My husband and I have been married for 20 years, but sometimes he treats me like he barely knows me- Apparently I have very little experience with men. The little experience that I do have has been mostly negative ones- Well, the other day I had sex with him after months of not having any sex with him. I didn't really want to do it, I just did it as a favor to him for being a good husband lately.

Anyways, he has never been very expressive with me most of the time. He used to call me sexy and pretty when I was younger and thinner, but I"m in my early 40's now and heavy at a size 14- I look like I'm 30 though. Well, I asked him what attracted him to me since I needed to feel an emotional connection to him. I also wanted an ego boost and to feel like he still finds me attractive even though I no longer look as thin or as pretty as I used to.

What he did next was insulting and infuriating. He STRUGGLED to answer all of my questions after I asked him again what are my best traits. I even told him that it doesn't have to be physical! He acted like what I was asking was completely absurd, but he finally came up with this answer:

That I have nice skin. WTH???? Ugh! Are most men like this and this stupid, cold, and unemotional? He was like a robot! You'd think that after 20 years, he'd have a better answer for me than that! No wonder why I HATE having sex with him at times! He is awful in bed, and I have to do ALL of the work! Sorry, but that's true! I never even liked sex that much! I've never heard of any complaints from him though aside from not getting as much as he'd like of course!

I'd love to hear answers from BOTH men and women! Especially married men or those who have been in long term relationships as no one knows quite how a guy thinks like another guy! He's so lucky that I can just let this go although it's still very frustrating to me.

He NEVER tells me that I look nice, ever! Sometimes he'll notice my hair when I get it done, but he'll just say, did you get your hair done? And then not much else.

Is there something wrong with him, or are just men like that? Unemotional and robotic? He has no mental issues that I'm aware of. He's a lot more open with his family and friends, but not me! Why's that?

[Vossie42]

Ugh! What a rough time of it!

I don't think it's unusual for men to not be expressive. It is odd that your husband struggled to answer your questions. He may have felt like he was put on the spot and was afraid of giving the wrong answer in stead of just speaking from his heart.

The comment about your skin is not unusual in my experience. Men tend to value skin that is soft and clear. I don't think size 14 is all that big. A lot of men like women with "meat on their bones." Skinny women may look better in clothes to them but they don't like how skinny women feel in bed. Again, just my experience.

Is for the terrible sex, I feel your pain. I had never had a bad partner in bed until my last boyfriend. It was like being humped by a dog. I tried to teach him, but he refused to do things the way that made me feel good. And he wondered why I wouldn't do things he wanted! He also had a habit of grabbing my crotch while other people were around. This was especially embarrassing when done in front of my mom. He never backed off from that. Needless to say, I broke up with him pretty quickly.

[ChipperMonkey]

Maybe you should follow the advice in your own signature? It sounds like you've been settling for crumbs throughout the entire relationship.

[dedicated]

There are men who can't balance job and family activities and thoughts. Some men feel satisfied having simple married life by just providing for the family's material needs while exerting more effort to be efficient at work. Sometimes they even bring home thoughts from work which make them look like robot at home.

Guessing is not any better than having an open minded conversation. Try to find interesting topic for him to talk about, something that makes him smile then transition to a point where you bring back your pre marital memories specially the ones that made you happy and got more attracted by him. Try to mention all memories that you saw him laugh. Then encourage him to discuss the current situation. Check out this link, it would be nice if you print and place it where he can see it: 6 Obstacles to Building a Healthy Marriage | Psych Central.

Wish you the best.

[hvert]

The nice skin sounds weird, but I've heard that before too -- and I have crappy skin! I do think a lot of men are like your husband - and women too, in a way -- do you compliment your husband on how nice he looks? The last time my boyfriend got his hair cut, I noticed... a day late

I also sometimes feel like my boyfriend could be more affectionate or demonstrative, but I don't really know what to do about it. I think that he is just the way he is.

