[NoddaProbBob]

I am finding myself feeling very confused. I met a friend about a year ago and we have become very close. So close that we have been able to share extremely deep things about our lives and experiences. While very hard, we've shared our vulnerabilities. Laughed, cried, and been there for one another through some very hard things.

I am just feeling very confused. It has been a really long time since I've had a friend be this close. Up until recently, I have felt as if we were just extremely close friends. Then all of a sudden I felt something a bit different. We were sharing a moment and I felt as if on some level I had fallen in love with her.

We're both females, and she has a boyfriend. We both identify as straight. But I'm trying to figure out what I am feeling. But more importantly, I'm trying to figure her out. Her boyfriend lives out of state, quite far, so perhaps she's just looking to fill the void that this has left for physical touch. I don't know.

We touch all of the time. Not sexually, but hand holding, hugging cuddling, laying in my lap, walking arm in arm, we sometimes kiss each other's foreheads and hands depending on what we've been talking about, which is usually something deep. We sometimes fall asleep together, holding hands or just laying close. When we stay at each other's houses we usually sleep together in the same bed. This morning as we were cuddling she kept playing with my ear. In fact, she bit it. Not to hurt me, but it was playful. More than once. And we just laid there. Holding each other.

I guess I'm just confused. When we first started becoming close friends, I didn't mind that she laid up against me while we were on the couch and stuff, and I guess I don't really mind the rest of what she's done that I've written. She's not making me uncomfortable. What's bothering me is that I feel like this is turning into something more, but I think I'm just confused. She keeps insisting that she needs physical touch from the people that she loves in her life, but this level of touch is something that I'm not used to ever experiencing in my friendships.

So at this point I think I am just trying to discern what is going on in our friendship. I love her and she has said that she loves me too. Up until recently it has just been as friends, but this keeps escalating and I feel like it's turning into something else. At least for me it is. I'm not interested in her sexually, but I just feel like I might have fallen in love with her on some level. But I'm not sure. Does anyone have any insights or advice to share? Am I just over thinking this?

This is new for me so I would be extremely appreciative for any words.

[CANDC]

There are people that have straight relations and also same sex relations. (this was also posted under Sexual and Gender Issues)

What you seem to be wanting is emotional intimacy - her want seems to be for physical intimacy. This is causing some confusion because it isn't what you started out wanting.

Here is what is the crux of the confusion
Quote:
When we first started becoming close friends, I didn't mind that she laid up against me while we were on the couch and stuff, and I guess I don't really mind the rest of what she's done that I've written. She's not making me uncomfortable. What's bothering me is that I feel like this is turning into something more, but I think I'm just confused. She keeps insisting that she needs physical touch from the people that she loves in her life, but this level of touch is something that I'm not used to ever experiencing in my friendships.
Before going on let me suggest some articles that might speak to the conflict going on in this relationship
How Does Sex Differ from Intimacy? | World of Psychology

The danger in a relationship is one person may want intimacy and one person may want sexuality. The person who wants intimacy may find themselves unprepared for sexuality especially in an untried same sex relationship.

The person wanting physical sexuality may feel that just being friends is not enough.

Your quote above seems to indicate you are not sure you want more than sharing friendship. You seem bothered by the same level of physical contact as before because it may mean something else now, sex with a woman.

The risk for you is great because your friendship could fall apart. You sound like you have dependency on this relationship to some extent. This is a big risk.

I get the gut feeling you want to be friends not lovers, but I don't know. If your friend is really looking for a lover, and does not value the intimacy as much as you do, then they have less to lose than you do.

Maybe you could wait for your friend to make her intentions known. If possible and she is pushing for more sexual relating, before going into a sexual situation, try to talk about everything until you are both comfortable. It might be worth appealing to see if you could be friends forever without being lovers. If she says no to being friends, your "friend" would seem to be less a real friend and more a lover searching for physical love. Talking could help you keep from going where you don't want to.