[Yismymindblank12]

I want to disown everyone I live around here. The people who "care" about me. It's like the friends, I hang out with are the kind of people you gotta go hang out with them with a certain intent or you end up ****ing yourself over. Like if you want to meet new people, they got you, you want food bring money, you want girls, no you can't that's for them not you, you want drugs bring money.

It's the people I'm surrounded around, in an intellectually confused, conservative city and area, where you have your friends and if you don't have any. You're life will suck, because everyone likes screwing everyone over here like it's going to be the end of the world.

Seriously, why should I trust someone, who talks bad about people who are homosexual. Why should I trust someone, who puts their religion as an excuse to do harm. Why would I trust anyone, who hates women or racially puts themselves in harmful situations that can easily be avoided just by being rational about themselves.

I have the most diverse group of friends you can get, from feminists who I don't talk to anymore they are too busy to be around me. I love being around them.

My black friends, from everywhere. They love having me around, but the rules apply you better support yourself and know where you stand of the **** you have or else people will mooch or try to take advantage of you.

I'm surrounded by females who always want drugs, always. It's like I go to a church there is like 5 girls my age or high school age asking me about drugs. I ignore the underage girls and let them be someone else's problem, I don't deal drugs, I don't buy them. I used to buy, but never sold. Not anymore, I think it's normal, but it's like depressing, when I want to be around someone who does respect their self and isn't so stuck in their ego they always have.

It's like all people want from me, is parties, drugs, guys they want to hookup or girls, or anything they can get they can't normally get or try to get more access than they already do. After that they just leave you hanging and ignoring you.

It's why all my relationships are so ******, everyone wants something no one just wants to hang out. No one wants to talk, no one wants to live in the moment other than partying their life away expecting that it's going to be alright I'm going to say I'm living in the moment for me, but in reality this won't accomplish anything.

I love to party, I just hate people who try to take advantage of others and me especially and have no respect for anyone.

I've talked to my therapist, she's said, "Their isn't any decent females out here, because they aren't what I'd like and that this city isn't healthy to be around for me anymore." It's not that everyone is bad or that I've not talked to a lot. It's like I don't choose to talk to a lot of females now, because I've learned from past experiences, that people only care about getting what they want.

I don't know if it's some bad luck or what, It's like I won't talk to you. If I'm too skeptical and have a bad feeling you are just having me for a tool for your perfect world of screwing people over.

It's like I've had this happen all the time every day from mostly guys, but definitely a lot of females. It's what I accept that it's life and only people care about in the moment is to get to a higher place and shove everyone down in the pit that they feel don't belong with them.

It's human nature. Sadly,
I don't know what you may think of this.

I don't want to date ever, because I don't understand the concept of people getting all worked up to break up later and it's usually a win lose.. lose lose.. type of thing.

I'd rather be casual, which I don't like superficial. I really like to have below the line of superficial intense at first, but founded not from the intensity friendships from just being there and having fun. Sex may or may not happen. I don't care either way.

Because I'd rather have that any day, because right now. I'm baffled and I hate where I people who expose me to a life of just settling.

I wish I could just post pictures of me doing **** all the time.

I wish people who offer me jobs actually talk to me back. I make my self open and they only just shut me out. And be like, "oh I'm sorry... I didn't know" or some stupid excuse.

Money is hard to come by anymore, I don't think people want someone poor. I spend most of my time on my parents bills and their financial stress. Than trying to get out and be independent. College is definitely a no go, and I am not paying for a school for something I'll end up hating.

I am working out a lot more exercising I want to more toned and happy how I look for once. It's starting to go well, It's so emotionally painful how lonely I truly am.

It's like if you don't have drugs, alcohol, or money. No one wants you, It's always people so paranoid and lose sight of their common sense and treat everyone like ****.

It's viral here and when I cuss at myself hit myself and tell myself how worthless I am. I'm having auditory hallucinations or arguments with me screaming at nothing of these people harassing me even if I'm not talking to them after a day or many years.

I want to move far away and disown and say, I never had friends.

This may come off as a random rambling, but its what's bothering me a lot at the moment. I don't know why but I'm not weak mentally, nor insecure, but every time I am with a girl around a bunch of guys or with a bunch of girls. It feels like I'm constantly being attacked. It feels like to me, even if nothing is happening. It feels like everyone sees, if I have a girl around me or if I like someone. It's like the girl right next to me, wants to quickly find a way to screw me over to get me out of her way or that if the girl likes me every guy wants to ruin it. It's like, I stand up for myself or her, but in reality I don't care to. I find it stupid for people doing that. I find I don't like playing cat and mouse, or having to duke it out for a chick.

I don't understand these people I am around. It's like every girl sees me and thinks I'm weak or believe I'm gay. It's like I do everything in my power to be myself and be likable or look attractive and try so hard to be something, but deep down. I don't hate myself, I hate everyone constantly assuming the wrong things make a big tangent about it and just screw me over. It's like, I don't belong here.

I really can't, I feel bad for a girl who likes me, because she will do her hardest to get me to trust her, but I've not met one girl who has patience or the maturity to understand. I don't hate you if I don't trust you. I don't trust you, because I can't yet, it's not your fault. You just have to prove yourself, and no girl will do that, they will be like "be a man and get over it." I tell everyone who is like that, "to **** off! and leave me a lone!"

I will never go up to someone and play their stupid games, I won't go to a church where people are so naive they expect me to fall in love with them and act like I have to adore them 24/7. I mean they are crazy, like, I mean am I not understanding the craziness or that females screwed me over so hard that I can't take any form of flirtation. I find it threatening, I don't lash out at them, I'd never do that until they do act mean to me. I don't like fake people and I don't like broken people who try to fix me to fit their image. I don't like people who want me to change, I don't like people who don't have patience. I can't love someone who doesn't love me so why bring it up I should love you.

It's like I tell people who don't have a gf or bf ever. I tell them, it sucks don't do it. Only do it if you want to find out for yourself. It won't be what you want it to be or what you expect. It's best to shove those ideas down the toilet and expect the worst and hope for the best. It sucks, that a lot people have everything work out for them.

****, I'm working my *** off. Just to be independent and it's nothing is happening. I hate this life I'm living. I want to change, but I don't know where to go. I don't have people who actually want me around or care to.

I wish I could just disappear and just say to the new people I meet my parents are dead and I don't have any friends.

[Travelinglady]

I am sorry you are dealing with all this pain and disappointment. I do suggest you at least take a break from lots of these folks or cut back on seeing them--and keep your eyes open for new, healthier friendships.