[lilypup]

My husband does mention my soft skin a lot. But he mentions other things too. And I am bigger than a 14.
This sounds like typical poor communication after being married a long while. I think most of us have it. It takes work to keep things alive and sometimes it is just too much of an effort.
If he is worth it, you can do it! HUGS!

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

I wonder if he was somewhat resentful of being 'rewarded' with sex (that he is undoubtedly fully aware that you did not want) for being 'a good husband lately'. Some might call that a little patronising.

It may well be that in a hurt and resentful mood he struggled to find, on an unexpected instance, positive things to say about you and in flailing wildly could only come up with that skin comment in what we know was a forlorn hope of averting the awful anger that would soon be visited on him.

We men may look and act like insensitive gorillas at times but inside we are achingly weak, timid, insecure, ready for fight or flight, oppressed by responsibility, and need reassurance and understanding. My wife provides me with none of these things despite her clear obligation in our prenup. Unhappily prenups have no legal force here and she appears to be a stranger to moral force.

Originally Posted by Vossie42

Ugh! What a rough time of it!

I don't think it's unusual for men to not be expressive. It is odd that your husband struggled to answer your questions. He may have felt like he was put on the spot and was afraid of giving the wrong answer in stead of just speaking from his heart.

The comment about your skin is not unusual in my experience. Men tend to value skin that is soft and clear. I don't think size 14 is all that big. A lot of men like women with "meat on their bones." Skinny women may look better in clothes to them but they don't like how skinny women feel in bed. Again, just my experience.

Is for the terrible sex, I feel your pain. I had never had a bad partner in bed until my last boyfriend. It was like being humped by a dog. I tried to teach him, but he refused to do things the way that made me feel good. And he wondered why I wouldn't do things he wanted! He also had a habit of grabbing my crotch while other people were around. This was especially embarrassing when done in front of my mom. He never backed off from that. Needless to say, I broke up with him pretty quickly.

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Maybe you're right about that, him being afraid of giving the wrong answer. He has never been that good with showing much in the way of emotions most of the time.

Sorry to hear about your ex. OMG, he'd actually grab your crotch in public! lol! I'm sorry, but that is kind of funny! You were wise to break up with him quickly-

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

Maybe you should follow the advice in your own signature? It sounds like you've been settling for crumbs throughout the entire relationship.

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I hate to say this, but that's sort of true. This isn't a deal breaker though. I just needed some answers.

Originally Posted by dedicated

There are men who can't balance job and family activities and thoughts. Some men feel satisfied having simple married life by just providing for the family's material needs while exerting more effort to be efficient at work. Sometimes they even bring home thoughts from work which make them look like robot at home.

Guessing is not any better than having an open minded conversation. Try to find interesting topic for him to talk about, something that makes him smile then transition to a point where you bring back your pre marital memories specially the ones that made you happy and got more attracted by him. Try to mention all memories that you saw him laugh. Then encourage him to discuss the current situation. Check out this link, it would be nice if you print and place it where he can see it: 6 Obstacles to Building a Healthy Marriage | Psych Central.

Wish you the best.

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He is a workaholic who works 6 days a week. He owns his own business, so that could be it. Also, he has never been that expressive or emotional most of the time. He's usually stoic, so it could be that expressing emotions tend to be unnatural and uncomfortable for him.

Still, you'd think that after 20 years, he could think of something else to say. I don't think that I'm expecting to much of him. I know what things he likes to talk about, but those things tend to be about things that are somewhat impersonal in nature such as politics, cars, tractors, planes, and stuff like that. When it comes to more personal things though, his usual response is OK for most things when I ask him how work was for example. So, I guess that I'll just have to live with him being this way. Thanks for the link.

Originally Posted by hvert

The nice skin sounds weird, but I've heard that before too -- and I have crappy skin! I do think a lot of men are like your husband - and women too, in a way -- do you compliment your husband on how nice he looks? The last time my boyfriend got his hair cut, I noticed... a day late

I also sometimes feel like my boyfriend could be more affectionate or demonstrative, but I don't really know what to do about it. I think that he is just the way he is.

