[barx]

I think that I'm being manipulated but I just can't put into words or explain just what it is that's happening.

I've been married for over 10 years. In the beginning, I thought that the reason we had such a terrible time communicating, was because of me. Either because of how I approached him about it or the tone of voice I used or the words I chose. I strongly disagreed with him, which, as you can imagine, made matters worse. But it really gnawed at me that he would just shut me down. After all, I have, pretty much, been known to be a good listener and communicator. I'm usually who my friends turn to when they need to vent or for inspiration. I also have a good work history of communicating.

In any case, he was very emotionally detached. I just didn't know how detached he was until the years passed by. Like I said, I always thought that he didn't open up to me because of something I did wrong in my approach about it. I tried different approaches and it didn't matter. He would find some reason to shut the conversation down and blame me for it. Once I got "I can tell you are looking for a fight", when he couldn't blame it on my tone or my approach etc.

I find it very dysfunctional or odd that when I voice my concern over something he's done to upset me or something that I want changed, given that I've met his requirements for him to be able to "open" up to me, he feels attacked. I try super hard to say whatever it is as gentle as I can (granted, I'm not always like that but I am when I really need him to hear me), but to him, it's bashing him instead of trying to get a deeper understanding of each other. I have tried to explain to him that this is what communication is; talking about things that feel good or things make each other feel terrible in order to bring about a change if need be. He calls it bashing. He doesn't grasp what seems to be the simplest of things or the fundamentals of a relationship. He is a very intelligent man. If I talk about something intellectually stimulating he will talk.

So tonight we argued. I tried to ask him about why he didn't ask his daughter something as simple as what were her plans these next three weeks before she went back to college. At first it was ok because he answered me by saying something like "it's ok if she stays here before she goes back to school as opposed to her moms". I agreed with him. However, because I have an issue with him and understanding what's going on, I said to him that of course her staying here is ok but that's not the issue. I wanted to know if he was curious about what her plans were since she said that she was going to pick up all of her stuff from her moms. I didn't know what that meant and I found out that neither did he. Which is my point. So instead of just saying yea, I probably need to ask her and I will when she gets back, he kept twisting this into me trying to get into his mind to see what he's thinking. Then it came down to him saying that I'm not hearing him and I just kept saying... Yes, I hear you. I have told you that I hear you, but you are not listening to me. I am not trying to get into your head. I just asked why didn't you ask her what her plans were if you too didn't know what her plans were and were curious?

Now, one can argue what's the big deal about him asking his daughter that question? The big deal is that he has this issue of leaving me AND himself in the dark, so to speak, because, he appears to me, to be too afraid of asking personal questions. Which I don't find personal, instead I find very basic to ask.

I can't understand why conversations that appear to be so benign and ones in which I would never think twice to have, are so difficult with him. Not only are they difficult but they turn into terrible arguments. In the end, they get twisted and I get blamed for them. I've had my moments when I was not kind and after the dust cleared, I would apologize, but I refuse to take the blame for him anymore. I just don't think his refusal to reflect on his own behavior and his twisting basic things to turn around on me, is "normal". Before we got married, I had my share of serious relationships and I know what somewhat decent communication looks like. I can say that I've not come across this type of person before. I feel like I'm the problem and my self esteem has taken a real beating being with him, yet, I still feel like something isn't quite right.

Any thoughts?

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by barx

I think that I'm being manipulated but I just can't put into words or explain just what it is that's happening.

I've been married for over 10 years. In the beginning, I thought that the reason we had such a terrible time communicating, was because of me. Either because of how I approached him about it or the tone of voice I used or the words I chose. I strongly disagreed with him, which, as you can imagine, made matters worse. But it really gnawed at me that he would just shut me down. After all, I have, pretty much, been known to be a good listener and communicator. I'm usually who my friends turn to when they need to vent or for inspiration. I also have a good work history of communicating.

