[roseblossom]

My adult son who's at uni has come to stay with me over Christmas - and he's now told me that he's here to see his friends who are local. He more or less told me that he doesn't care so much about seeing me - to be honest I'm blanking out what he's told me because I'm stressed over it - and that happens when I'm stressed.

He's just sitting in the living room on the internet constantly and gets very cross with me when I try to talk to him. He said that we've never had a good relationship - he said that his dad (who mainly cared for him) was a wonderful father.

I said to him that I felt sad that I hadn't been there more when he was growing up and said it sounded like he was angry and that I would like to hear what he said and that we could go to see someone together if he wanted. He got angry and said that he would never see a psychiatrist - I told him that I didn't mean a psychiatrist.

I know that I've made some crappy mistakes and been absent a lot - which has been a lot to do with having a mental illness and breaking up from his dad.

However, I'm finding this really difficult. I told him that I didn't want to push him away because I cared so much about him, but that I wondered why if he felt like that he didn't stay at his dad's. He said he was here because his friends were nearby.

Sometimes he can say thing which seem quite scathing.

Help.

[girlsgroup]

I think he's trying to hurt you on purpose because he's still hurting and hasn't let go of the past. Its sad you weren't there for him much during his life. But if you've apologized and have tried to move forward with him in a better more communication fashion and he hasn't accepted it. You may have to give tough love. Try if you can to initiate a conversation with his father and possibly later include him so he can understand why you weren't around as much as he wanted. I that doesn't work then don't allow him to use you because you are feeling guilty. Tell him you love him if he needs you you'll be there if you can and if you can not you just can't. He's an adult and sometimes we can't allow not even our children to hurt us.

[gayleggg]

Children can be quite selfish and self-centered at time. I would suggest that you try your best not to take it personally and just be there when he lets you. Take heart that you are not the only parent that has made mistakes. My daughter and I had a very good relationship when she was growing up but when she went to college she got very vocal in her disapproval of me. She hurt my feelings often and chose to be with friends ignoring me unless she wanted something. However, she grew out of this phase and now we have a good relationship again. It was worth the wait.

I know it's not easy when you are in the midst of this kind of rejection, but I encourage you to give it time. Even though they are technically adults they still have a lot to learn. Give him his space and he will come back to you.

My heart goes out to you though.

[toolman65]

Tell him he can go stay with his friends then.

He didn't come to see you (so he says),is making your life miserable while he is there and refuses to discuss his feelings either with you directly or though a therapist.

Sitting on the couch, being snippy, solves nothing .

Until he is mature enough to talk about his feelings and can accept the fact that you were mentally ill, i really don't see an upside to him being around you.

[roseblossom]

Thanks for your replies. It's helped to get another perspective and I appreciate your insight. I realise that it's important to have healthy boundaries, but I do really want to keep building bridges where possible.

It's been really uncomfortable today as I felt really out of my depth for a while.

Thanks again.

[Fuzzybear]

[hvert]

I think this is pretty common. I wouldn't take it personally. Most college kids want to see their friends when they go home during break, not their parents. I'm sorry he said those rude things to you.

[CosmicRose]

I am very angry at my mother for missing years of my childhood, those feelings are not something someone can just forget and move on from, although we would love to. So try not to make this about you (I don't mean to sound rude! Sorry). Yes he should have stayed with his dad if he is feeling so strongly about this, but I think on some level he did want to stay with you.
I still want to see my mom sometimes, regardless.
Try not to say things like "I don't want to push you away" because if you put yourself in his shoes, that doesn't sound very good. My mom has also said some things similar and it made me feel like she was using it against me as an excuse to continue being absent and she really didn't want me around anyway.

[roseblossom]

hi Cosmic Rose, thanks for writing and for sharing your thoughts.

I appreciate you advising me not to say 'I don't want to push you away' - but I'm not sure what would have been best to say instead. The reason I said it was because in the next breath I said 'but I can't understand why you didn't stay at your dad's then'.

I'm sorry if this seems dense - I'm not sure I'm getting what I should be saying or how best to handle this in a way which is supportive. My son has told me that I'm crap at social skills (but I do have several good friends) - I know that I've been pretty stuck ever since I've been on this type of med because it suppresses emotions - so I might be slow to pick things up.

[CosmicRose]

The one thing I always wanted my mom to say was that she understood and was sorry, without justification. I have no idea if this is the same when it comes to your relationship with your son though, because for all I know you could have already done that.

I think its best when he starts acting hurt and saying those things, to put yourself in his shoes and imagine what you would want your mother to say to you. You could say things like, "You're right, I'm really sorry, I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry for hurting you and for not being there for you."
Saying anything like "I dont want to push you away" implies you are pushing him away but you don't want to, does that make sense? Anyway...just say sorry whenever this comes up again, because its not like you guys can rewind and go back (don't say this to him either). Basically don't say anything that would come across as cold or justified or like you weren't in control of your actions - these things won't help.
Taking full responsibility in your words and not making the situation about how hurt you are, is the best and probably the only way you can get through to him and past his anger.

[Koko2]

Young adults can be very remote when they come home from college, especially the first couple years. I spent Christmas dinner with someone else's college kid. He left the table during the meal and didn't acknowledge my goodbye when I left because he was too busy with his laptop and headphones.