her again but something keeps me from being able to do it. It seems like our relationship has already deteriorated to the point it's nearly unfixable now, and I don't feel like I have anything left to lose.

What would you think of family counseling, if you haven't already tried it?