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Yeah, I know, but at least it was something. Maybe your skin isn't as bad as you think it is if you're getting compliments from men too? From what I read on here so far and from what my friends told me, some men just aren't that expressive.

I have told him that he looks good once in awhile. He jokes around with me and sometimes asks me if I noticed his new buzz cut at times. He's had the same hairstyle for years. He doesn't really care that much about the way that he looks, so I compliment him more often on being reliable, and I usually thank him for doing the dishes or helping out with other housework, being smart, etc...


Sorry to hear about your b.f. Maybe that's just the way his personality is too, stoic and quiet most of the time.

[ChipperMonkey]

I think you need to read up on the five love languages. Are you familiar with the concept? In a nutshell, there are 5 ways we best express and conversely feel loved. They are 1) words of affection, ie being told/saying "I love you", "you are beautiful", etc. 2) physical affection, ie kissing, hugging, cuddling, sex. 3) spending time with the person 4) acts of service, ie doing things for the other person. and 5) buying/receiving gifts.

You may express love in one way, but feel the most love in another. I love to buy little things for people so it is a big way I express that I care for someone, but I'm not big on receiving gifts. Time is the most important way I feel loved.

Maybe your husband doesn't best express his love in words? It sounds like he expresses his love for you in acts of service as he works hard to provide for his family.

I think its best to find your love language, for him to find his love language, and for you two to talk about it. Even if he doesn't feel comfortable expressing his love through words, perhaps he could try harder to be more expressive knowing that's how you feel loved? And conversely, if there are ways he feels loved best, you can work on showing him love in those ways.

The love language concept can work with any relationship. I know some parents even use it with their kids.

Originally Posted by lilypup

My husband does mention my soft skin a lot. But he mentions other things too. And I am bigger than a 14.
This sounds like typical poor communication after being married a long while. I think most of us have it. It takes work to keep things alive and sometimes it is just too much of an effort.
If he is worth it, you can do it! HUGS!

---------------------------------------------------------------
That's nice that your husband mentions other things as well. I know that communication is a problem sometimes in our marriage. I'm as direct as I can be with him, but it gets to be so frustrating at times when I feel like he's tuning me out and not even listening to me most of the time. I'll have to repeat myself after he asks me the same question at times.

I know that he's not hard of hearing. It does hurt to be ignored and treated like I don't matter at times though. He was never that emotional to begin with, so I guess that his response wasn't to shocking. Yes, it does take work to make any relationship work. I don't think that I'm expecting to much from him though. He is good in other ways I'll admit such as being reliable most of the time, a hard worker, and more, so I guess I should be fortunate for that.

Originally Posted by ManOfConstantSorrow

I wonder if he was somewhat resentful of being 'rewarded' with sex (that he is undoubtedly fully aware that you did not want) for being 'a good husband lately'. Some might call that a little patronising.

It may well be that in a hurt and resentful mood he struggled to find, on an unexpected instance, positive things to say about you and in flailing wildly could only come up with that skin comment in what we know was a forlorn hope of averting the awful anger that would soon be visited on him.

We men may look and act like insensitive gorillas at times but inside we are achingly weak, timid, insecure, ready for fight or flight, oppressed by responsibility, and need reassurance and understanding. My wife provides me with none of these things despite her clear obligation in our prenup. Unhappily prenups have no legal force here and she appears to be a stranger to moral force.

----------------------------------------------------------------
Thanks for being so honest. He didn't seem that resentful to me at the time, just annoyed more than anything. I don't think that I was expecting to much from him at all! You'd think that after 20 years that he could find something good to say about me! It's not a dealbreaker though as he has other good qualities such as being reliable most of the time.

Perhaps us men and women just have different needs? I don't know. Maybe me need more physical affection and women just need more of an emotional connection and non-physical affection from men?

Anyways, I have been doing research on why most men are so unemotional and cold on the outside and you're right about what you said. Most men have been conditioned to suppress their feelings at a very young age. But that's a whole different topic.

