[Storm57]

I met a guy online that stated his age is 2 years younger than his real age. We have been dating for almost 6 months and have celebrated his birthday which he still claimed to be 2 years younger. He also corrected his daughter when she stated his age. Which made me suspicious so turned over his ID at his condo to find his real age. Its not the age but the lying that is bothering me. How do I confront him without admitting that I snooped?

[jelly-bean]

I would just tell him I saw his ID and his real age and ask him why he is lying about it. If he lies about that he might be lying about other things so be careful.

[hamster-bamster]

You did not snoop. Snooping would be accessing a partner's password protected area with the goal of exploratory learning.

You did not do that.

You encountered what appears to be irrational pathological lying.

You witnessed how the man corrected his own child on his age.

That after that you turned over the ID - but who would NOT?

Either that, or you can say that you accidentally noticed the idea on the coffee table. I doubt that he always puts it face down.

Since this is so irrational, I would not confront him in person. Either you decide that this is too weird and break up sans cause (dating "at will"), or, you send him an email or text and NOT meet with him until he explains this to your satisfaction.

This is because the conduct has been so weird that one basically does not know what to expect so it is better to be on the safe side.

Note that I can see how a guy would reduce his age on an online dating site, and would never fault him for it.

If a 51 year old does not want to be in the bracket [50-59], but wants to be in the bracket [40-49] and states that he is 49, I see no harm in that - the man in this example simply wants a level playing field and a workaround the dating sites' system of age brackets - a system that is unfair.

But, at least on the 3rd date if not earlier, you explain it to your date.

Can you see any other rational explanation for a man to state his age at 2 years younger than real?

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Storm57

I met a guy online that stated his age is 2 years younger than his real age. We have been dating for almost 6 months and have celebrated his birthday which he still claimed to be 2 years younger. He also corrected his daughter when she stated his age. Which made me suspicious so turned over his ID at his condo to find his real age. Its not the age but the lying that is bothering me. How do I confront him without admitting that I snooped?

A completely different approach is not to say anything at all. Do a professional background check first. You might learn such things about him that you would not feel safe to confront him, nor would feel inclined to continue with him at all. Money well spent? I have never done background checks, but I have seen them mentioned and recommended on this forum at least weekly if not more frequently. You can probably search (advanced search) for this forum only for posts containing "background check" in the body and see what people have had to say about them.

That sounds really strange if you are dating him 6 month and he can't even tell you the truth about his age ?

Do a back ground check on him and see what else he is hiding , something just isn't right .

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Storm57

I met a guy online that stated his age is 2 years younger than his real age. We have been dating for almost 6 months and have celebrated his birthday which he still claimed to be 2 years younger. He also corrected his daughter when she stated his age. Which made me suspicious so turned over his ID at his condo to find his real age. Its not the age but the lying that is bothering me. How do I confront him without admitting that I snooped?

I would just ask. it makes no sense whatsoever. wtf is 2 yrs anyway? How does anyone gain anything by claiming to be a "whopping" 2 yrs younger? I don't understand anyone lying about their age in any case but for 2 yrs difference it makes even less sense.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

I would just ask. it makes no sense whatsoever. wtf is 2 yrs anyway? How does anyone gain anything by claiming to be a "whopping" 2 yrs younger? I don't understand anyone lying about their age in any case but for 2 yrs difference it makes even less sense.

2 yrs lying actually is perfectly understandable in the context of dating sites, much more so than 10 age lying, because their function is discrete - it is not continuous 30 years, 31 years, 32 years, ... 97 years, but discrete. It is a bit like US taxes - the function is not continuous from bracket to bracket. Within a bracket it is but from one to another it is not. I do not know how the algorithm works, plus, I know that it is proprietary to each site so the matching function may differ from site to site, and possibly within a bracket there is continuity - say if you are 40 and you say that you are interested in women ages 30 to 45, maybe women 38-42 would be likelier matches than women from 30 to 32 and from 43 to 45 - no idea, but just the way the user interface is designed, there are brackets so what do you do? If you are 40 and the lower bracket is [30-39], I do not see why you would not put 39. But then you laugh at yourself in the presence of a date after a glass of wine and tell her all of the above. Most everybody would understand this reasoning if it were presented honestly, straightforwardly, and with a touch of self-deprecation.

