Asperger and relationships- please some in-put!

This text is really giving food for thought! Many of the things in this text fit in on me, others dont. To have asperger... means a lot of different things for different persons. Like I've got "my type" and my son has got "his type".

I do believe that my sexual orientation, has to do with me having asperger. By saying that, I don' mean that all homosexuals have aspergers!

Please, read and see what you think... Feel free to ask questions if you like!

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FRIENDSHIPS Many Aspies have an easier time making friends of the opposite sex. Possibly because we have very little in common with our peers of the same sex, since most Aspie girls are not as girly as other girls and Aspie boys often more androgynous than other males.

“I like to play pool, but I play mainly with guys. I don't know how to get along very well with women. I'm not good at small talk. I do a lot of things alone, but I do like being around people very much and talking and playing. Mostly guys, though. There are few women who share my interests.”
- Anne Marie (adult ADHD/Aspie from USA)

“I used to play quite a bit with girls when I was a kid. 2 of my best friends from childhood were girls. In kindergarten, I was always with this girl and we had a lot of secrets together. We were called ‘the experts’ by the others, because they thought we knew so much and were so quick to get through reading- and math assignments. A year or so later, I ‘finally learned’ that it wasn’t appropriate to play with girls so I stopped.”
- Mattias (adult probable Aspie from Sweden)

It is also common for young Aspies to seek the company of those that are older (for comfort, security & guidance and/or intellectual stimulation). And for older Aspies to seek the company of those who are younger (for exchange of fresh ideas & ideals).

Aspies often seek deeper levels of intimacy and bonding than the average person, regardless if it is with a friend or a partner.

“For me, this is a special feeling that primarily seems to have two consequences:
1. I will often defend people I'm bonded to.
2. I will be altruistic (without the usual requirement for give-and-take).
It also seems like some aspies have a hard time telling if a relationship is a friendship, or an ordinary relationship (like a couple). I think this is because there is really no difference between the two. The bond can develop to both a sexual relationship and to a couple living together, or it could stay at a purely friendship basis.”
- Leif (adult Aspie from Sweden)

DATING

A curious thing about Aspies is that normal courting rituals usually don’t work. If a woman plays ‘hard to get’, the Aspie male interprets it as a ‘no’ and goes looking for someone who seems more interested. And unlike other men, Aspie men generally don’t get turned off by the female showing overt interest; rather he becomes more interested. Aspie women, on the other hand, tend to get very put off by the standard male tricks.

Leif gives examples of common courting techniques among non-Aspie men:

“1. Males buy flowers and presents for females.”

“I don’t like flowers. Especially not bouquet flowers…”
- Malin (adult Aspie from Sweden)

“My husband gave me a plastic card with Ohm’s Law on it. That was nice. Another day I got a road atlas as a surprise. :-) My ex kept buying a flower I hate, and which I repeatedly told him I didn’t want. “
- Emma (adult ADHD/Aspie from Sweden)

“Well flowers die and if I get bought them - I have the hassle of finding a vase and tending to them :-( I'd rather see them growing outside. Not overly keen on chocolate either. I'm quite capbable of buying myself what I want or creating it” :-)
- Julie (adult Aspie from England)

“2. Males flatter and half-lie to females about their feelings.”

“If you don’t know they’re lying you may believe what they say. I do. I hate getting lied to. The odd thing is that when you get angry at someone for lying, then they lie even more next time so that I won’t find out that they’re lying.”
- Emma (adult ADHD/Aspie from Sweden)

“Flattery and lies make me totally perplexed. I can’t handle it. Well, perhaps if I can tell them straight that “I don’t believe that, but perhaps you have a tendency for mythomania?’ but most don’t respond well to that…

And ‘flattery’ is usually insulting I think… ‘Oh you’re a writer, how very clever of you’ gets the reply from me ‘How the **** would know? You don’t know me and haven’t read anything I’ve written.’ Or that one is pretty. ‘And???’”
- Malin (adult Aspie from Sweden)

“3. Males create alliances with each other and try to climb higher in the social hierarchy to get access to more females.”

