Coping with the end of abusive relationship

sabrina_spellman · Oct 17, 2014, 03:17 AM

So, I finally ended things in an abusive relationship.
My friends know 60% of what really happened and they are supportive, but they are in different countries or states - not much of a help.
My ex keeps cropping up in my office - we are in different locations of the same company - and keeps scaring the hell out of me - he even raised his hand threatening to hit me if i refused to marry him.
Now he has gone silent for a few days and his friends keep sending me weird mails like how are you, what happened, etc. To top it off, they sent me a message that he met with an accident and hope I am doing fine - as if I am to be blamed for his accident.
He seems to be okay but he puts on this drama that he is depressed - for the past few days - and now this accident ploy.
It seriously sucks that I've to sneak around everywhere to avoid him. Even his family has clearly mentioned that they want nothing to do with us. Yet he persists that his family wants us together (because his family plays a double-agent : saying one to us and another to him). I am staunchly ignoring him and his friends, and trying to get a new job (which will take a few months at least). How long will he keep on at this

Nat92 · Oct 17, 2014, 05:40 AM

I think what you need to do is to make it crystal clear to him and his friends, that you want no contact at all. Block their email addresses by tagging them as junkmail, simply just block all sources of contact. They have no business getting involved in this and it appears that your ex is only using them to keep tabs on you.

As for him, if there's any chance you could talk with your boss about this? Tell him it makes you uncomfortable and that he threatens you. I believe you can get a restraining order.

You have to focus on yourself right now and do what you need to move on. Toss him out, he has no place in your life anymore and shouldn't take up even a second of your time.

healingme4me · Oct 18, 2014, 06:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sabrina_spellman

How long will he keep on at this

Sadly, he probably won't stop, without something preventing him from contacting you.

Oct 19, 2014, 11:23 AM

My abusers (family of origin) kept trying to insinuate themselves into my life even after I requested them to leave me alone ...

I finally quit my job (an 18 year career), legally changed my name and relocated to another town.

It sucks that WE have to be the ones to make all the changes, but it's up to us to ensure our physical and emotionally safety.

Even a court order can't protect us from people who are hell bent on destroying us!

If you decide to take this route, remember ...

You can NEVER have contact with ANYONE from your past as they may betray your newfound safe space to your abuser(s)!

I wish you the best in finding your power and saving yourself!

Werewoman · Oct 19, 2014, 12:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nat92

I think what you need to do is to make it crystal clear to him and his friends, that you want no contact at all. Block their email addresses by tagging them as junkmail, simply just block all sources of contact. They have no business getting involved in this and it appears that your ex is only using them to keep tabs on you.

As for him, if there's any chance you could talk with your boss about this? Tell him it makes you uncomfortable and that he threatens you. I believe you can get a restraining order.

You have to focus on yourself right now and do what you need to move on. Toss him out, he has no place in your life anymore and shouldn't take up even a second of your time.

The only thing I might add here is, could you talk with his boss? Better yet, could your boss talk with his boss?

Do whatever you have to in order to keep yourself safe. Always take the high road and you can't lose.

WW

sabrina_spellman · Oct 21, 2014, 01:20 AM

I have blocked him on all social media and my phone. I am unable to change my mobile number immediately and so he sends me a message occasionally - stuff like "I owe him" etc. Are guys normally like this? Will they keep coming back if we break up? I feel quite happy normally, but he gets me down with messages like this.
How long do people like him keep at this till they give up?

sabrina_spellman · Oct 21, 2014, 01:21 AM

The reason why I haven't spoken on this to our bosses is because, my family wants me to keep this down. They don't wish for me to unnecessarily grow the problems.

Werewoman · Oct 21, 2014, 01:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sabrina_spellman

I have blocked him on all social media and my phone. I am unable to change my mobile number immediately and so he sends me a message occasionally - stuff like "I owe him" etc. Are guys normally like this? Will they keep coming back if we break up? I feel quite happy normally, but he gets me down with messages like this.
How long do people like him keep at this till they give up?

To be frank, some don't stop until one or both of you are dead. The whole 'stalker who insists if he can't have you no one will' type of guy.

Sorry if I'm scaring you, it's not as rare as some people may think. I hope this is not the case with you and only time will tell for sure, unfortunately.

Werewoman · Oct 21, 2014, 01:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sabrina_spellman

The reason why I haven't spoken on this to our bosses is because, my family wants me to keep this down. They don't wish for me to unnecessarily grow the problems.

I defer to my previous post on this one. Does your family know for certain that by speaking to your boss it will 'unnecessarily grow the problems'?

I wish you all the best and that I am wrong about this. Keep us posted on how it goes.

WW

sabrina_spellman · Oct 28, 2014, 11:36 AM

Updating on this:

He went and yelled at my dad in public that I am a slut and he has my exes numbers, etc.

Then he came to my work-place and expected to have a civil conversation. Finally when I walked off without responding, he questioned me if that's the way to tackle the end of a relationship and sent me a mail asking for his stuff back. I don't know what to do. He is just a plain whacked up psycho who terrifies me every second. I did inform a senior in my office and she agreed to keep an eye out for me.

We just don't want to make him lose his job and provoke his anger.

Werewoman · Oct 28, 2014, 11:42 AM

I STRONGLY suggest you try to get a restraining order against this guy.

sabrina_spellman · Oct 28, 2014, 12:03 PM

Hmm... First and last.. I am in India...
Such things are quite unheard of (our law and order system is so amazing! Yes I am sarcastic). You just need to check out our land's politics and security - terrible. If we go to file such a thing, they'll insult me and degrade my name so much that I can never step out in public.
I've a support network of friends. But everyone seems quite confused cos his behaviour is random and unexpected.

Werewoman · Oct 28, 2014, 12:29 PM

No need to explain about Indian culture. I have known many Indians who have come here to escape the 'system' over there. Your network of friends is probably your best defense and you seem to be using it wisely. I think you are doing very well under the circumstances. Hopefully your office senior can give you a head's up the next time he shows up. There is always the possibility that he will give up and go away, too.

Sending prayers for safety your way.