What do you think of women who date married men?

My parents have friends who've strayed and married the mistresses. I've even met one of them when I was 9 and found it quite despicable. What do you think? What if the third wheel doesn't know that his/her lover is married?

I find that unacceptable myself and find it to be unstable.

I have liked a married man in the past but if he had ever left his wife for me that would of been a big turn-off. I would of cut him out of my life, unless he would of changed himself and would of gone back to the woman he had married in the first place.

Now if him and his wife were having actual difficulty due to changes in the relationship and couldn't take it anymore I would of been ok with it if there was divorce then. But even then I would want to wait a while till he would of took care of himself some before a romance relationship.

Utterly unacceptable and completely disrespectful. How someone could be okay with being a major problem in someone else's marriage is beyond me. It smacks of vanity, ego and selfishness.

I have never dated a married man.

That said, I have a lot of trouble blaming the "mistress". I feel like, the guy is the one who took a vow and made a promise - if he cheats on his wife, that is 100% on him. The "other woman" (assuming she's not married) didn't make any such promises.

And THAT said, as a woman, I think it's a dumb thing to do, and smacks of low self-esteem. Why would anyone WANT a married man, unless they are afraid of commitment, and figure out that being with someone who is unavailable for a full, healthy relationship is one way to avoid that?

So, I think it's unhealthy, stupid, and shows that a woman doesn't really respect herself enough to hold out for someone who can be a full partner in a real relationship, but I don't find it "despicable".

I have seen marriages to a mistress, and they were very stable, but the unifying "theme" that made those marriages so stable is that the mistress has what I call a high "*****iness quotient". Based on what I have seen, I find it extremely curious that people call the mistress in the situations where the man leaves for her lacking in self respect or self esteem, but that the mistress would be called selfish is quite appropriate.

It is incorrect to say that if a person has an affair with mistress A and then leaves the wife to be with mistress A as his new wife that he will eventually leave A for yet another woman, because in reality it sometimes happens and sometimes does not, so there are no rules. But a thoroughly goal-oriented gal with a high *****iness quotient often can get a man to leave his wife (often it the case that the wife is his age and the mistress is younger, but it is not necessarily the case) and marry her and stay with her until his death - cases abound.

OP - to your question, there are no rules and there is no single "character" of a mistress of a married man. From a woman who is in love with the man and accepts the fact that he cannot leave his wife for her but still wants whatever little she can have with him in terms of a relationship, to a woman who hopes that the guy would leave his wife, either because he equivocates or simply because she is given to holding false hopes, to a woman who is just having fun and is not trying to snatch the guy (probably most cases would fall in this category), to a woman who does not feel entitled to anything more than occasional rendezvous because of trauma in her past or low self esteem in her present, to, basically, a myriad of different scenarios that defy categorization. You are very young so you probably have not read that much - given the age - or observed that many relationships unfold, which is why you only saw that one case when you were 9. As you go through life and get exposed to more people, more situations, etc., you will see that there is as much variability in relationships that involve a 3rd person as there is variability in life in general.

Based on my own observations, though, it usually takes a gal with a truly high *****iness quotient who would not consider anybody's best interest except for hers to successfully marry the man whose mistress she originally was and stay with him. The higher the "*****iness quotient", the more likely the woman is to snatch a married man for herself. Usually, in these cases, the man is affluent and the woman... not yet >. And the man in those situations is happily naive. To sum up, the more naive the man and the *****ier the mistress, the higher the chance of their marrying and staying married for life. I have several decades of observing people's lives unfold before me to draw on in discerning this pattern. But that it just that - a pattern and not a rule.

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Charles Baudelaire
“You walk on corpses, beauty, undismayed.”

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Just to explain - by saying that a woman has a high *****iness quotient I mean that she would not be deterred by any considerations of other people's needs, concerns, or interests - she would walk on corpses without any care.

