How do I not let a bad relationship affect my self-esteem?

Domestic violence shelters do assist women in the kind of situation that you describe. You might want to call what local numbers you can find to inquire about what might be possible. I understand that you may have reasons to decide that you feel better off staying there, rather than leaving. It can be a tough decision to make. If you are getting any mental health treatment, you might want to discuss this with whomever you are seeing there for help.

Domestic violence shelters are not only for women being physically battered. They do take in women who have been in emotionally awful situations. They do take in women who financially would have to go on the street to leave their domestic partners.

I'm sorry that you are in this situation. It does sound kind of dire to me. If you do not have your own income, you are very much at this man's mercy. If you can drive and are able to go off in the car on your own, there are groups that meet to advise women in bad situations, including like you describe. You might have more options than you realize.

Can only agree with the others. get out of that relationship and start over.

Shelters can help u with the job not just place to stay until u are on ur feet.
And honey people do not change. 16 years? U don't to spend another 16 years like that. I spend around 8-9 years with my BF waiting for him to stop drinking. He would only make an effort out of fear of me leaving but it never lasted. He would not even go see a therapist go to rehab or AA. I finally left. I don't regret the relationship as it was largely good and he is a good person but people don't change he drinks just the same he drank when we met! Almost 9 years of my life....at least I got out now before I am too old!
Do not waste your time, he won't change, call shelters and ask for help and keep us posted and keep applying for jobs

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Well, I believe anyone can change but to do so requires extreme willpower, strength, and true commitment to the cause. I hope, for your sake, he will devote himself to being a better person. All the same, please continue on with your plan to start working and supporting yourself financially. This way, if he doesn't hold up his end of the bargain, you can be out of there without a worry or a second thought.

I agree in theory that people can change but really if after 16 years he is still not a good partner, how many more years does a woman need to spend hoping the guy will change? Sure if you've been with someone for short time, give him them a chance to show their potential. After that many years though, it is either there or it is not. I tend to think it is not there and time to move on.

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That is quite true. He most likely won't change, at least not in time to save his relationship with ghostkrumpet. This is why she needs to continue with her plan to get herself out of there because their relationship doesn't seem to be going anywhere positive. On other hand, it would be great to think that maybe he does care enough to change now that she's given him the ultimatum. But that's just me slipping into fairy-tale mode. I do have temporary lapses of sanity.

Either way, I wish the best for her.

Things haven't been this way for the entire sixteen years. They were good once or a I would have gotten out when I had my job and the money to do so. We were really young when we first got together and both very different people. I really don't know how long it's been like this but somewhere along the lines the dynamics changed and I became powerless. Probably when I lost my job.

I don't see why I shouldn't give my plan a try. Even if he isn't going to change he is going to have to start interacting with me differently if I start behaving differently. I'm really more concerned about how I feel about myself at this point than our relationship. I'd much rather wait until I can get financially stable and move out on my own if I can. I don't want to give up my dog, my solitude and whatever else I may be giving up by going to a shelter. It's not as if I am doing nothing. I have a plan in place and if it doesn't get any better for me then I guess I always have the option of being homeless.

I've looked up online about the shelters here. I can't find any information that really tells me anything about them. I know at the men's shelter they have to leave everyday at a certain time and aren't allowed to go back until a certain time. Many go to the library and sit there all day long. I know much of my day would be looking for a job, but that is sitting on a computer putting in applications or sending them resumes until you get a call. I have no idea what my day to day life would be like, but I'm guessing being homeless isn't all that great.

Domestic violence shelters are vastly different from homeless shelters. They normally do not require that you be gone during the day. The one I was in was every bit as comfortable as a college dorm. The food was good. It was a nice environment. I was allowed stay there for 3 months. Some women got extensions to stay 6 months.

In my case, the treatment at home got much worse when I was out of work. I think my bf had gotten used to me bringing in a good income. Also, when you have no income, the guy knows you are kind of trapped.

I agree about finding job first. I just don't want you to spend another 16 years unhappy unless of course he changes his behavior. Whatever you decide I wish you the best.

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