Sorry to hear about your wife. Perhaps you should tell her how you feel and work out your differences. I find that direct communication is always best even though it doesn't always seem like it at the time. Do you show her reassurance and understanding too? If not, then it's not fair to expect the same in return. Just saying. Good luck with everything.

[BobbyDavis]

I haven't been married as long as you but if my Wife asked me what were some things I liked about her I could name over a dozen and nice skin would definitely not be one of them.

I don't want to tell you how you should live your life but it sounds like your husband and you have some serious relationship issues going on and maybe you could benefit from going to a marriage counselor. My Wife and I are best friends and we don't hide anything from each other and when I have something important to discuss no matter how big or small she is the one I discuss it with first because I trust her. Maybe I am just more open with my emotions because I am a songwriter but if two people are both not willing to be open with each other their relationship is doomed to fail. I wish you good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

Originally Posted by Shy Introvert

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Thanks for being so honest. He didn't seem that resentful to me at the time, just ...n. Just saying. Good luck with everything.

Many thanks for your kind words, much appreciated. You have been married a lot longer than me so I value your remarks.

Originally Posted by BobbyDavis

I haven't been married as long as you but if my Wife asked me what were some things I liked about her I could name over a dozen and nice skin would definitely not be one of them.

I don't want to tell you how you should live your life but it sounds like your husband and you have some serious relationship issues going on and maybe you could benefit from going to a marriage counselor. My Wife and I are best friends and we don't hide anything from each other and when I have something important to discuss no matter how big or small she is the one I discuss it with first because I trust her. Maybe I am just more open with my emotions because I am a songwriter but if two people are both not willing to be open with each other their relationship is doomed to fail. I wish you good luck with whatever you decide to do.

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Your wife is lucky that you can come up with better and more flattering compliments than that one remark from my husband! Thanks for your reply. We do have some issues, but our issues aren't quite as bad as they once were. That's great that you and your wife are best friends! It sounds like you have the ideal relationship! I think that you might be right about being more open due to being a songwriter. You're more in touch with your emotions.

My husband is a former solider in the military and he is much more stoic and unemotional most of the time. It's just the way that he is, so nothing can change that- Sometimes it IS a good thing, but sometimes it can be frustrating as hell to live with someone like this! Especially for a emotional and sensitive person like me!

I try to be as open as I can with him. I'm usually pretty direct with him, and when I ask him about something, he can be direct with me too. He's just not that expressive and overly secretive about certain things at times like finances, ugh! I read a lot of books about relationships to try to help us both. He would never agree to go to counseling as he thinks he's fine the way he is. Although our marriage isn't ideal, it's not that bad anymore. I can live with this as his good qualities outweigh the bad ones most of the time.

Originally Posted by ManOfConstantSorrow

Many thanks for your kind words, much appreciated. You have been married a lot longer than me so I value your remarks.

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Thanks! Marriage isn't easy at all! It does take a lot of compromise, patience, willingness to listen, etc...

[BobbyDavis]

Thank you. I wouldn’t say we have the ‘ideal relationship’ because I don’t think that exists and I think every great relationship is unique in its own special way but our relationship is ‘ideal’ for me because as someone with ADHD, Asperger’s and OCD Hailey (my Wife) doesn’t just accept my disabilities, she understands them and loves me regardless of them. I grew up with an abusive Father that constantly put me down for having disabilities and called me a ****up and it played with my head and made me hate myself for a long time. My Sister and my old girlfriend/best friend were two of the only people I felt like I could trust when I was young because a number of people that were supposedly my friends didn’t want anything to do with me after they found out about them and it made me feel like a freak.

