[iPh03nixm]

Every time I tell my boyfriend something I'm not comfortable with, he TWISTS it into something more than it should've been. For instance, we got into it at the car shop b/c I asked him what he's going to do with the leftover car paint they gave him. He said, "I still see we have some visible cracks that weren't covered." And knowing him, he would try and fix it himself.
Mind you, he is not an expert. He doesn't know much about cars beside the tutorials he watches on Youtube and he messed up (really badly) the paint job on my car the first time after accidently backing up into one of our family friend's car. Now, he thinks he can do it all and tells me to have FAITH in him each time I question him about it.
I mean it's my car!! I'm the only one who pays for it each month. I rather get it done right the first time around. Am I crazy!? Should I just submit! He questions my faith in him like it's my fault that he doesn't get things right. Really??
He walked off after calling me an Idiot b/c I told him I didn't want him attempting at painting my car. I know he's trying to be helpful and "fix" the damages that he's done to it, but in no way should he try to repair it himself.
I really don't know what more to tell him. He said I basically am calling him "incompetent" when I said I didn't want him fixing my car. I don't think he's incompetent, but as I said I rather get it professionally done right the first time.

He just believes that he can master anything overnight and no one can or should question him about it. Even if he's in no way responsible for it, he thinks in his mind he can do it all.

I need to know what his problem is and what I should do/say to him. I mean I do my best to be firm with him and let him know why I feel uncomfortable. But, he takes it to another level and starts calling me degrading names and tells me I have no trust in him. I know he or anyone is capable of doing it, but it takes some serious practice and commitment. But nope, he doesn't comprehend that at all.
He's all over the place. When something peaks his interests, he gets really OBSESSIVE over it. Spends a significant amount of time researching and buying things b/c of his current obsession. Next day he gets cranky and exhausted from all of it. He DABBLES in many things, but never seem to follow through with it. So, that is why I'm upset, frustrated, concerned, and just don't know what more I can say to get him to understand where I'm coming from...

[Living Dead Guy]

You are completely free to feel however you want independently of your partner and in this instance I agree that you shouldn't allow him to paint your car.

Dabbling is a classic BPD characteristic, as is the impulsive buying. I once spent two grand on an easel, brushes, oil pants, and canvas. Its all still sitting in the closet after a failed dabble. This kind of behavior drives my wife NUTS, and knowing that I've tried to tone it down. But when she tells me I will fail (and the thing to note is that she doesn't say that I will fail, instead she expresses it much as you did, but what I hear is I will fail) I end up depressed, even if I was in a manic mood previously. I seem incapable of separating you may not be able to do that from you fail at everything which is what I believe of myself.

My wife and I have since agreed to take a 5 min separation anytime this happens (although it can last up to an hour, the main point is that we are not longer angry and can listen) then we sit down and tell each other what we meant and what we heard. We don't interrupt at any point until the other is finished. This usually results in me understanding that
1. she isn't leaving
2. she has a point
3. I completely missed the point
4. Had I listened I would have gotten it sooner
5. Its not that she doesn't believe I can't (in fact many time she thinks I can) but that she want a practice run that isn't nearly as costly.

The other thing you can do is to support the dabble in small ways that are not as expensive. In this instance models such as warhammer 40k or model cars, or even a $100 junker as a surprise gift.

Out of curiosity what else does he dabble in? Personally I'm interested in paleontology, physics, Chemistry, Theoretical math, philosophy, Theology, Magic the Gathering, Role playing, Miniature War games, caligraphy, Bonsai, Mechanics, Trapping, Bow making, Welding. The list goes on and on but if you need help with ways to support his hobbies that are inexpensive let me know.

If he has OCD then that is where the problem is coming from , so unless he gets help for that he's not going to change . It will always be one thing after another ...

[Webgoji]

1. He shouldn't call you names or fight over it
2. He shouldn't work on your car, but his
3. He'll never get better at any of the things he does because it sounds like there's an expectation he should get it right the first time like a professional
4. You have to dabble to find that thing you do best and enjoy doing

So while you don't want him messing with your car instead of his (he's trying to do a "guy thing" for you which becomes emasculating because he can't do it) he needs to find his way and have ups and down so he can get good at something he likes. Sounds like you both need to back off each other to me.

[iPh03nixm]

Originally Posted by Living Dead Guy

You are completely free to feel however you want independently of your partner and in this instance I agree that you shouldn't allow him to paint your car.

Dabbling is a classic BPD characteristic, as is the impulsive buying. I once spent two grand on an easel, brushes, oil pants, and canvas. Its all still sitting in the closet after a failed dabble. This kind of behavior drives my wife NUTS, and knowing that I've tried to tone it down. But when she tells me I will fail (and the thing to note is that she doesn't say that I will fail, instead she expresses it much as you did, but what I hear is I will fail) I end up depressed, even if I was in a manic mood previously. I seem incapable of separating you may not be able to do that from you fail at everything which is what I believe of myself.

