[dogmaticone]

Lately I've been going back and forth about whether or not the relationship has a future.. & I've been in a slight depression & trying to figure out ways to get out of it or understand the "why" & "how do I start recovery?"

Relationship:

When we met he was homeless & he came to live with me & my son. We were intimate first and it developed into a relationship. In march of last year i couldnt pay rent and i moved in with my mom. He moved with a family friend. He now has his own townhouse and is looking to rent a house next year for himself, as well as me and my sons. We have our ups & downs. He has anger issues & has caused plenty of problems in the past with his temper. We are both willing to seek counseling for our baggage & issues within our relationship. (Which he's been saying since last year) & individual needs. He is the father of my newborn & is working 2 jobs to provide for the family's needs. He also is a great friend to my 9 year old. There is a possibility that we may be moving in with him due to our circumstances. He is supportive, affectionate, & direct with his thoughts.. and I am trying to open up more to him, which has always been a problem of mine. It's a defense that I've had as long as I can remember & it's driving a wedge between us. I've also been noticing some behavior patterns that I don't know how to interpret.

For example.. He knows I'm slightly depressed right now & just yesterday he was very supportive & tried to uplift me. However, today he made me feel like my depression is an inconvenience & I need to fix it. He asked me to scratch his arm & I did for a second & I guess I didn't do it right because he seemed irritated. I've told him the depression has nothing to do with him & I can't tell him how to fix it & how to make me happy if I don't know what's wrong. We were sitting on the couch with his arms around me ..He said something about how I'm feeling, then asked (in a "here we go again" tone) "are you happy?", I said no & said the same thing as I did yesterday, then took his arms from around me & said his arm hurt & Sat on the floor.. then 5 min later he's all ..."I just want you to be happy" .. we had a long convo about my getting counseling & then he tried to have sex..which he's been doing lately.. its as if he says whatever is necessary in the moment so im not mad anymore..tries to have sex.. if that doesnt work..then he keeps talking. I can sometimes literally see him searching for thoughts or things to say when we're having an argument. he is the king of misdirection!..and I need to mention that anytime we have a disagreement he says we're not compatible.. which has been several times by him only. He's very sensitive to self criticism and that has been an issue at times also.

I've also noticed that when he comes over its "baby give me a massage please" .. I give him a good 20-30 min massage & I'm lucky if I get 10. I don't feel that i should have to ask for extra minutes. Also, Some days i am really exhausted and go to answer the phone and he usually interprets it as me being negative..by my tone of voice i guess. It's as if I don't do what he asks or feel happy when he's happy then it's always an issue. There's been other situations where he's promised to do things but doesn't follow through..but other times where he does follow through. Our conversation is real surfaced at times unless we get into an argument or something that is important. .. but when we're just hanging out its always convo about our baby and "how's so and so doing?" .. and thats about it. I've read some emotional abuse articles & hope that's not what's going on .. Or maybe I'm reading too much into things.? i have a tendency to over think. i just know something is just off lately. The sex is mediocre & I end up doing most of the work with no foreplay. We hardly date anymore...Also I'm wondering maybe we're too damaged to be together.. maybe too much damage has been done to move forward... is our relationship based on circumstance? Are we really incompatible as he's been saying or do we just need more time together since we don't date anymore?

Me:
I'm looking into possible counseling for post partum depression. I'm not really sure if it is post partum or if it's just a combination of my current circumstances, my past hurts that never healed..some from him and some before him, & simply my not working that's contributing to my thoughts getting out of control. I am very critical of everything and everyone, have mood swings, and just don't care about anything some days. Looking for ways to try to find a path back to peace. I try to keep myself busy as much as possible , but that only goes so far. I also realize I'm in constant survival mode & used to doing things on my own. Its been hard to say the least to not work, and let him provide for me and tell him what i need. i know i cant do everything on my own, my attitude needs adjusting, and It's costing me my Relationships. I love him for telling me that my actions are hurting him and our relationship but dont know how to fix it ..and dont want him getting so fed up with me that theres nothing left between us. I'm just not sure if our foundation is strong enough to withstand the changes we both need to make for the benefit of our relationship, so we can raise our son & not be at war with each other. or is it i need to trust him as a leader of this family? focus on the changes i need to make and see if the relationship improves? I'm hoping that counseling and a change in our circumstances will help.

Any insight would be helpful

[shezbut]

((((dogmaticone))))

It sounds as though you have been thinking about these things for a while now.

I can understand and relate to your frustration with how your bf seems to be interracting with you emotionally. I have to say that most men I've ever known usually like to solve our problems and then want us to let it go. Whether we're just trying to get their emotional support or not, their impulse is usually to fix. It is undoubtedly frustrating though, especially when they are our main source for support.

I recommend getting a T, to talk these things out & work out how you're truly feeling inside. Hopefully, your relationship will start coming back up soon and you will start seeing the positive aspects in your bf again.

Gentle hugs to you.

[dogmaticone]

Thanks. I start counseling next week & hopefully start to sift through the mess in my head He is definitely a fixer & has been very patient with me. I just hope I don't sabotage something that has the potential to be great.

[lkbun14]

How has counseling been going, dogmaticone?