My Wife was the first person to treat me like a human being after I told her about my disabilities and it didn’t make her look at me any differently. Her eldest (my step daughter) has Autism and after she was diagnosed with it my Wife dedicated a lot of time to researching Autism and other disabilities on the spectrum and she currently runs a support group for parents with children with disabilities which has been very successful this year. I know from reading about other women that are married to guys with disabilities it can be a challenge and I have a chemical imbalance on top of it but my Wife is very caring, understanding and supportive and she is my biggest fan when it comes to music. My Wife has Endometriosis and some other rare diseases and she often suffers from chronic pain and some days I feel useless because I can’t really do anything to help her but she says it is the little things I do that mean the most.

I hope you and your husband can sort everything out and I am glad to hear that your marriage hasn’t been as bad as it was when you created this thread. I can only imagine it must have been difficult for you being married to him at times back when he was a soldier in the military because he would have been gone quite a lot and you would have been worried about him. My Great Uncle was a soldier too and we were close and he lost both his legs in World War II and the stories he told me about the war were very graphic and horrible. He struggled to talk to other people about his emotions too and that made it hard for my Great Auntie at times because he would shut down whenever they were having serious conversations and wouldn’t let her in. I remember her telling me him going to war when he was young turned him into a different and he was more affectionate, warm and open before that but she still loved him.

Is it possible your husband is like this and has been affected by some of the things he has seen in the past?

[oceansoftime]

My partner who is 45 acts like an entitled, narasstic 14 yr old. Not once in 18 yrs has he gone out of his way to make me happy or feel loved. No compliments or I love yous. Just today I told him that I wished for a Pandora bracelet. I asked him if he knew whether I would prefer gold or silver. He couldn't answer me. I have not once worn anything gold. I only wear silver. I struggle with my hate and resentment for him everyday.

Originally Posted by BobbyDavis

Thank you. I wouldn’t say we have the ‘ideal relationship’ because I don’t think that exists and I think every great relationship is unique in its own special way but our relationship is ‘ideal’ for me because as someone with ADHD, Asperger’s and OCD Hailey (my Wife) doesn’t just accept my disabilities, she understands them and loves me regardless of them. I grew up with an abusive Father that constantly put me down for having disabilities and called me a ****up and it played with my head and made me hate myself for a long time. My Sister and my old girlfriend/best friend were two of the only people I felt like I could trust when I was young because a number of people that were supposedly my friends didn’t want anything to do with me after they found out about them and it made me feel like a freak.

My Wife was the first person to treat me like a human being after I told her about my disabilities and it didn’t make her look at me any differently. Her eldest (my step daughter) has Autism and after she was diagnosed with it my Wife dedicated a lot of time to researching Autism and other disabilities on the spectrum and she currently runs a support group for parents with children with disabilities which has been very successful this year. I know from reading about other women that are married to guys with disabilities it can be a challenge and I have a chemical imbalance on top of it but my Wife is very caring, understanding and supportive and she is my biggest fan when it comes to music. My Wife has Endometriosis and some other rare diseases and she often suffers from chronic pain and some days I feel useless because I can’t really do anything to help her but she says it is the little things I do that mean the most.

I hope you and your husband can sort everything out and I am glad to hear that your marriage hasn’t been as bad as it was when you created this thread. I can only imagine it must have been difficult for you being married to him at times back when he was a soldier in the military because he would have been gone quite a lot and you would have been worried about him. My Great Uncle was a soldier too and we were close and he lost both his legs in World War II and the stories he told me about the war were very graphic and horrible. He struggled to talk to other people about his emotions too and that made it hard for my Great Auntie at times because he would shut down whenever they were having serious conversations and wouldn’t let her in. I remember her telling me him going to war when he was young turned him into a different and he was more affectionate, warm and open before that but she still loved him.

Is it possible your husband is like this and has been affected by some of the things he has seen in the past?

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Sorry to hear about the way that you were treated growing up- I have been through a lot of similar situations in the past too. I was abused mentally, emtoionally, and sometimes physically with hitting by my parents, sister, and some of my peers. I was bullied growing up, and was bullied as an adult until recently. So all that really does mess with your head and self esteem!

