[sabrina_spellman]

So, my abusive ex keeps following me around office. I am trying for new jobs but still, nothing has worked out for me yet. I returned his gifts. Now he wants his cards back and two minutes of my time. I threw his cards ages ago and he knows it. Now he threatens to post our pictures and some video he took (I am unaware of this) to whomsoever I end up marrying. He says that he will follow me till he ruins my married life "because I deserve this". Now I really can't go to my parents with this issue - 100% I can't. I don't know what to do. I feel so utterly helpless. I am so terrified that he will ruin my whole life, and I feel like killing myself.

[Yoda]

Does he work with you? Can you speak with a supervisor and ask for help?

What do you think your parents would say?

[sabrina_spellman]

Originally Posted by Yoda

Does he work with you? Can you speak with a supervisor and ask for help?

What do you think your parents would say?

Umm... My parents would kill me or worse-case scenario, they'll get heart attacks. Yes he works with me - same office but different teams. The reason why I've left this unescalated to the management is that they treat these things too seriously and would even fire him. I don't wish that to happen 'cso that will infuriate him and all hell will break loose. Honestly, I just wish to harm myself for bringing this on myself. I've been ignoring him this far - no contact rule. But I don't know as to how effective it is.

[hamster-bamster]

Which country are you in? Do you live with your parents or alone?

If you have your own address and are in the States, a lot of people here can guide you in the process of obtaining a restraining order against him. However, if you live with your parents, it would be tricky to conceal the process of obtaining a restraining order from them since the correspondence from the court would need to be sent to their address. Conceivably, you can rent a P.O.Box from the post office and have correspondence from the court sent there - then you can do the restraining order while living with the parents and without their knowledge (but it would cost some money to rent the P.O.Box and you would need to find time to go get your mail regularly).

Whatever the ex is saying by way of threatening to ruin your married life does not make sense and the threats are empty. You are not getting married yet; there is nobody to whom he would send the videos. Even if there were a fiance in your life, seeing your pictures with the ex would not ruin the relationship. Most likely, by the time you are ready to be married, the internet would be one big dumpster of various pictures and videos that disgruntled boyfriends have posted, and nobody would take any interest in that dumpster. Please realize that you FEEL alone, FEEL threatened, etc., but in reality just as you were typing up your post, another gal in a very similar position was typing up a similar post asking for help, and another, and another - your situation is not unique, but typical. Very clearly, these is no good reason to harm yourself and much less so, kill yourself. Your situation is unpleasant, but typical - a disgruntled ex making angry but empty threats. Please get a perspective and some distance from the situation. Unless he has a history of physical violence towards you, he is just *****ing.

Also, you are worried that the parents would get a heart attack. For one, it is unlikely. For another, when you want to kill yourself and are not seeking out the help of the parents for fear of their getting heart attacks, you are valuing your life lower than their health. But look at this from that angle - suppose you have killed yourself. Would they then not get heart attacks? What is more likely to cause heart attacks in them - losing you forever or learning that some dude cannot take "no" for an answer?

If you can ask the management to gently reprimand him without firing him, that would be best, but I am not sure you are mature enough to navigate that terrain and strike the rather delicate balance between having your needs for safety met without ousting ex from your office.

Right now the main problem that you seem to be having is "tunnel vision". It is understandable that a young woman in your situation, trying to please everyone, would feel that she is at the end of her rope. But if you look at your situation from the vantage point of a bystander, you will see that you are not at the end of your rope and that you have some power over the abusive ex.

[sabrina_spellman]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Which country are you in? Do you live with your parents or alone?

If you have your own address and are in the States, a lot of people here can guide you in the process of obtaining a restraining order against him. However, if you live with your parents, it would be tricky to conceal the process of obtaining a restraining order from them since the correspondence from the court would need to be sent to their address. Conceivably, you can rent a P.O.Box from the post office and have correspondence from the court sent there - then you can do the restraining order while living with the parents and without their knowledge (but it would cost some money to rent the P.O.Box and you would need to find time to go get your mail regularly).

Whatever the ex is saying by way of threatening to ruin your married life does not make sense and the threats are empty. You are not getting married yet; there is nobody to whom he would send the videos. Even if there were a fiance in your life, seeing your pictures with the ex would not ruin the relationship. Most likely, by the time you are ready to be married, the internet would be one big dumpster of various pictures and videos that disgruntled boyfriends have posted, and nobody would take any interest in that dumpster. Please realize that you FEEL alone, FEEL threatened, etc., but in reality just as you were typing up your post, another gal in a very similar position was typing up a similar post asking for help, and another, and another - your situation is not unique, but typical. Very clearly, these is no good reason to harm yourself and much less so, kill yourself. Your situation is unpleasant, but typical - a disgruntled ex making angry but empty threats. Please get a perspective and some distance from the situation. Unless he has a history of physical violence towards you, he is just *****ing.

Also, you are worried that the parents would get a heart attack. For one, it is unlikely. For another, when you want to kill yourself and are not seeking out the help of the parents for fear of their getting heart attacks, you are valuing your life lower than their health. But look at this from that angle - suppose you have killed yourself. Would they then not get heart attacks? What is more likely to cause heart attacks in them - losing you forever or learning that some dude cannot take "no" for an answer?

