[helplovesupport]

My live in boyfriend of 3 years was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in September of this year, after a failed suicide attempt. He was hospitalized, did outpatient program and was back on track and happier than I had ever seen him. I noticed he had dipped into a manic cycle and asked if he had been taking his medications which he said "sometimes". I counted them and he had missed the previous 5 doses. I let him know how important it is for him to be consistent and he agreed. Fast forward to a week later, he tells me that his mental health is depleting, and I am right; he needs to focus on himself and stay with his parents (he is 29, they live about 3 miles from us) for a period time bc he can't offer the support I deserve in the relationship and in a partner.

We have a fantastic relationship, I can count the amount of times on one hand we have gotten into an argument and they're always rectified before bedtime. We never go to sleep mad. I saw him for the first time in two weeks on Monday night to give him some of his mail and the moment we locked eyes, we both started bawling. Said we missed and loved each other but he couldn't come home yet and needed to really be focusing on himself, which I agreed with, although it hurts like hell for him to not be there.

Last night, he texted me asking if I had thought about anything I was going to do with our apartment; as in, giving it up and moving out since the rent is too much for me to handle alone. I have already made a plan of working extra hours and possibly getting a second job to be able to stay at our place, it is the only security I have. He has only taken 3 bags of clothes with him to his parents and has not come to collect anything else in about 2 weeks time. In my heart, I know he loves me deeply. I know he wants our relationship but knows he CANT do it right now, which I get. All I am having a hard time grasping is why, on Monday, he was crying in my arms saying he loves and misses me and then yesterday, asking what I plan to do about moving out/moving on. The emotions are SO back and forth and we had another huge crying conversation last night with me telling him I am okay on the back burner until he's ready for this relationship to continue.

My question is, I know his medication takes 4-6 weeks to fully get into his system and he has only been taking it religiously (I THINK) for 2 weeks. Only been to 1 therapy session and it's seeming to help but he clearly needs much more. Am I being completely naive to think after he kind of gets his head on straight, so to speak, he will be able to come back home and work on US once his mental state is better? I have given him no time limits, no "rules"; he just knows I clearly love and miss him. When I get to asking him what he ultimately wants, he says "I don't know babe". So clearly, he isn't thinking clearly. Anyone been in a situation like this or have any words of wisdom to offer me? Thanks for reading this all.

[healingme4me]

Sounds like he's put you, in a bind. Hard to say, once he sorts through what he wants how the outcome will be.
Would only be naive, to not prepare yourself to support yourself independently, to the best of your ability.
If this were to continue further, there could, potentially be an underlying lack of trust, due to fear. Fear that, he'd repeat this behavior of running back home.


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[Lexi232]

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[hvert]

I guess whether he is thinking clearly or not, you kind of have to go by what he says. I wonder if he could be pushing you away now that he has this diagnosis. I would try to have another serious conversation about the future, where you two decide what the next steps are, what the possibilities are.

When you said that you were hoping he could come home and 'work on US,' did you mean that you guys have issues you are working on outside of this?

[Perna]

Originally Posted by helplovesupport

The emotions are SO back and forth

Almost a definition of bipolar? I do not think it unrealistic to think he will get stabilized and learn a bit more about himself and his illness as he lives with his parents and maybe you two will get back together. If he is sometimes hinting that he doesn't know when though, it might be better for your own mental health if you find a smaller place you can afford so you can save some, etc. and not exactly "get on" with your life but put yourself in waiting mode for as long as you decide is reasonable for you and then you all can get together or not. I don't know that he was telling you things were ending so much as perhaps sharing his feeling that his life IS uncertain at the moment and he doesn't want to be an inconvenience to you.

It can feel like pressure if another person is just hanging around waiting, keeping everything the same (it will not go back the way it was, both of you will have to move forward together, if you do, in light of this illness, it's not like a regular illness where he gets "better" and you move along as if nothing happened, this illness is there for life). But with mail and his stuff at the place, etc., he might have in the back of his head, "I must hurry up, she's waiting!" and that is not very relaxing and conducive to concentrating on one's self and getting well?

[unicornlady]

I've been on the other side of this. When I went through this experience, I was overwhelmed, needed as much support as possible, and couldn't articulate my thoughts clearly. Sometimes I would say something, and people would get the complete wrong idea from it, which confused me. Then when I spoke to them later, they told me the exact words I said, and it was very different from what I meant.

It's entirely possible that he really wants your support, and he's bringing up moving into a new, smaller apartment because he's worried about you, and he doesn't want you to be under financial pressure as a result of him.

What my then-boyfriend did to deal with me acting so strangely was to call me every night. If I didn't want to talk, he would talk. And when I told him to stop calling, he sent me letters - if not every day, then every other day or every two days. They weren't about anything consequential, but that way I knew he was there for me.

Obviously you've been in a serious and successful relationship with this person for a long time. If his experience is anything like what mine was, he's really overwhelmed right now, and dealing with a lot of new struggles. The best thing you can do is call, visit, be there for him, and if he's experiencing doubt about the relationship, try to stick it out - it sounds like you guys are great for each other. My then-boyfriend has dealt with several of my mini-freakouts and relationship doubts, and now we're engaged, and living together for a couple of years now. Each time a lot of it was due to my mood state. Once I got out of my depressed space, I couldn't understand why I ever tried to push him away - and it meant even more that he still let me know he was there, every day, in whatever way he could.