[NMB482]

A brief overview:

I've been dating a girl for 1 1/2 years and everything has gone pretty well. We get along...have lots in common...enjoy each others company and I generally feel compatible and comfortable with this person, which doesn't happen often. I currently exited the most difficult and stressful year of graduate school ever and I admit that I haven't been as good a boyfriend as I usually am the last few months. Being that I haven't had much free time recently and have been a bit preoccupied. She was so patient and understanding with this, but eventually snapped and said she was frustrated with it. She vanished and wouldn't see me, basically out of the blue. This girl has trouble expressing feelings in-person sometimes and has a tendency to run from problems, which she admits. We talked a bit through email for a few weeks and she mentioned the frustration with my lack of time. I told her I understood, but that my schedule was opening wide up after this semester. She then told me she wasn't convinced that would be the case and then nitpicked some other things about me...minor things, really. It felt as if she was grasping for things to critique and exaggerating them. After a month of this we finally met up and she was so cold. She's usually incredibly sweet, but she was like a different person. She was tearful, yet at times angry and would not talk to me. She basically froze. I expressed how this bothered me and basically left things open with her...to give her some time with hope she'll swing around. I've spoken with her sister and a good friend who tell me that pressuring her will only make things worse, yet they tell me she does care about me and this baffles them too. She never officially broke up with me, though, and only vaguely said she's frustrated and "doesn't know what to think anymore"...she still has all my stuff at her apartment. We last hung out as a couple (together) 5 weeks ago and the last time I sent an email was a week ago to which she hasn't responded, though I didn't pressure her to respond and only said it would mean a lot to me if we got together and talked, but when that happens is up to her. This doesn't feel right. Everything aside from my lack of time was going great and these seem like typical issues in many relationships that can be talked through. Even with how busy I was, we saw each other fairly regularly. It feels like these were not big issues and there is something else going on.

Here's the bit about trauma:

She opened up to me a few months back (only myself and her sister know this about her) about a 4 year relationship that ended at this same time 2 years ago. Her then boyfriend pushed her down the stairs while pregnant and caused a miscarriage. I think he did this in response to her trying to leave, as they lived together at the time. She left and immediately moved and met me 8 months later. This seems very serious to me and eight months is not a lot of time to get over something like that and I wonder if I may have triggered something. It doesn't feel like she pulled away because of me, personally. Even her friends agree that she seems to be running from something. Mind you, the only other person who knows this about her (miscarriage) is her sister. She's told me that she doesn't like Christmas, which makes sense now. When all this started it began with her saying she wasn't getting anyone anything for Christmas, though she would hang with me the night before (she purposely works on Christmas). I then said I understand, but I would still get her something small because I really like Christmas. I think this may have triggered her flight response. I was looking (ok, stalking) her old facebook posts and her ex's and found that she disabled her facebook account at the end of Dec till early March during their break-up...she also lost a ton of weight very quickly. I don't know what else could have led to this...we don't really fight and I've never been anything but genuine and loving towards her.

Does anyone have any insight to offer? Has this happened to someone else? Does someone know a bit about trauma....does my interpretation make sense or am I deluding myself? After such a horrible miscarriage and break-up it seems like ptsd might be a possibility. What should I do? I don't want to lose her. The fact that she pulled away, yet has not officially broken up leads me to think she just needs some time. This just doesn't feel right. Even her friends tell me to stick around a bit...they're baffled too. I've been through a break-up after a 5yr relationship in the past that was easier than this :-/

- - - Updated - - -

I maybe should add that early in our relationship...maybe 4 months in, she muttered under her breath, "Crap, I'm starting to really like you". I thought it cute at the time, but now it feels like she was afraid of getting close to someone. I've dated a couple commitment-phobes in the past and she doesn't seem like one...it seems like she was afraid to open up to someone that soon. But, things were great after that and I almost even forgot she said that...she even met my parents. All these signs, to me, add up to depression. I don't know much about her past relationship, but maybe she was depressed and taking it out on her partner who then physically abused her? She's always shown that she really liked me, and at the same time been hesitant to get too close. Now, I'm thinking this may be because she was expecting a depressive episode? She says she "hates feelings". Any advice? I don't want to pressure her and push her away more, but I also don't want to lose her.