In any case, he was very emotionally detached. I just didn't know how detached he was until the years passed by. Like I said, I always thought that he didn't open up to me because of something I did wrong in my approach about it. I tried different approaches and it didn't matter. He would find some reason to shut the conversation down and blame me for it. Once I got "I can tell you are looking for a fight", when he couldn't blame it on my tone or my approach etc.

I find it very dysfunctional or odd that when I voice my concern over something he's done to upset me or something that I want changed, given that I've met his requirements for him to be able to "open" up to me, he feels attacked. I try super hard to say whatever it is as gentle as I can (granted, I'm not always like that but I am when I really need him to hear me), but to him, it's bashing him instead of trying to get a deeper understanding of each other. I have tried to explain to him that this is what communication is; talking about things that feel good or things make each other feel terrible in order to bring about a change if need be. He calls it bashing. He doesn't grasp what seems to be the simplest of things or the fundamentals of a relationship. He is a very intelligent man. If I talk about something intellectually stimulating he will talk.

So tonight we argued. I tried to ask him about why he didn't ask his daughter something as simple as what were her plans these next three weeks before she went back to college. At first it was ok because he answered me by saying something like "it's ok if she stays here before she goes back to school as opposed to her moms". I agreed with him. However, because I have an issue with him and understanding what's going on, I said to him that of course her staying here is ok but that's not the issue. I wanted to know if he was curious about what her plans were since she said that she was going to pick up all of her stuff from her moms. I didn't know what that meant and I found out that neither did he. Which is my point. So instead of just saying yea, I probably need to ask her and I will when she gets back, he kept twisting this into me trying to get into his mind to see what he's thinking. Then it came down to him saying that I'm not hearing him and I just kept saying... Yes, I hear you. I have told you that I hear you, but you are not listening to me. I am not trying to get into your head. I just asked why didn't you ask her what her plans were if you too didn't know what her plans were and were curious?

Now, one can argue what's the big deal about him asking his daughter that question? The big deal is that he has this issue of leaving me AND himself in the dark, so to speak, because, he appears to me, to be too afraid of asking personal questions. Which I don't find personal, instead I find very basic to ask.

I can't understand why conversations that appear to be so benign and ones in which I would never think twice to have, are so difficult with him. Not only are they difficult but they turn into terrible arguments. In the end, they get twisted and I get blamed for them. I've had my moments when I was not kind and after the dust cleared, I would apologize, but I refuse to take the blame for him anymore. I just don't think his refusal to reflect on his own behavior and his twisting basic things to turn around on me, is "normal". Before we got married, I had my share of serious relationships and I know what somewhat decent communication looks like. I can say that I've not come across this type of person before. I feel like I'm the problem and my self esteem has taken a real beating being with him, yet, I still feel like something isn't quite right.

Any thoughts?

Your husband is able to control you and manipulate you by turning your efforts back on you, saying it is your problem. I imagine you have put up with it, and put the extra effort in because of the significance of your relationship to him. If these frustrating interactions were your local shop keeper or hair stylist or jr assistant on the job, I think you would have no trouble separating yourself and finding a more amenable shopkeeper, hair stylist or jr assistant.

I don't know why your husband is doing this. I suggest you find a good marital counselor and tell your husband you'd like the two of you to go. If he refuses, I'd go alone.

I've known several situations similar to yours, and the one constant is the suffering spouse put up with it.

[girlsgroup]

Maybe just maybe both of you are not really hearing each other. Sometimes we interpret what our spouse is saying when clearly it isn't what they mean. You can start with I heard what you are saying is this what you mean? And after you talk ask him to tell you what he heard. (example: you say: there are always dirty dishes in the sink. I'm too tired to.wash them now. He hears: you don't ever do any housework and I always have to do everything) clearly that's not what was meant but its what was heard. If that doesn't work then counseling may help, if your husband doesn't communicate well and doesn't like confrontation may be part of a larger issue. Maybe a dealing with his past (maybe a momma issue). Good luck. You can definitely work through this

[StillIRise]

Have you ever heard the term "gaslighting"? Googling it might offer some insight... (or not)!