[StuckinRut]

Hi,

This is another post about my the toxic relationship which I have with my parental family members. Sorry to be so repetitive. In an effort to give myself some space to heal and detoxify the relationship with my parents I have been telephoning them less frequently. Also, I now disclose nothing of significance about my life. Horrid as this will sound these steps have had a positive effect on my mood. It used to take me a full week to stop ruminating over the previous telephone conversation, only to repeat the process the following weekend. My parents were upset initially by this, but they quickly adjusted. Recently another family member has begun sending unsolicited text messages. The content of those messages are normally quite innocent. But I had a tough time with this particular family member in the past, I don't want to bore people with the details but the relationship was toxic. I have given this particular family member second, third, etc. chances in the past. I now value the space that I have created between myself and my parental family. I feel that this contact encroaches on my space, and brings back upsetting memories. Also it feels like another way of controlling me. If I don't reply they will go into a mock panic through fear something "bad" has happened to me. I don't want to upset my family members, so I prefer to reply and be polite. But how can I lesson this intrusion? I would really welcome some advice. I'm so bad at setting boundaries both with my family members and elsewhere in my life. Not sure I will ever learn how to do it effectively.

[gayleggg]

Could you just text them that you are taking a break from electronics and will not be accepting or returning any text messages in the near future. That way even if they sent you one you could just delete it without worrying that they will panic.

I understand, I have toxic relatives, too, fortunately, mine have tired of bothering me.

I wonder if other family members have asked this individual to keep close contact with you because you have altered the parent texting? No matter, here's what you do.

I strongly suggest not replying right away or, if you do, text back "I can't respond right now as I'm working/at the store/on the phone/tied up/with a friend". You get the picture. The quick "can't reply right now" will get them off the panic button. It also discourages numerous texts because they will get tired of waiting a day or two for your response. Make sure you wait a full day or more and if you get flack tell them you were just so busy and replied as soon as you could. That should do it.

[hvert]

I read about something called 'low communication' on another message board. I find that it's easier for me to do that than 'non communication,' basically for the reasons you allude to - less drama over all.

I do not want to speak to my father, but he occasionally sends me emails or text messages. I do not respond to the majority of them and delete them immediately. However, I occasionally respond with very brief contentless replies. Stuff like 'That's great news,' or 'Can't complain.' I then don't reply to any further messages. Maybe something like that would work for your situation?

[divine1966]

I limit communication with my dad per my T advice. Reply briefly and neutral and then ignore

[StuckinRut]

Thanks, this is great advice. I will combine the delay, break from electronics and brief reply approaches. Hopefully that will work. This particular family member is very used to getting their own way in life, which has brought us into conflict in the past.