Spark is gone

Me: 18 year old girl with PTSD, Borderline personality disorder, seasonal depression. Is an artist, poet, abstract thinker, college student, full time seasonal job.
Him: 20 year old man with seasonal depression. Is a musician, kinda abstract thinker, part time job.

We've been together for just over a year now. With a one month break from early September to October.
I just don't feel the same anymore
I feel stuck with him almost
It'd kill him if I left him and I think it'd kill me too, but I don't even know anymore.
We live 98 miles apart and I typically see him every weekend. But when I'm not with him I forget he exists and I just feel numb toward him (and everything else right now) but he was the one thing I NEVER felt numb toward before. Help?Advice? Anything to help me save this?

Apathy is hard to live with. I have had this problem many times, where I just turn off on someone. My counselor said I was scared and avoiding intimacy but I'm not sure if that is it. After a while, I just start to lose interest. It's actually happened to me many times, so I know there is a pattern but I don't really know what it is. I'm 62 so I've had a lot of experience.

But in staying in the relationship you are not really being fair to him or yourself. You might want to consider letting go. Just my opinion so don't take it too seriously.

Relationships are a two-way road and they take effort.

It's funny how people know that you can't have a fire unless you first make a spark. But when they lose the fire in their relationship, they blame it to just being gone. If people want to keep the fire in their relationship, they have to kindle it, keep it going and if it dies down, they have to work to get that spark to start it again.

In your case, you are 18 and still have a lot of learning to do, but if you want to work on the relationship, you need to start generating that spark, not waiting for it. It does sound like it's done in which case you should meet in person and break up.

But again, sparks don't just happen. They come from effort.

When a person feels numb toward everything else, she is not in a good position to make life-altering decisions. She also probably needs to be in treatment. I do not think that you have a good treatment team, because you state that you have BPD and yet you are only 18. PD's are not dx'd prior to age 18, so right now your treatment providers should be considering BPD with some degree of doubt.

Numbness can be from PTSD as well, and from seasonal depression during short days, and from BPD, and many other things.

I would recommend that you take therapy and diagnosis seriously and ride it out with the guy, not making any knee jerk movements, not because leaving him now would kill him or you or both, but simply because your decision-making capacity is now seriously impaired. If you are OK with him when you see him but forget about him when you don't, it not the end of the world. That you feel numb all over is much more worrisome.

PS it is puzzling that you call yourself an abstract thinker yet your post lists concrete details at the level of precision that most people would not try to achieve (98 miles and not 100 miles, early sept...)

That unusual level of precision might explain why you do not feel spark anywhere lately - you are currently being too cerebral and not experiential enough. This is your issue, and the guy is just one concrete example of that issue but he does not seem to be contributing to it.

As long as you expect to always feel taht fire for your partner that you had early on, the chance of long term relationships is diminished. Fact is that feelings for someone else whether a friend or a lover, will ebb and flow, sometimes for some people in extreme levels. Love is what continues in spite of feelings for someone. If you feel like you dont' even like them at any particular time, you still can love them and when people can understand this they are more apt to have lasting relationships. Those that can endure the apathetic phases that inevitably come have the strongest relationships. Also - on a good note, if someone does endure, typically the feelings will flow again after a time.

Keep that in mind.

Im sorry you're dealing with that- have you tried couples counseling? Or how about the book the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman? I think it's a great read- about how people view, express and receive love in 5 different main ways.