You and your wife are so lucky to have each other! She sounds wonderful, and so do you! You're g.f and best friend are awesome too! Not that many people would actually go out of their way to help and actually research these issues in order to understand them A lot of people tend to shun people who are different-

As for my husband, I met him after he completed his military duty. When I met him, he was working at this company in N.Y as a truck driver at the time. He was never that much of a talker or good at communicating his feelings. He didn't even say hi to me on our first double date! So maybe this is just how he is-

Sorry to hear bout your uncle. I'm sure that both my uncle and my husband have been affected by their time in the army in some way. My husband seemed to love being in the army, so I'm not so sure about that. He's always been a bit different and odd in some ways. He doesn't have any real mental health issues, he just tends to be distant and cold at times.
Thanks for your response.

Originally Posted by oceansoftime

My partner who is 45 acts like an entitled, narasstic 14 yr old. Not once in 18 yrs has he gone out of his way to make me happy or feel loved. No compliments or I love yous. Just today I told him that I wished for a Pandora bracelet. I asked him if he knew whether I would prefer gold or silver. He couldn't answer me. I have not once worn anything gold. I only wear silver. I struggle with my hate and resentment for him everyday.

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Wow, sorry to hear that! Have you ever thought of leaving him? Is he aware of how you feel? It sounds like you need to have a serious talk with him! Some men are just clueless in general though. Just tell him that you'd like that bracelet in gold directly

Some men don't understand anything that we tell them unless we happen to be clear and direct about things. I know the feeling at times. It can be very frustrating to deal with. Does he show love for you by doing things for you at all? Some men like my husband have trouble expressing their feelings.

[RRex]

Shy, a lot of men are like your husband. They're very disinterested in us as people.

[BobbyDavis]

Originally Posted by Shy Introvert

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Sorry to hear about the way that you were treated growing up- I have been through a lot of similar situations in the past too. I was abused mentally, emtoionally, and sometimes physically with hitting by my parents, sister, and some of my peers. I was bullied growing up, and was bullied as an adult until recently. So all that really does mess with your head and self esteem!

You and your wife are so lucky to have each other! She sounds wonderful, and so do you! You're g.f and best friend are awesome too! Not that many people would actually go out of their way to help and actually research these issues in order to understand them A lot of people tend to shun people who are different-

As for my husband, I met him after he completed his military duty. When I met him, he was working at this company in N.Y as a truck driver at the time. He was never that much of a talker or good at communicating his feelings. He didn't even say hi to me on our first double date! So maybe this is just how he is-

Sorry to hear bout your uncle. I'm sure that both my uncle and my husband have been affected by their time in the army in some way. My husband seemed to love being in the army, so I'm not so sure about that. He's always been a bit different and odd in some ways. He doesn't have any real mental health issues, he just tends to be distant and cold at times.
Thanks for your response.

Thanks.

I am sorry to hear you were bullied and emotionally abused.

My Wife was bullied almost every day at school when she was a kid because she was advanced and a bit overweight and some of the other students in her old classes would go out of their way to pick on her and did horrible things to her. She hated going to school because of it and she told me she didn’t have many friends back then outside of church so spent a lot of time by herself. Hailey suffered from severe depression when she was a teenager and she felt like she didn’t belong so she started cutting herself and her parents made her go to a therapist. Talking to a therapist about her problems helped her because it made her feel more confident with herself and stop worrying about how other people saw her and she chose to focus on things she was good at like art and music instead. Most of Hailey’s life has been one big battle and she was raped and got pregnant when she was 19 and as horrible as that was for her she says her daughter (Courtney) was the best thing that happened to her.

Hailey likes to live in her own world now because she thinks the real world is a yucky place and I love being a part of that world with her and our daughters. Do you and your husband have kids? We have 2 daughters and my Wife is pregnant with her third child (our second.) Our children mean everything to us and we love both of them very much and are very protective of them too. My Father was never a good role model for me growing up but if there was one good thing I learned from him it was what not to be as a Father to my children and for every time he hit me and put me down for not being the ‘normal’ son he wanted it just made me stronger. In a way I am grateful to him and other people like him because they made me want to succeed so much more in life and prove them wrong which I did.