So to draw a spectrum - one one end of the spectrum we have the combination of a naive man and a high *****iness quotient woman; this combination is likely to result in the man's divorce and remarriage. On the other end of the spectrum we have a naive woman and a man who disregards her feelings and equivocates about his intentions and plans; the naive woman hopes that he would divorce his wife and marry the naive woman, but it almost never happens. There is a lot of ground in-between, but in general the interplay between naivete and walking on corpses determines the outcome of such relationships.

If people decide to stray that's their prerogative but they have to deal with the consequences not only to themselves but to others. Cheating is sometimes accepted within a marriage - some even work better for it. But this is usually when all parties are aware of what's going on. The reason why a lot people aren't hurt by not knowing is because they don't know. But you get the partners who would rather take the risk and maintain what they feel is a better marriage that could well survive even if the affair is discovered. A lot depends on the state of a marriage beforehand and the effect on it during one/both partners indiscretions.

I don't think this is a topic that's as black and white as whatever Jerry Springer show portrays it to be. Human relationships are very, very complicated. The bottom line for me is that we can't control what others do or take responsibility either - but we can decide what we want to do and whether to take responsibility for it.

Thanks everyone for your insightful answers. I will elaborate on the ones I know to explain why I find these despicable. That said, the keyword is "these" because I cannot judge the ones I do not know of and there is a confluence of elements like what you have pointed out. On the whole, I still find affairs unacceptable at the least and both cheaters have to take responsibility.

1. This happened when I was 5 or 6 (but my mother told me years later) to my tutor. Her husband is quite the lazy oaf (who has a nasty habit of walking around shirtless when her students are over) and she is the family's main pillar of financial support. He had an affair with their maid and she and their daughter suffered from depression after this. The poor girl missed 7th grade consequently and got even more depressed. I just find it so brazen how a man can cheat with the maid under the same roof as his wife.

2. The one when I was 9. My parents' friends (a couple who met in university) were separated in two lands for work. The husband is a CEO in China while the wife works in my country and takes care of their daughter. She went to China to renovate their new house and the day after she left the mistress moved in when she herself hasn't stayed there before despite paying for it. They only found out when the guy got into a minor car accident with the other woman whom a colleague revealed was not his business partner/coworker. Apparently they had met because of a car accident too, as the mistress was a nurse who tended to him extra carefully with the intention of "hooking" a big fish and living the good life even though she knew he was married. He paid mimimum alimony till his daughter was 18.

3. My neighbour was a housewife while her husband worked in China. This mistress (I hate her the most) came all the way to their house and threw a ***** fit demanding they divorce. It was quite the scene with the wife and 3 sons crying and this horrid woman shamelessly wrecking a family. And the crap husband refused to pay court-ordered alimony where he was immune in China, leaving his family in financial ruin.

ombrétwilight - case (1) is a classic script - just make sure you realize that . The most famous book ever written on the subject of couples relationship starts with that kind of a discovery. A governess, not a maid, so - more glorified, but the essence is the same. The cheating H in the classic story is not brazen, though; he is just fallible, and his being fallible endears the reader to him. He also is far from being a pillar of financial support; rather, his financial affairs are in disarray to say the least. He is, however, lazy. So he is not like your tutor's H in terms of financial might or being brazen; the laziness and the involvement of a female domestic worker under the same roof are what makes the cases similar.

(1) - (3) of the cases you describe involve a very significant financial disparity between H and W. In addition, you describe failure to pay sufficient alimony or child support on the part of the H. So what you find despicable, analyzing the examples, is not sexual cheating per se, but a different kind of cheating - at least not for the most part. What you find despicable is that the W, presumably married to the H at a fairly young age, got to do all the dirty work - feed the H well so that he would be able to succeed in business, planned meals, shopped, cleaned, most likely did most of the childrearing wiping bums and all, and... when the H got secure enough in his position in society and financially, he took off with another woman who did not do any of the dirty work, did not wipe the bums of his children, did not listen to his worries when he was insecure at the beginning of his career, and basically did not earn the right to enjoy the good life with him. That is what you are objecting to so passionately. Note that cases (2) and (3) range from paying insufficient support to being totally immune from paying support.

