[Heart Pajamas]

I'm sorry to be a sour person for the holidays, but I just am. When I was young, I absolutely loved the spirit of Christmas, I love Jesus, and I think Christmas can be a very special time. But the truth is that I just rarely enjoy spending time with my family and in-laws. They see me as a downer, but I rather stay home and watch movies in bed. I've "ruined" Christmases for my sister-in-law before, though, and there is no way I can do that again, especially because my husband is counting on me.

First, we are going to my family's house. The thing is, no one invited me and my husband. My family never really officially "does anything" for the holidays, but the relatives usually all gather at my grandmother's home (she lives 10 minutes from just about everyone) and have dinner. The scenario is almost always the same. My mom ends up complaining about all the work she had to do, ends up crying and slamming the door to her bedroom (she lives with her mother), and someone has to go console her while someone else takes over the cleaning (usually my aunt) without complaint.

This year, my mom told me 3 different times that she did not get "anyone" (me) anything for Christmas. Her reason was that she "had to buy most of her own groceries" (she spends $400 on groceries a week--her mom gives her the money). My 90-year old grandma (her mom) has a broken shoulder and has not been able to do as much, and my mom is angry that she now has to assist her mom more, which is understandable--but my grandma lets mom live in the house rent-free, buys the food, and pays all the bills. My mom has a county job, makes a fairly good living ($40,000 a year) and also gets half of my retired divorced dad's pension (about $30,000 more). So how can my mom have "no money" when she's basically bringing in $70,000 a year with no rent or bills? Because she buys clothes and expensive items online for herself every single day! She is a hoarder. I had a falling out with her when she refused to give me the savings bonds I earned while in school (because they are buried in her cedar chest), and we recently reconnected, but I still have some resentment over her selfishness. She is depressive and was often suicidal all throughout my life and still threatens to end her life when she doesn't get her way.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I'm not wanting to go over there for Christmas. I got her and all my relatives presents even though my husband is disabled and I only work part-time. We make a small living but wanted to get a little something for everyone. When I called my mom a couple weeks ago, she insisted that we ought not get her anything because she "can't afford gifts" this year. What is also funny is that I am the one who intiates contact with practically everyone in my family. My mom always apologizes for not calling me, but never does anything about it. When I've offered to come over and cook for her and my grandma, she gives me excuses, saying she has to get ready for work (all weekend). My dad, who lives an hour away, is even worse. He never called me in his life, is an alchoholic who was recently hospitalized, and never wants to see me or my brother. We haven't seen him since this summer and got chewed out by his girlfriend's daughter for not seeing him enough, even though he won't even answer his phone when we call him!

Believe it or not, MY side of the family is actually more sane than my husband's. We are supposed to have dinner with his sister (thank God she now has her own place), but I am very anxious about it. She used to live with us and threatened to "beat my ***" last year, made a big scene, got drunk, etc., then had the nerve to be all pissed off when we didn't let her use our board games and went and stayed in a hotel on Christmas to get away from her. When we told her we didn't feel comfortable around someone who would threaten me physically, she acted surprised and said that as long as I "keep my mouth shut," it will be fine. She told me that I should keep my opinions to myself about wanting to spend time with her and "let my husband make up his own mind." I told her he can do whatever he wants, but so can I. She said what I do influences him, so I should just go along with him for his sake. She is such a bully.

Anyway, we are on OK terms now, but I'm not looking forward to the dinner. My codependent father in law and criminally insane (I'm not kidding) mother in law are going to be there with their really nasty dinner. FIL is making my favorite food ever--prime rib--but is smothering it in mustard, which he knows I hate. I don't see the point in even being there. FIL lives with us and we see him every day! My MIL is mad that we are spending any time at all at my family's house. I just feel like everyone is so selfish, but so am I. MIL wants to be driven around and waited on, always asking for money, stealing from her son, etc.

This year, my husband is excited about seeing his sister's new place, so I gotta go or I will be the black sheep for sure. I am doing it for the sake of my husband, but I'm really not looking forward to it. I really want to bring a delicious whipped potato family recipe (one thing about my family is that they are Italian and AWESOME cooks), but my FIL's girlfriend always brings nasty, cold, lumpy, smashed baked potatoes that she calls "mashed potatoes." I don't care. I'm bringing the whipped potatoes. I know it's rude to step on her toes, but I got to have at least one thing to look forward to.

Hello Heart Pajamas: I am at a loss for what to say. Your family situation sounds dreadful! I hope you make it through the whole ordeal in one piece, as they say. My heart goes out to you...