[kuro92]

So my friend has been acting pretty unstable lately ever since she met this guy a couple months ago. We've been great friends she's like a sister to me. She's the first real friend I've had since middle school(I'm 22, she's 26). She started becoming pretty man hungry and just dating anyone she could find online. I noticed she kept making remarks about how she only wanted to date wealthy guys because she didn't want to work which I didn't agree with, but just let it go. She met this one guy online and just got extremely attached to him seeing him every other day. Since the beginning it's been basically her coming to me crying about him saying awful degrading things to her such as her looking like a boy or being too chubby. He even told her at one point he doesn't date girls from broken families and that really tore her apart. I've told her several times to leave him since he wouldn't even consider her his girlfriend and I'm pretty sure he's just using her for sex.

They've been seeing each other for about 8 months now. She pretty much blew up at me a couple weeks ago since she thought I kept putting him down which I don't understand at all since she would come to me telling me all these awful things and actually agree with me that she deserved better and would take a break from dating. She's even started putting my boyfriend down who hasn't done anything wrong. We've been together for 11 months and we haven't even fought once. The only bad thing she could find about him was that he wasn't extremely wealthy and kept telling me that I needed to find a rich guy. She still keeps telling me that up until now and it's really starting to bother me. I think that's extremely messed up to suggest I should just date a guy because he has money.

The thing that's making me feel like she's unstable lately is that my dad is currently in the hospital due to a heart attack. She came without warning today to pick me up and try and cheer me up which I greatly appreciate. But, towards the end of the day she started just pushing at my buttons and had a great change of attitude. She started talking about her 'boyfriend' again and going on about how he's not treating her right. She also told me how she dropped out of college and work because it conflicted with the time she would go to see him which I think is ridiculous, but stayed quiet anyways since she doesn't seem to approve of my opinion of him. I told her how I was having some money problems since my dad would no longer be working due to recovering. She started telling me how I needed to date a wealthy man and my boyfriend should be giving me money which kind of annoys me since I don't want to accept money from others. My boyfriend has offered, but I'm just not okay with it. She messaged him the other day to talk about me since she was worried and told me she thought he was too sensitive and that wasn't good in a guy...? I'm just not appreciating how she's putting me and my boyfriend down when I'm going through a lot. Then started going on about how it wasn't normal that I was smiling despite my dad being in the hospital.

I'm trying to stay strong and not cry in front of others since I have only myself to rely on right now(my mom passed away a year ago) She just kept going on and telling me also how I'm not living a normal 22 year old and need to live my life. Also telling me how I'm very mature then contradicting it by saying I need to grow up right after and I'm still so young and don't understand love/life. I'm currently working full time and taking care of my dad while all she does is stay home, shop, and date now. I wish she would just understand I'm not in the same position as her. She quit her job the other week that she only works 4 hours one day a week because she thought it wasn't right the manager was telling her what to do and it was too tiring =.=...

I don't get what's up with her. I'm feeling frustrated. She was such a nice girl, but ever since she met this guy, she's really changed and I've tried telling her that, but she just can't see it. She also just texted me one hour ago asking me to go to the club with her despite knowing my dad is in the hospital? I don't even know what's going on with this girl, but I am pretty much at my end with her reckless behavior. Is there really any use in trying to save this friendship? I can't believe a guy who doesn't even consider her his girlfriend could change her so much.

[JJBX]

Here's my take on what's going on -

She had this idea that a lot of women have that she will find a rich guy and their lives will become so much easier. She gets into that relationship and like any normal human, wants to like the person she's with and wants that person to like her too. She found herself some rich guy and is clingy enough to make him feel significant, but who is with her to fulfill his own egotistic needs, not because he necessarily loves and appreciates her. She's unhappy with the relationship but can't admit that because it means that she would have to second-guess her idea about how to achieve a stable life, which then means she feels lost as to how to get this stability she craves.

She sees you, someone younger than her, who is actually starting to come into their own and despite struggles, is slated to achieve stability long before she even figures out how she wants to find that same stability. Admitting that she was wrong means admitting that she's "losing" the race to achieve stability, which also means she can't necessarily be in the role of wise advisor to you since you will have found it before her. It can be a blow to the ego of a person who may feel like she's been wasting time on fruitless ventures.