My wife and I have since agreed to take a 5 min separation anytime this happens (although it can last up to an hour, the main point is that we are not longer angry and can listen) then we sit down and tell each other what we meant and what we heard. We don't interrupt at any point until the other is finished. This usually results in me understanding that
1. she isn't leaving
2. she has a point
3. I completely missed the point
4. Had I listened I would have gotten it sooner
5. Its not that she doesn't believe I can't (in fact many time she thinks I can) but that she want a practice run that isn't nearly as costly.

The other thing you can do is to support the dabble in small ways that are not as expensive. In this instance models such as warhammer 40k or model cars, or even a $100 junker as a surprise gift.

Out of curiosity what else does he dabble in? Personally I'm interested in paleontology, physics, Chemistry, Theoretical math, philosophy, Theology, Magic the Gathering, Role playing, Miniature War games, caligraphy, Bonsai, Mechanics, Trapping, Bow making, Welding. The list goes on and on but if you need help with ways to support his hobbies that are inexpensive let me know.

I, myself have not been professionally diagnosed as BDP but show some traits. He also has shown some BDP and other disorders. But, yes I have supported him and his goals from the start of our relationship. I probably did too much actually (bought him expensive equipments, opened up Electronic store cards, etc.), but that's another story.
It seems like he expects me to show my support by enabling his habits and giving in to his demands, instead of setting boundaries.. I'm made to feel like I'm the crazy one in the relationship and he loves using certain tatics to guilt me. I'm normally someone who puts others before me and always do my best to understand the other persons perspective. I just feel he has been taking advantage of that from the beginning either knowingly or unknowingly.
To answer your last question, he has been dabbling in many genres like photography/videography, music production, video/audio editing, mechanics, clothes designing, anything regarding Japanese culture (highly obessessed), I can go on and on. I'm fed up to the point where I had to try and be straightfoward with him knowing it will get explosive. He's been unstable career-wise way before he met me (from what he told me). It never last very long, until he's on to the next. He house hops a lot too, just never staying in one location for very long... until he has met me. I like, NEED stability and security. He has slowly calmed down his flightly behavior. He's a Gemini, I'm a Scorpio if that even means anything lol I know astrologically we are Not a match. So, yes everyday is a struggle to see eye to eye on many things. He is, we are both @ a point where we need to start settling down n get our life in order b/c he's got a son who's now 14. We been with eachother for 5 years and it seems like we are still stuck @ the beginning stages of our relationship.

[Living Dead Guy]

If he exhibits BPD characteristics then I would suggest therapy specifically DBT, unfortunately that suggestion probably shouldn't come from you.

There is good news, Even without therapy he can get better at managing emotions and relationships as well as minimizing the more flighty tendencies.

For me there were three factors that lessened the intensity of my BPD characteristics. The first was establishing a long term relationship, the second was age (it seemed to fade a great deal at 30), and the third was knowing that my wife would leave if I didn't respect boundaries (she actually did leave for a month)

I would recommend reading a book called Stop Walking on Eggshells it has great relationship advise that works for anyone but is written specifically for loved ones of BPD. Most libraries have at least 1 copy (although ours is reserved for nearly a year and a half out) In this book there is an entire chapter about setting boundries.

I would also suggest watching some videos on youtube here is a quick list:

I would also recommend just about any relationship skill video you find.

Now if he has BPD one of his biggest fears is abandonment by people he loves, that would be you. Make sure that he knows there needs to be compromise otherwise the relationship can't work and you will need to leave. I know it sounds maniputive and it is but sometimes it is the only thing that works. Before setting those bondries I would read the Walking on Eggshells.

Hmm that is an expensive list: The two that standout to me would be clothing design you can get magazines or other cheep art supplies, such as marker sets or a sketchpad. Japanese culture is much easier, you can get caligraphy sets for less then $20, the library has a plethra of books on bonsai, buddism and the Taoism (The Tao ta Ching is great) if he is intrested in religion, Japanese language primers, and old kung fu movies. Many martial art studios offer a 60-90 trail period or at least reduced price. You can get 20 trident maple seeds for $5 for bonsai, There are tons of amines online if your willing to watch them with him, Ramen recipes can be found all over online and are cheap to make, find pictures of kimonos you like the looks of so you can discuss the design aspect with him.

Obviously if you can find mutual enjoyment out of any of these t can strengthen the relationship. If not you can still use some of these ideas as positive reinforcement for good behavior.

[Bill3]

What do you like about him?

[~Christina]

How long have you been dating ? Seems there is little respect in the relationship.

[maidenvoyage1]

Been through this too, STILL going through it with the ex...no matter how much you hate him when you're fighting, you love him too much to let him go. Only those who have stood in these shoes, would understand. It's HEARTBREAKING.