[kate3878]

Hello Everyone,
Thank you for taking the time to read my thread. I am writing because my boyfriend was diagnosed as bipolar at 15 and then again when he was in the military. I have been around him constantly and he does have mood swings, and he is constantly tired or depressed, but I don't know for sure if he is bipolar.

I was diagnosed with BPD at 35. I had no idea what was wrong with me. I thought I had a really bad case of depression and of course I was self harming and I had severe abandonment issues. I had seen Psychiatrists since the age of 19 and none of them had ever diagnosed me as Borderline. It was always Major Depressive Disorder. Once I found out I was Borderline, it made a lot more sense to me.

Anyhow, getting to my question. We have a somewhat volatile relationship. I'm sure you can imagine how difficult it would be for a Borderline and a Bipolar to live together. Things have calmed down quite a bit and I'm happy about it, but I am scared that he will repeat his past actions. He was married and his wife cheated, but they had a child together and he signed over his rights to the child. He has another child with an ex girlfriend, and he is active in that child's life. I just see a very poor pattern of relationships with women.

In the long run, I wonder if this relationship will last. We have talked about getting married and having possibly one child. I am extremely afraid that our child will inherit Borderline/Bipolar disorder. I even confronted my boyfriend and told him that I didn't know if I wanted a baby (even though I do.) My boyfriend not only has Bipolar Disorder, but also PTSD from Military experience. He can be extremely sweet one moment, and a tyrant the next moment.

I'm no angel. I have gone off on him and to be honest, I don't think I told him that I was borderline. He probably has no clue what that is or what it means. He doesn't know that abandonment scares the hell out of me, and that I am extremely scared he will cheat, or that I worry about his sincerity in our relationship. On the other hand, he will accuse me of cheating with other men (even when he knows I work nights and have to stay at work until 2:00 a.m. at times.) I went out once with coworkers and he thinks that I party with men. Both of us have gone through each other's phones and found sexting. On my end, I engaged in the sexting. I wasn't having sex with my boyfriend and I wanted an outlet. Granted, it was the wrong outlet. A girl sexted him, but he did not respond back, although he could have called her (I don't know.)

At one point our relationship turned physical and we almost broke up. We decided to give it another chance and things have changed a bit. We're both working on our issues, but last week he went through my phone and my emails and I was hurt. I tried to explain that because he didn't want sex with me, I needed to feel wanted. I know it's selfish but it's something I needed. I saw that he had registered with Zoosk, so I decided to see what he was doing and I registered. He saw the registration and some emails a couple of guys had sent, and I swore to him that I had never used the site. I was just kind of snooping on him.

So yes, this sounds very dysfunctional, but somehow, when we're together, it feels really good. We can both be ourselves and we don't really judge each other. I know he has issues, and he knows that I have issues. I don't know if I want to invest too much effort yet, because I've told him that I love him, but he can't say it back to me. I ask him if he loves me and he says, "he doesn't know." At that point I lose it, and I fear that he won't ever love me. He can be very sweet, and he knows I don't like to sleep alone, and even though he prefers falling asleep in front of the t.v., he will wake up and get into bed with me so I don't have to be alone.

This is the weird thing, my father is bipolar and my mother is borderline. So I feel like I am repeating the same pattern. Most people don't know that not all Borderlines are similar. I don't typically go into rages on a daily basis. My boy can switch from one moment to the next. It does take me a long time to come down from an emotion. I cry quite a bit, and I get emotional about things that most people wouldn't care about. I would like to know if a Borderline and a Bipolar can make a life together. My parents have done it, but things at home were unstable at times, and I had anxiety at the age of 11 or 12. I don't want to raise a child in a household where both parents are unstable. I'm trying to convince my boyfriend to see a private psychiatrist but he says it's too expensive and he'd rather go to the V.A. The V.A. has given him terrible medicine that does not change his moods.

Does anyone have any advice as to what we could do to help our relationship blossom and get better? Luckily things have mellowed out, but I'd like him to be more respectful and kind. He had an abusive upbringing and it's affected his adult life. He was physically abused by his mother, and I wonder if he could be angry at all women? I try to be gentle, but sometimes I lose it with him. Anyhow, any advice would help. Thank you for reading.

[sideblinded]

I'm no therapist here so this is a difficult question. I think people of all different backgrounds can make it. I believe that communication is the key, though. Sometimes counseling is the only way to manage certain upsets and problems in relationships but I've seen people make it work who I thought could have never made it work. You mentioned that he tends to shut down when you lose it. This might be a great area to work on. He may not respond well to anything that reminds him of his abuse.

I wish you the best!

[hvert]

Is couples counseling an option? Did I read your post correctly in that he is not aware of your own diagnosis? He might not understand the specifics, but it could help him put things in context. I do understand your reluctance to bring a child into the mix. It's realistic to expect that there will be some volatile moments here and there given your histories. That doesn't mean you can't make it work, just that it might be hard sometimes.

[Crazy Hitch]