“Ugh! Those who are of highest rank among ordinary guys are those I dislike most.”
- Emma (adult ADHD/Aspie from Sweden)

“I find it extremely attractive to be able to hold an intelligent conversation - and that does not necesarily mean agreeing - having a mind of their own is a definite turn on - being narrow minded though is not. Turn offs are if they try to be something they are not - following herd mentality and not able to think for themselves - shallow - lying etc.”
- Julie (adult Aspie from England)

Both male and female Aspies need to have the interest verbalized, in terms that cannot be misinterpreted. Vague hints such as being asked for dinner only tells the Aspie that the asking party is hungry – and possibly interested in something more, but if friendship, sex or romance is impossible to figure out unless explicitly stated. Aspies like to be informed - even if it’s bad news. (Having to guess is always worse.)

Keeping promises, being honest, and being on time are things that will be of paramount importance when dating an Aspie. Don’t even think of trying to use the usual false marketing! The Aspie is usually not impressed by titles, cars, status, monetary assets, boobs or biceps, but more by things like intelligence, depth, honesty, kindness, genuine originality and talent.

More tips on Autism, Dating and Socilization by Stan P.

RELATIONSHIPS

Many Aspies want nothing more than to find a suitable partner.

Others find the prospect of dating & relationships too intimidating & stressful to be worth the trouble and prefer to focus on other things instead, which may be equally, or even more, rewarding.

“Although I am fortunate to have a wonderful husband, I get intense pleasure from so many other things, a good book, music, crochet, buying new yarn, new comic book day, walking through a garden, baking cookies and many other things. Could it be that aspies have more capability to find intense pleasure in many areas besides a signicant other? Perhaps that would explain the reduced desire among many aspies for romantic love and also the intensity with which we persue some of our interests.”
- Ilah (adult probable Aspie from USA)

Many Aspies are married, in long-term relationships and/or have children. Most of us seem to get along best with other atypical people.

“We have been married for 19 years and I think we get along better than most couples (I suppose that is not saying much). It is funny my falling in love was almost the opposite of the reactions described. My heart was calm and secure and my stomach was not filled with nervous butterflies, a refreshing contrast to the high anxiety I often felt in most other social interactions. Far from being silly, this was I guy I could have serious conversations with, unlike most people who wanted to talk about fluff and looked confused when I used my full vocabulary.”
- Ilah (adult probable Aspie from USA)

“I have always been attracted to guys who have knowledge in some area (that I’m also more or less interested in). Have now realised that the guys I was madly I love with in school were all seen as goofs, weird, and now I realise they behaved like AS-guys. :-) My biggest crush in school is now a scientist, don’t remember exactly at what, but something to do with concrete durability.

A cocky guy who wants a traditional relationship, can go to… right away. A sport-fan I couldn’t stand either. I want both parties in the relationship to take responsibility for themselves/their part, at least to the extent of trying.”
- Emma (adult ADHD/Aspie from Sweden)

PEOPLE OBSESSION

Some Aspies have a tendency to make a person their primary special interest and may be unable to stop hyperfocusing on the object of their desire/love/admiration. It may be a friend, carer, idol, partner, ex-partner or dreamed-of partner.

Some prefer to just admire the person at a distance and don’t actually want any real contact.

“In mid-80s I was fascinated by Country-music and had [a very strong] feeling for a country-singer called Barbara Mandrell. I think I saw her show hundreds of times on video. I even went 3 times to Nashville to see her.” ;-)
- Leif (adult Aspie from Sweden)

Others will go to extreme lengths to get the attention of their loved/needed/admired one, and may have difficulty understanding or accepting that this person may not be interested. Especially if one is very lonely and dependent, and other person is perceived as the only one in the whole world who can satisfy one’s particular needs. I find this quite understandable. (Though the object of their attention may not be quite so understanding.)

SEX

Aspies often have difficulties with sex.

Some have a naturally asexual or non-passionate temperament. This means they simply don’t have as much sexual energy and interest as others. This is perfectly normal. http://www.asexuality.org/ Some are more focused on their special interests than on their emotional or bodily needs, and may find their creative projects a lot more enjoyable than relationships or sex.

Some are only interested at certain times. For females, it is natural to be more emotional and interested in mating around ovulation time (when one is most fertile).

Some have sensory issues that make body contact repulsive or painful.