Or, in the nurse example you are describing, you are disgusted by the scheming nurse who did expend a little effort to be attentive to the man, but not because she was caring; rather, she lured him, planning to cash in, given that her "patient" had the title of the CEO to his name.

So you are astute and with a keen sense of ethics, and thus you object to gross injustice when it is happening in the lives of people you know.

The cheating you object to, if I make the right inferences from the string of real life examples you presented, is the wives' and children's being cheated out of good life. The wives and children who are left in financial ruin were cheated out of the life they were entitled to lead, and, in the case of the wives, that they worked hard to achieve, only to be majorly shortchanged later by the husbands; at least (2)-(3) are. Case (1) did not lead to a divorce.

To check whether this is true - whether it is true that you primarily find inequities despicable - run through several hypothetical scenarios in your head and test whether your reactions would stay the same or change.

a) H and W, both married without children, both working and making the same amount of money. H gets a mistress. Is it less objectionable that cases (2) and (3) you described, more objectionable than they are, or equally objectionable? Now, let us say that he plans to divorce the W. What would you say? Further, let us say that he is perfectly happy with the status quo and has no plans to divorce the W - your reactions?

b) H and W and two kids. H works and W stays home with the kids, but H helps out a lot both with the housework and volunteering at school, and, can afford to hire cleaners twice a month so that his W would only do light cleaning. The W has free time to enjoy opera and do creative projects, and the H takes pride in the art she makes. The H gets a mistress. Your reaction? Also, run through both versions of this, i.e. that H wants to divorce or does not want to divorce. In case he wants to divorce, he plans to pay enough support and alimony to enable the W to continue living the same lifestyle, and plans to continue volunteering at the kids' schools.

Also, test your reactions by changing the income level of the mistress in each scenario. Vary what the mistress wants - does she want the H to divorce the W or is she happy being a mistress? Vary what the W wants if she learns of the affair.

If you run through all of these various scenarios, you probably would zero in on what exactly is most despicable in your mind. It might be an interesting mental exercise.

Again, as I see it, you react strongly to injustice. This quality is very helpful in certain occupations (say, it is helpful if you are a social worker, but not helpful if you are an investment banker). I do not remember exactly what your planned occupation is - I recall your post about applying for an internship, but do not recall the subject matter of the internship. If you are at a crossroads as to what to do professionally, this very strong sense of ethics will serve you very well in some fields and very poorly in others, so you need to plan carefully for your professional life. There is no such thing as "corporate culture" as corporations differ widely, but there are enough corporations where office politics, grapevine and rumors, intrigues, etc. occupy the center stage, and where you cannot rise up the ranks without scheming and participating in cliques. YOU would NOT do well in that kind of environment, so beware.

I know this is not what you meant to be discussing on this thread, but since I know that you are young and seeking unpaid internships, I thought I'd tell you about where NOT to go.

I personally think it's a wrong thing to do,cheating. As my first husband cheated on me.

But... I don't feel that the woman is the problem she can throw herself at him every chance she gets, She probably enjoys nabbing a married man/men? but, hey! That her choice , the blame falls upon the man that decides to cheat. His boy parts don't just ramdomly fall into her girl parts.

I myself am extremely attracted, and turned on by a married man atm. But i have decided to leave it as just a fanasty. I would never want to feel responsible for breaking up a marriage, especially if there are kids in the picture. In my opinion there is plenty of men out there who aren't taken, so there's no need to go after someone who is (that's not to say there won't be temptations) . Most girls think that he will leave his wife for them, but usually the guy just wants something different in the sack because he's been having sex with the same broad for years LOL. and honestly sometimes people just have sexual fanasties about sleeping with someone who is already married. so in other words I would just sum this up to : different strokes, for different folks lol.