Brackets are everywhere - in qualifying for benefits, food stamps, reduced or free school lunches, sliding scale clinics - but if somebody lies on an application for benefits to get preferential treatment, he is deceiving taxpayers, which is not fair to them. If somebody deceives a matching algorithm on a dating site, taxpayers do not have to pick up his slack, so I do not see why this would be such a transgression. If a man ADDED to his age to qualify for Social Security (if it were possible), that would be a true transgression. A crime, basically - willful and intentional gaming of the system. But a dating site is not the Social Security Administration...

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

2 yrs lying actually is perfectly understandable in the context of dating sites, much more so than 10 age lying, because their function is discrete - it is not continuous 30 years, 31 years, 32 years, ... 97 years, but discrete. It is a bit like US taxes - the function is not continuous from bracket to bracket. Within a bracket it is but from one to another it is not. I do not know how the algorithm works, plus, I know that it is proprietary to each site so the matching function may differ from site to site, and possibly within a bracket there is continuity - say if you are 40 and you say that you are interested in women ages 30 to 45, maybe women 38-42 would be likelier matches than women from 30 to 32 and from 43 to 45 - no idea, but just the way the user interface is designed, there are brackets so what do you do? If you are 40 and the lower bracket is [30-39], I do not see why you would not put 39. But then you laugh at yourself in the presence of a date after a glass of wine and tell her all of the above. Most everybody would understand this reasoning if it were presented honestly, straightforwardly, and with a touch of self-deprecation.

Brackets are everywhere - in qualifying for benefits, food stamps, reduced or free school lunches, sliding scale clinics - but if somebody lies on an application for benefits to get preferential treatment, he is deceiving taxpayers, which is not fair to them. If somebody deceives a matching algorithm on a dating site, taxpayers do not have to pick up his slack, so I do not see why this would be such a transgression. If a man ADDED to his age to qualify for Social Security (if it were possible), that would be a true transgression. A crime, basically - willful and intentional gaming of the system. But a dating site is not the Social Security Administration...

I get your point but... bottom line is, why date or look for someone to date based on being fraudulent about something? the whole lying bout your age thing is a big WTF for me anyway. I wouldn't care what age the woman was that I dated but if she lied about it, I would be concerned not for the age or how many years even, but the fact that she deceived me. rationalize all the other details all you want, but I'm still left scratching my head about this.

[Perna]

Some people are very sensitive about their age. I remember I tried to plan an out-of-state party for my father-in-law's birthday and he said, "No way!" and the reason he gave was he didn't want his lady friends to know how old he was (he was going to be 80 and his lady friends were in their 50's). He use to have his grandsons when they visited call him "uncle".

I myself would not be thinking of the lying but more curious about what he thought 2 years was going to do for him? I think the attempt to "hide" something from himself is worse than the lie in this instance. Is the difference in your all's age very great? If you are a lot younger, I'd say he has a pride issue or is afraid you will be horrified or something about his actual age. Sounds like insecurity on his part, not deceit. I would almost rather have the deceit as that would be straight-forward; insecurity/self-esteem issues can be harder to deal with since they are 100% from him with no "reason" outside, nothing tangible to gain like lying has. You can't make another person like you (except maybe a very shallow one that cares about age like the liar does).

[tallulahxoxo]

Red flag red flag red flag red flag
Be careful who you let yourself get attached to!

[gayleggg]

Yes, it's definitely a red flag. My daughter was dating a guy that lied about his age two different times until she found his driver's license. She started looking into things and found he had been lying about being in school, too. He even had her drive him to school on days his car was broke down. She found he had never enrolled in school.

I would be very concerned if someone lied about something so simple as their age, when dating someone. Age isn't the important thing the lying is.

[tony fudo]

Mmmm. Personally, I hate being judged on my age. It's as if a number is so important, and people think they can categorise you on this basis. If people ask me how old I am, I say how old do you think, and when they reply, I say 'exactly right'! This does not make me an axe murderer!

[hvert]

The lying is bizarre and would be a deal breaker for me.

Funny story, though - when I first met my boyfriend, the birthday on his license was different from what he told me. It really was a typo. I asked his mother and he got it corrected