I like being different and Hailey is far from normal. She is very kooky and my Sister (Kathy) thinks she is a fruitcake at times but she says we are soul mates. Hailey and I met each other through my sister’s best friend who is also one of Hailey’s best friends and we started out as friends and then we got engaged three years later. We never technically dated each other because Hailey never liked the term, ‘dating’ but we went out together and with my step daughter a lot as friends and I got close to both of them and things progressed from there. I apparently made quite the impression on Courtney at the time because Hailey told me she was always asking her questions about me and asking when I was coming over again and I guess I fell in love with both of them and even though Courtney isn’t my biological daughter I still love her like she is my own and she calls me Daddy now which means a lot.

My first girlfriend/best friend was awesome but she passed away when she was 17 and that was one of the things that lead to me going through depression because after her I didn’t think anyone would accept me for having disabilities like she did but I was wrong. My Great Uncle passed away way back in 2000 and my Great Auntie in 2009 and I was upset at the time especially over my Great Auntie as she was like a Grandmother to me because both my Grandmothers passed away in the 80s but I am okay now.

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

Warning: I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not going to pander to your feelings. I'm going to be straight with you and tell you how I see it based on what I've read and how I think/feel; if this approach is not your thing, please ignore my post.

What he did next was insulting and infuriating. He STRUGGLED to answer all of my questions after I asked him again what are my best traits. I even told him that it doesn't have to be physical! He acted like what I was asking was completely absurd, but he finally came up with this answer:

I don't understand why you were insulted because it took him a while to think of something when you put him on the spot while fishing for compliments. I'm not going to sugar-coat this: maybe he doesn't find you as attractive anymore; it can happen. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Maybe the "spark" has fizzled. Maybe you two have grown apart. Maybe it would be best to talk to him about this, if you haven't already done so. Communication is key in a relationship, is it not?

My ex did this with me (when we weren't together) and it was frustrating in itself.

He shouldn't be obliged to answer straight away with a long, flattering list of wonderful things about you, just like you shouldn't feel obliged if the roles were reversed. To be fair, I might be a bit biased here, because it's one of my pet hates when someone expects something of you like that; it grates me a LOT. I want to be more to a woman than just an ego booster, and I do not want to be trapped into bullcrapping her just to keep her from taking something the wrong way.

That I have nice skin. WTH???? Ugh! Are most men like this and this stupid, cold, and unemotional?

He compliments you on your skin and that makes him stupid, cold, and unemotional? Maybe I'm reading all this wrong, but it sounds like you're putting too much into all this. Conversely, after 20 years, you would indeed expect he'd know a little more about you, which is why I'm thinking the first part I said, about the maybes. Maybe you two need to "find" each other again; rediscover why you fell in-love with each other in the first place.

He may have felt like he was put on the spot and was afraid of giving the wrong answer in stead of just speaking from his heart.

Totally agree that this is possible. I hate being put on the spot like that; it just makes me anxious. If I want to say something nice, I'll say it.

He is awful in bed, and I have to do ALL of the work! Sorry, but that's true! I never even liked sex that much! I've never heard of any complaints from him though aside from not getting as much as he'd like of course!

Maybe you guys just aren't as compatible as you may have been in the past. Have you considered therapy for you guys, to see if you can get some help?

To be honest, it kinda irks me that you've gone on a public forum and slagged off your husband, especially about something as private as sex. I'm just trying not to judge, as we're only getting one side of the story - pity he can't defend himself.

PS

I'm 28, I've never been married, and I don't have a great deal of experience in relationships (2 serious ones and that's about the size of it) but I am still a man, I listen and observe, and I've got my head screwed on tight enough to form an opinion.

PPS

Sorry if my post appears aggressive - I've tried to be appreciative of your situation and maintain a level of neutrality, despite being very indifferent to your post; not my forté. I have to wonder if you guys were ever compatible, ... what were the old days like?