I was typing this out yesterday but my laptop crashed >.> Here goes again:

True! I don't like it when men become successful on the backs of their sedulous wives and then tire of their fading youth. However, my tutor was the breadwinner, not her husband who worked as a contractual construction worker and earned a minimal, unstable income at best. Also, in case 2, the wife was also a corporate high flyer as both of them were the brightest students in the country for their cohorts and held graduate degrees in engineering. However, she did earn less than the husband because she sacrificed her career for the family.

I just remembered this rising local social phenomenon where old retired men would be seduced by young women who come from China for this sole purpose. After a brief "romance" the women would then tell the men that they wished to marry them and lead a happy life in China. These men would then adamantly divorce their dumbstruck wives and withdraw their life savings to discover that the China girl has departed with the money. I suppose this is retribution but the wives suffer unfairly too, having lost everything they had worked for their entire lives and everything they had to look forward to the rest of their lives.

a) That is interesting, I would say less objectionable due to the lack of children. Somehow the presence of children ought to make a man reconsider his lifestyle choices IMO. Kids are hurt the most by disputes between parents, I should know this very well.

b) Explained with the reverse logic for a).

Thanks for the advice - I absolutely agree that office politics can often make or break one's careers (not from personal experience but those of people I know). My internship is in teaching and it will be paid (not full-pay though) but I am only doing this for experience and not because I intend to teach as a career. I plan to become a psychologist (clinical/counselling) and work in my alma mater as a counsellor at some point.

It's strange though because while I do have a strong sense of ethics, I am equally capable of being a hypocrite. I could just as well find myself in situations I would otherwise lambast, yet continue with my participation with no lasting guilt. It is almost like cognitive dissonance, with each distinct part of my identity co-existing harmoniously. Being the owner of an online business, I understand the guile needed to deal with suppliers and customers and I have good intuition of other people and a naturally suspicious personality.

I don't know - I can seem like a nice person but I can also be really two-faced, something I'm not proud of yet do not mind at the same time LOL. It might be surprising but I was one of those intensely cliquey girls in elementary/middle school (jealousy, narcissism and possessiveness?) yet I truly believed in being nice to everyone. Very confusing, huh?

I had an affair with a married man... It was a horrible thing to do... He was an avid cheater... I was his fourth affair.. he was my first and only. Anyways, he was very close to me for several years, so we already had a friendship before the affair.

Honestly, that is why I have joined this forum. I felt so dependent on him at the time. I was convinced that i was in love with him. Now, over a year later, I see it for what it was... lies to get his cake and eat it too. I honestly think that something snaps inside of you and you lose all sanity at times.. it was like I had a complete month-long mental fart... I don't know how else to explain it or how to pick up the pieces of what I have broken...

I have a close (female) friend who when I met her, had been in a long term relationship with a married colleague for well over a decade. I mean, the guy's wife knew her and they both openly went out under the guise of "social engagements" such as sports and concerts, neither of which the guy's wife enjoyed, so apparently she was fine with him attending events with this woman. Eventually, it surfaced that she was in this relationship because it had well defined boundaries; he had made no bones about the fact that he would not leave his wife (they had been married 20+ yrs and had kids). She didn't have to be concerned about the relationship going any further than the affair. She eventually met someone else, single and left the guy (AFAIK, that is). The married man couldn't really put up much of a fuss, since he wanted to preserve his marriage and social standing.

I don’t particularly think about them but I used to work with a woman in her early twenties that tried to come onto me for some unknown reason and she knew I was married and even had MET my Wife and it didn’t make any difference to her. I was offended and she later claimed I had led her on but at no point did I do such a thing and I was just being a friend and trying to help her out because she had been going through a difficult time in her life.

I think the men are to blame the most in these situations because if they truly loved their wives they would tell these women were to go and there is no such excuse as not being able to keep it in their pants. If you love your Wife you will remain faithful to her and no other woman will have the power to change that.