[Yismymindblank12]

I find that I found out all the people who really didn't want me in their life, but had me included I guess I was too naive for all this time and they took advantage instead of telling me they don't want me around. They don't want to be the benefactor and come off as mean, but they already were. All these people I thought I was close with, never were close to me. All these relationships I have all didn't matter, these friendships weren't friendships. I didn't ever understood it.

Friends or what even a friend is, I figured being used to being used around or not being used enough defined it not how I perceived it but how I was actually living it. I was always being used, they always thought me I couldn't be happy all the time despite what I can offer feeling like, I'm not happy addicted or positive I'm not a good friend. I'm just selfish and negative, but the whole time I was confused what's going on.

I just let it all go, I don't need any of them. I don't need any of these people here in Cincinnati, because when I was in cali. I experienced what it's like to feel like you belong and everything else just sucks. After that, I only want to delete everyone, no one could point that out to me I could only experience it first hand before making an action.

Everyone wanted to change me, wanted, needed something from me. I didn't trust anyone and still can't because I don't feel like I want to be around them only if they want something from me.

It makes sense why I cry and break down so hard when someone is super nice to me or want to be my "friend", because at this point. I don't want any new friends. Not that I'm not nice or mean or hate anyone, I can't distinguish between people who want to be my friend and people who say they my "friend" and aren't to begin with. I never could, I figured the people who stayed or actually understood or when they didn't admitted they did. Those people I did trust more, but it's so hard to tell anymore. All my friendships are so temporary. My life friends and closest bonds are distant, because they move on and go far away. I'm left with a feeling of emptiness because I want to feel like I can just out and be me with someone and not alone, but I'm so used to doing it alone. I don't need anyone here.

I did find a girl as in good news whose caring, but I don't know until we hang out. Then again her leash is short like everyone else's I can't give anyone many chances they're lucky enough to get any. A lot of people tend to disappoint me, all I want is to trust someone not feel like they want something. If I dated someone, I'm not paying the check on the first date. They have to earn it. They have to pay for themselves, like my friends as people who are self sustaining. I like my dates self sustaining.

I can do chivalry if I want to, that doesn't require money or just being mindful of the other person, which I don't limit it to women. I do it for guys too.

I find it sad, I want to feel that I am validated, but I choose to be happy anyways and my feelings aren't validated even if I'm wrong.

Is it ok to want to feel validated, not put expectation or feel entitled to it, but at least want it.

I like this girl, because she seems she wants to be around me. It's very sweet of her and I like her because of that. I don't be chivalrous for anyone who doesn't come off to me as that. I make it like a social cue, like they should get I don't want to hand out anything until they put effort. It doesn't matter what kind of effort, as long as they put effort and I'm not feeling like I'm getting screwed over I don't mind it. I won't slam a door in someone's face in the other extreme, but it's just I figure people I value respect of myself and others more than a silly date social norms and same with my friends.

[jelly-bean]

It's too bad that the friendships you thought you had in Cincinnati turned out to be false. I can understand why you are having a hard time trusting anyone right now. I hope that with time you will find some real friends and regain the trust you have lost.

[Yismymindblank12]

yeah it's not like it's people I knew for even a year or less. It's people I've known for a good chunk of my life for now, like 6 7 years for many, but I'm not as surprised as I should be. People here are judge first understand later and be very harsh if you are different.