“I don't really like being touched, and it does often feel like an intrusion.”
- William (adult Aspie from USA)

Others may have very intense sexual feelings, but are too shy or emotionally introvert to show it or share them with another person, too nervous to even be able to feel or express them in the company of another person, or they may find the social complications involved to get into bed or a relationship with someone way too daunting.

There also seems to be a gender reversal among Neuro-Atypical people so that many atypical women have more male tendencies and interests than other women, and males more androgynous/neutral tendencies and interests than other males. Often Aspie men are more passive, romantic, faithful and interested in long-term relationships, while many atypical women are more like the male stereotype. Bi-, homo- and trans-sexuality seems to be fairly common.

Even with opportunities to mate, some Aspies still prefer sexual activities that can be done solitaire, because it enables control of all the variables involved, gives instant reward, and means less pain and hassle all around (both before and after).

Others are only interested in sex if it involves domination, pain, degradation, fetishism, exhibitionism, voyeurism or some other unusual component. BDSM and other deviations seems to be surprisingly prevalent among AS, TS, ADHD, and other atypical & creative people. Possible reasons for this:

- If one has a super-receptive nervous system, it is very easy to get Pavlovian connections between certain sensory stimuli & sex if they happen to occur at a time one was in an aroused state, and then get addicted to experiencing that again and again.

- People who are mentally oriented with poor body contact, may need something particularly interesting, unusual and intense to awaken bodily feelings and passions at all.

- Whether male or female, many on the spectrum are emotionally introvert which makes them distinctly passive and/or submissive sexual partners and need someone active or dominant to initiate contact and make things happen. Usually they get along well with intense ADHD-persons who are more active and often equally interested in unusual sex.

- Being the passive partner – especially if restrained and/or mentally controlled – also gives one a relief of responsibility; all one has to do is follow orders and take what comes. Thus, less risk of screwing anything up. J And if one screws up anyway, it probably feels better to be punished for it right away and by someone else, than to mentally beat oneself up about it for weeks or moths afterwards.

- In the case of the Dominant, it may be the other way around; a way of being in perfect control in one of the few situations possible.

- Enjoying restraints may have the same origin as the need many autistics have to be hugged or wrapped very tightly to feel safe, comfortable and in touch with one’s body.

“if i am tied just the right way it is very comforting.”
- Kajira (adult Aspie)

- For those on the spectrum with a very high pain threshold, what others would percieve as severe pain can truly be perceived as just pleasant stimulation and a way of getting high on endorphins without having to exercise.

“i also enjoy strong stimulation (being whipped, waxed etc), but only with trusted partners.”
- Kajira (adult Aspie)

- Craving pain and restraining may also be an instinctive way of trying to get Sensory Integration. Intense pain (e.g. from hard flogging) can also be a cathartic experience that can relieve guilt, frustration and anxiety and stretch one’s limits of endurance in a safe and controlled setting.

- Safely conducted and mutually consented-to BDSM and other deviant sex can, by its very nature, also create a much higher degree of intimacy, trust and bonding - which is what autistics often seek - than standard vanilla sex, A normal, semi-superficial relationship may not feel deep and rewarding enough to be worth the trouble.

This said, not everyone on the spectrum is sexually deviant. And not everyone who is sexually deviant is neuro-atypical.

Inger Lorelei http://www.creative-minds.info/Lorel...ationships.htm

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That's very interesting. Thanks for sharing. I know a woman who has Asperger's and she married a man with Asperger's. They've been married a long time and are very happy together. She was drawn to him because he made sense to her more than other people (and was less likely to misunderstand her) and I think he was drawn to her for the same reasons. She tends to blend socially better than he does, and she gets very frustrated and hurt by people often jumping to conclusions about him.

Hi there -- I do not know anything about this, but it sounds like this has lots of good info for you.

((((((((((((((Poetrylover))))))))))))))

I like your logon name!

I know a little about Asperger's but not as much as I would like to.

A dear friend of mine has a 17yr old son who was just dx'd with aspergers and if you could share with me some good websites that I can forward on to her, I would be very appreciative. I've found some things, but I don't want to give her misguided or wrong information. Thanks in advance for any help you can give!

BTW...very interesting article! Thanks for sharing

Hugssssss
J