I just need to write this out

Hi everyone,

I just need to talk to someone about this and tell them what happened. I'm not sure I can fully articulate this, the things that damage me most are not fully articulable. (that's not even a word, but I don't care)

I met this woman in college in my psychology class. We became best friends. She had Major Depressive Disorder. For once, I felt like someone listened to me and cared about me, but there was always this sense of feeling ignored by her.

I finally felt not alone in my sadness and my loneliness went away. I fell in love with her. It was great, but she never really seemed to care about me as much as I cared about her.

She was always telling me I needed to make more friends, and she was probably right, but it always ended up making me feel like she just wanted me to go away. It always hurt my feelings.

I did a lot for her, and cared so much. Only, in the end for her to shut me out for 2 months, without explanation, and then declare to me that I knew why she shut me out. I had no idea why.

She had been going through a very rough time in her life when she shut me out so I tried my best to be understanding.

Whenever I would see her she'd be mean to me, or ignore me. and, it got to the point where I just didn't want to deal with it anymore so I told her goodbye, and cut off the friendship.

The last time I saw her she was too consumed with looking at her computer to pay attention to me, and when I asked her to pay attention…she exploded in rage at me, and said I was guilting her/being manipulative. I hadn't seen or spoken to her in weeks.

I was tired of being and feeling like nothing to her when I would give and give of myself. And I was tired of trying to be understanding of her situation and how she felt.

I can't get it out of my head though…how she referred to me as a burden, as worthless…how she just completely turned herself off and acted like I wasn't there in the room with her, how she was mean to me when I was nothing but nice to her back, all the memories, all the things i gave...

It just kills me.

It's really hurtful when someone you care about treats you the way she did. It sounds like you are grieving the loss of a relationship. It'll take a while for you to get over it and I suggest that, while you are trying to heal, if you see her anywhere you just turn and walk the other way.

Yeah it was really...extremely...hurtful. I couldn't deal with it anymore after months of the behavior.

The interpretation feels incorrect to you, but even so the suggestion of counseling makes sense to me.

You did well to put an end to the situation that was bringing you suffering. That's good! However, it took months to come to that action. Perhaps counseling can help you get through your grief and also give you tools that might help you handle situations in the future without so much suffering.

Yeah, I'm getting counseling soon for various reasons. I'm sure I could talk with my psychologist about this.