So, what does she do? She looks for flaws in your relationship to help reassure herself that she's still right and that you aren't actually achieving stability. If you're having problems, it means she's not alone with her struggles. Pointing out that her plan to find a rich man would benefit you with your financial problems reassures HER that she was right to HERSELF. Criticizing your boyfriend is her way of making her boyfriend not seem so bad. Criticizing you for being "boring" or whatever is her way of reassuring herself that she didn't waste her life.

In essence, she's comparing herself to you and it's making her feel bad about herself. Everyone has their own journey. There is no correct way to live your life and comparing your path to the ones that others follow just doesn't make sense; you would have to go further back than that and compare your entire life and circumstances. It's just a waste of time. ****, I've been with my husband since I was 17. Do you know how many times people told me that you should NEVER marry the guy you dated in highschool or college? Well, turns out it does work for some people... But everyone is different. My husband and I weren't with each other because we felt pressured to marry... We just have similar values and we both are private people who appreciate deep connections to other people (not to mention our extensive discussions on if either of us would get sick of the other before we even got engaged). Some relationships like ours don't work because one was attracted to the other for being so very different and they let their impulses lead the way.

If your friend becomes toxic, I would hate suggesting to distance yourself because it sounds like she probably has been a very good friend in the past and is just going through a crisis of life at the moment. I have had friendships crumble for very similar reasons though, so just prepare yourself for that. I do miss those old friends a lot, but when they meet the wrong person... There isn't much you can do until (or if) they come to their senses. I would try to focus on positive phrases with her to gently remind her that each person has their own way, there are many paths to happiness, and you aren't wasting time if you've learned something. If she brings up the money thing, I would just tell her that it's not more important than love and genuine care, which is what you get from your boyfriend. Why go for a rich man when you're with a good, decent, loving person?

It's hard but try to not take this stuff too personally. She's not really trying to knock you, she's probably just desperately trying to hold on to the belief that what she's doing is going to lead to what she wants in life. She's already started to realize it isn't, so hearing something positive about your core goals might help break down this barrier of denial in her mind.

[hvert]

I don't think the guy made her this way. There's something in her already that lets her put up with a guy like that.

Her life choices are kind of disturbing. From what you say, she has problems making good choices about her career and dating life. It's one thing if a friend wants to make those kinds of bad choices, but when she starts getting on your case because you are responsible... that's another story, imo.

Maybe it's time to just see a bit less of her and gauge how you feel? And steer clear of conversations about her relationship? I find it helpful to go on a sort of advice diet with friends like that. I offer no comment on their choices or judgments at all. When I do this, I often suddenly notice that the majority of the relationship has been devoted to discussing their drama. Once that's off the table, there's nothing left to talk about.

[MiddayNap]

A member of my family was in a very similar predicament, actually. She had just started seeing a guy after leaving her husband-a bipolar, drug-filled rollercoaster ride. She felt the need to put him first and would stay over at his, leaving my brothers and I to live parentless. She would go out with him every day and stopped talking with her best friend because he didn't like her. For her, I believe she wanted stability and longed for a relationship, much like it seems your friend does. However, it seems your friend is also suffering from insecurity and this man must be as well because he seems to have to put her down in order to elate himself. I think he is acting terribly towards her so that she won't leave him, and is it working? There is a silver-lining to this cloud, however. Eventually this family member started to balance her relationship and the rest of her life and although she is still devoted to this new man, she no longer shuts everyone else out. Then again, her new guy is supportive of her. If this man is emotionally abusive, she needs to leave him. I think part of her knows this, as it appears she is trying to tell you this in her own bizarre way. Perhaps she then feels guilty for saying these things about him, because he's gotten her to think she is worthless, which could explain why she snaps at you for agreeing. My advice is this: Be patient and, if at all possible, ask her why she is seeing this guy. Not in an accusing, attacking manner, but to get her to evaluate her own emotions. When I would act hurtful, it was usually because I wanted others to understand the emotions I couldn't quite express, so I assume this is why others do it as well. Remember: Chicks before d**ks. I wish you and your friend well.