If you can ask the management to gently reprimand him without firing him, that would be best, but I am not sure you are mature enough to navigate that terrain and strike the rather delicate balance between having your needs for safety met without ousting ex from your office.

Right now the main problem that you seem to be having is "tunnel vision". It is understandable that a young woman in your situation, trying to please everyone, would feel that she is at the end of her rope. But if you look at your situation from the vantage point of a bystander, you will see that you are not at the end of your rope and that you have some power over the abusive ex.

I live in India and so, restraining orders are not something which I've seen implemented here. For now, whatever else I do, I haven't responded to him in any way. I haven't gone and met him, neither did I reply to his mails. I am just quite scared - making my parents aware on his threats would hurt them a lot, and scared too, which will make them call his parents and request/threaten his silence - and obviously make him successful in his threats. I just don't want him to know that I am scared and he succeeded scaring me in away way - he did that for two years already. When I am calm, I rationalize that he is acting the same way he always has acted - threaten me till I give in. What frustrates him - I know - is that this far, his threats worked and now they don't.

Whatever happens to me, I just wish to keep my family from it. People keep saying that he'll be fine once his parents get him married, but, it is quite obvious that I'll get married before him. I can keep it as much as a secret I possibly can from him - by refraining from publicizing it or making it available to social media. But, the world is small - and I am worried he'll wreak havoc.

I just don't know how long it takes for him to take the hint from my silence and move on

[sabrina_spellman]

As for those in my situation, many deaths happen to girls here because of these threats. So none take these things lightly. He will be put into serious trouble with this, and he will just become more psycho...

[hamster-bamster]

Sorry, I did not realize that you are in a small world in India - I do see what worries you so much now.

[hamster-bamster]

So you do have a fiance already?

[Rose76]

Does your family have an attorney whom you could talk to for advice? Does your community have any resources for women in abusive relationships? Make yourself aware of any support that may exist for a woman in your predicament.

[sabrina_spellman]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

So you do have a fiance already?

No but my folks are looking - they have some prospects at hand (arranged marriages are kind of like that). Of course, even when I do get married, I intend to only tell my closest circles, and avoid social media. This may happen now or later. It is just his blackmailing which is getting to me - the whole fear thing. I do know that this is how many lives fall apart - not just the girls themselves but also the parents. I am now just ignoring him, unlike before when I used to respond as a scared child when he threatened and bullied me into doing all he wanted to do. But I don't know as to how long I need to carry on with this.

[sabrina_spellman]

Originally Posted by Rose76

Does your family have an attorney whom you could talk to for advice? Does your community have any resources for women in abusive relationships? Make yourself aware of any support that may exist for a woman in your predicament.

No, not really. As far as I know, people even suggest staying on in a relationship/marriage even if the guy kills you kinda like - he is your husband. Or they'll just frown upon the girl and question her character no matter how bad the guy gets. As for parents - at this point, they couldn't do much

[Angelique67]

Is it possible you could take a trip away for a while with a tour group? Maybe the distance would give some perspective and a respite from his abuse.

[hvert]

Check out the book 'Gift of Fear.' It may have some ideas for you - it definitely addresses these kind of stalker situations.

[Rose76]

That's really sad that your society enables this awful behavior. Maybe if your family can find you a good potential partner, and you come to care for each other, the new man in your life can help you with this terrible dilemma. I realize that too is a touchy situation.

[hamster-bamster]

Sabrina, do you know any girl who has been in your shoes?

It seems to me that the only realistic source of protection for you right now is the employer. Even if they end up firing the guy. Because look - he has been doing it for awhile - the blackmail and threats. You say he'd escalate if he gets fired. Do you mean that he would be physically violent?

The reason I am suggesting you escalate to the management is that if he gets fired, you would not have to be tense all day at work. You will be able to relax. Not only will it improve your work performance - I imagine that it is tough for you to do the job while you are in constant worry and he is nearby - but also it will make the overall stress level lower for you. Work will become like a respite from worry.

In this case, I would not get him fired. (I would if you were living here, because you would have PLENTY of people on your side)

Keep ignoring him. He's trying to scare you and if you come across as not caring if he exposes anything about you, then he has no ammunition.
He sounds like a bully, but I'm thinking that he's all bark and no bite. He knows you can get him fired, and without a job he probably can't get married. Correct me if I'm wrong, here.

[sabrina_spellman]

Originally Posted by Angelique67

Is it possible you could take a trip away for a while with a tour group? Maybe the distance would give some perspective and a respite from his abuse.

Wish I could! Nope that's not possible here for me.

[sabrina_spellman]

Originally Posted by Rose76

That's really sad that your society enables this awful behavior. Maybe if your family can find you a good potential partner, and you come to care for each other, the new man in your life can help you with this terrible dilemma. I realize that too is a touchy situation.

