[tiodlliwi]

One of my oldest and closest friends is in the begining stages of planning her wedding. It is a super exciting time for her and I'm very happy for both of them. We were having lunch yesterday and she mentioned (not formally asked) that she is planning for me to be in the wedding party. I told her that while I would really be honored to be a part of the wedding, I would feel more comfortable having a more "behind-the-scenes" role. She knows all about the struggles I have with anxiety and said she totally understood and would not take it personally. Ever since, though, I have felt really bad about it. This is a situation where, although I don't want my anxiety to control me, I know myself enough to know that I will be so anxious about the being in front of people and all that, that I won't even be able to enjoy her wedding. For my own wedding, I had just family and close friends because I just do not like to be up in front of people like that (what if I faint? throw up? go crazy? you know...) Also, I was in another close friend's wedding last fall and I was scared to death and had a major panic attack the entire time- and I even had my husband up there with me for that one!!! And this one is going to have 300+ guests!!!!

I guess what I'm trying to say is- where do we draw the line between making decisions bases on our own comfort levels and letting our anxiety get the better of us? Is it healthy for me to know what I feel comfortable doing/not doing and being able to say "No" or is it just letting anxiety control me and being a wuss? Not to mention, is this rude- to decline being in a wedding party?

Thanks in advance for any responses!

[Raynaadi]

I'm the opposite....I love being on stage, and am pretty extroverted. I get nerves, but do it anyway. So I don't really know what to say about it....however, it sounds like she understands why you declined??? So I don't think its rude. I recently declined being in a wedding because I just couldn't afford to travel to NM and the bridesmaids dresses were like $5000....so money kept me from doing it, and she totally understood. Its not like you just said NO I won't do it!! She understands why it makes you uncomfortable so....I don't think it was rude. Maybe you can help in another way? Like helping decorate the hall before the guests arrive?

[Perna]

I try not to force myself to do anything that I don't really want to do. If I've got an immediate, hard-core :-) reaction against doing something then I don't do it and I accept/respect my feelings. It's your life so don't let other people's needs and experiences direct what you do/feel. You're #1 in your life. Whatever you do is always good for you, because you're doing it! :-)

[Wants2Fly]

It sounds like your friend respects your decision and perhaps even saw it coming. The last thing a bride needs is to be concerned that a member of the wedding party could "freak out." I am sure you will make a wonderful contribution behind the scenes, stiill being very much a part of this happy occasion without causing yourself or her needless stress. That my opinion, worth the going rate or somewhat less of $.02.

[tiodlliwi]

Thanks everyone- that makes me feel a lot better. And, Wants2Fly, you are right- not only will I save myself the stress, but more importantly, the bride!

[cajun]

I'm sure she understands. As long as you are a part of it in some way, it should be OK.

[Smilie]

Maybe just perhaps she invited you to be in her wedding to let you know how much she values your relationship. And by you declining it gave her relief to know that you made your choice to decline and she didn't make that choice for you. I would choose something else behind the scenes like the others said. So you will be showing how much she means to you as well. And you will be included on one of her most important days of her life as she desires you to be there for her.Good luck , it is important that you enjoy yourself as well during this big event.

Smilie