[Bill3]

There is no doubt that the tragic end of her previous relationship could have caused ptsd and/or difficulties with intimacy. Still, I wonder about the exclusive focus on her and her problems in this post.

You noted that she became frustrated over your lack of availability and skeptical that it would improve. You acknowledge that you fell short as a boyfriend, for some months. Her vanishing therefore may not have been "out of the blue"; perhaps it was simply the culmination of her frustration.

I wonder therefore whether it might not be useful to take honest stock with her of where you have fallen short in the past, apologize to her, and promise to do better now--not next semester.

[NMB482]

I appreciate your response. I have taken stock of this and have apologized...more than once. I've been nothing but honest and open with her. I expressed how I couldn't help the lack of time (dissertation proposal), but it was temporary and I was looking forward to making it up in the winter with her. I may not have had much time the last few months, but I've still tried to be a good boyfriend and I've never been anything but warm and loving with her. I've tried to be there for her as much as possible and have given her more time than anybody else, even myself. I'm not perfect, but I really don't think this should have led to a vanishing. These are issues that most couples face at some point and can usually be talked through. The semester is over and now I have tons more time...she knows that. The blame, the sudden personality and behavioral shift, the unwillingness to talk or even hear me...to see me, isolating from her friends, not posting on social media as she normally does, not even really breaking up with me officially? Some of her friends even think her recent behavior odd. These are some clear signs of depression. She also had a busy month in Dec...a big job application that took forever, medical bills that stressed her out, her dogs were fighting each other. As I said, I'm not perfect, but there is much more at play here. I want to work through this and think if we just talked about it openly and honestly that we could get through it and even strengthen our relationship. I'm willing to put in extra effort. But, it's up to her to meet me halfway, I suppose.

[Bill3]

Thanks for your response. Another danger here, in my view, is the thought that her boyfriend can/should help her through depression. Obviously you could and would be helpful, but it sounds like professional help may be warranted. Beware of trying to do this alone: one's significant other cannot be one's therapist.

But, it's up to her to meet me halfway, I suppose.

I agree. It's unfortunate but possible that nothing more really can be done at the moment, other than leave the door open.

[NMB482]

Thank you. I agree. I'm a clinician, myself, though I would never think of playing therapist with her. She could use professional help. I've spoken with her sister, who is also a therapist, oddly. She's very close with her and if she'll listen to anyone it will be her. I hope she comes around.

[hvert]

I hope her sister can convince her to see someone, if that's what she needs.

I am not sure why you wouldn't take what she says at face value? All of her actions and emotions sound sort of typical for someone ending a relationship. Sometimes apologies come too late. Sometimes people have unrealistic expectations of how much time another person should spend with them.

It can be extremely insulting to have someone attribute your feelings to an undiagnosed mental health issue. I would be very, very unhappy if my BF started trying to diagnose me when I had an issue with his behavior.

Instead of proceeding along this line of thought, I would go back to the original issue: was my time management reasonable? Was it reasonable for her to expect more support from me during her stressful December? What could I have done differently? Do I want to be in a relationship with someone who wants more time than I want to give and who stops talking to me things go haywire?

[NMB482]

Originally Posted by hvert

I hope her sister can convince her to see someone, if that's what she needs.

I am not sure why you wouldn't take what she says at face value?

Thanks. I didn't mention this to her...just her sister and I trust her. I want to talk with her about our relationship and how I think we can and should work through these things...how I'm willing, how I want to. I wont mention depression unless I reallllly see it. I could be wrong, maybe she does want to break it off. If so, she's going about it all in a very immature and un-healthy way for both of us. I view these issues as not being relationship crushing issues...things we can work through. My schedule is already much better than before and I can be around a lot more. I'm not perfect and willing to work on the smaller things. Again, I could be wrong. I just care for her and I'm trying to keep this together. I just sent her a quick message asking if we could meetup and talk sometime....we'll see what happens.