Yes, they wish for it too. But as my mom says, there maybe one guy in thousands here who would be able to understand. Yes, they could and would find someone for me who will love and care for me. The only variable in this factor is the fear that my ex will interfere and make our lives hell. Sadly, since our jobs (family's and mine) are here, we couldn't even relocate. My issue now is not that I couldn't cope with the end of the relationship. I mentally prepared myself for this for long and I am okay on that end. It is just a fear that my ex will wreak havoc on my life somehow - and he is clever enough to find everything, and yet remain undetected . My family asks me to ignore all his attempts at contacting me - which I've been doing well. I just wish for him to go on with his own life and leave him alone - and I just don't know how long it will take for someone like him to leave me alone.

[sabrina_spellman]

Originally Posted by sophiesmom

In this case, I would not get him fired. (I would if you were living here, because you would have PLENTY of people on your side)

Keep ignoring him. He's trying to scare you and if you come across as not caring if he exposes anything about you, then he has no ammunition.
He sounds like a bully, but I'm thinking that he's all bark and no bite. He knows you can get him fired, and without a job he probably can't get married. Correct me if I'm wrong, here.

@Hamster-Bamster: It will be quite easy to get him fired, but, the consequences will be awful. It will egg him on to not care as to what he does next, and he will end up harming me in every way possible.

@Sophiesmom: That's exactly what I am doing now - ignoring his threats, pleas and every other attempt of his'. I've not informed anything to mutual friends - I've just cut ties with them, and kept in only my own friends.
He is from a different place (his family lives elsewhere), and that sometimes is an issue - his family doesn't care to check up on him despite my family informing them of his behavior. If he did end up getting married, he would leave me alone, and he probably knows in his mind that I won't get him fired. The chances of his family becoming proactive and getting him married is nil right now he just keeps creeping me out - like I have almost gotten a new job (it will take a couple of months at least for certain procedures), yet it stresses me no end to keep checking on as to whether he is behind me in office, or his mails (which i am unable to block due to same domain issues - I could only redirect them to the deleted items folder).

I really wish I knew as to when this will end. This stresses me no end. I've lost weight, lost my appetite, and my girly cycle is all screwed up and delayed which further stresses me out if I am pregnant (is that even possible after two months' periods after the last time I had sex ).

I am just praying hard, and trying to calm myself for now by being in touch with my spiritual side - it is all I am able to do now.

[hamster-bamster]

Sabrina - which email domain are you using?

Maybe, as a "clean slate" step, you can get a new email account and give out the new address from now on. From the old account, have auto-forwarding to the new account. Send a mass mailing to all your contacts from the old email client, excluding him and any mutual contacts, announcing the new address.

Is that possible?

Another idea is to have his emails returned to him (bounced back), but not every email client supports this function.

[sabrina_spellman]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Sabrina - which email domain are you using?

Maybe, as a "clean slate" step, you can get a new email account and give out the new address from now on. From the old account, have auto-forwarding to the new account. Send a mass mailing to all your contacts from the old email client, excluding him and any mutual contacts, announcing the new address.

Is that possible?

Another idea is to have his emails returned to him (bounced back), but not every email client supports this function.

I deleted my old personal email accounts which he knew of, and created new ones. But, I am talking about my office emails - we use MS Outlook. It has something against blocking same-domain emails

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by sabrina_spellman

I deleted my old personal email accounts which he knew of, and created new ones. But, I am talking about my office emails - we use MS Outlook. It has something against blocking same-domain emails

oh, interoffice emails - got it. Nothing you can do about it. Your IT guy might do something, but not you yourself, and going to the IT dept is like disclosing this whole thing in the office.

I am sorry - I forgot that you work in the same office.

[sabrina_spellman]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

oh, interoffice emails - got it. Nothing you can do about it. Your IT guy might do something, but not you yourself, and going to the IT dept is like disclosing this whole thing in the office.

I am sorry - I forgot that you work in the same office.

Thanks Hamster-Bamster. It really is so tough, with him acting as if I caused a world of pain for him, when it was reverse. I go out of my way to avoid him - I take all sorts of detours just so that I won't see him. I am even scared that if he sees me smile, he'll do something just to ruin it. Now he keeps badgering me asking for his cards (which I tossed out long back and he knows). Threatening to come to my house and yell at my folks, and to ruin my married life etc. I am ignoring it all. My friends are my confidantes in this, and they ask me to be strong. But it is just so hard to keep it together sometimes. What did I do to him I tried andt tried to make it okay. In the end, nothing worked. Even my folks tried to please his folks. But his folks opposed everything strongly, and lied to him that they were okay but we weren't. It sucks that we didn't harm anyone but, I am forced to endure this pain everyday.

[lilypup]

I am so sorry this is happening to you. Am thinking of you and sending good thoughts. Hugs.

[tipper1492]

So sorry! It would be good, maybe it would, if you could move away. I understand your fear, and that's no way to live. Is India where people have been known to toss acid on people? Maybe that's a horrible thing to say, but the act of that is more horrible, not to say what else he is capable of. He sounds like he would do anything. Wish to could disappear in America. Even if he found out you were here, there are more here to protect you and the laws have gotten better at protection.