Do I LIKE being abused?

If anyone can somehow help me to understand myself a little better, I would really appreciate it. Im open to anybody’s advice on this thread but it would be great to hear some advice from a professional.

Basic facts that might help to better understand me:
24 year old – female.
My sexual preference is women. So I guess that makes me a lesbian.
I currently take 25mgs of Adderall every day. Prescribed.
Diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder and ADHD by my general practitioner.

I was watching a reality show earlier today and watched a woman irrationally approach her co-worker and beat the crap out of her. The co-worker was trying to walk away but the aggressor beat her up anyway. When I saw this, I felt attracted to the aggressor and I SERIOUSLY thought, “I want to be her girlfriend.” I know that this thought process is not normal…

So I sat down and thought about the types of people that I am (and have been) attracted to and have dated. I’ve been in two serious relationships and have had strong feelings for a few others. The women that I’ve felt attracted to the most have been in some way: abusive, controlling, powerful, aggressive, possessive and significantly older than me- 20 to 25 years older than me.

What I realized and don’t understand is: I only really feel truly loved and cared about if a woman is physically and/or emotionally abusive. I don’t feel fully “wanted” or cared about unless she tries to control me. When I am hit, yelled at, and/or controlled; I feel a sense of belonging. It’s almost as if I LIKE to feel like a victim. It’s like I take the abuse because I enjoy the warm affection that I get from the person later when they apologize for their behavior.

Don’t get me wrong, I do feel loved when I am nurtured and respected. But TOO much nurturing and respect makes me want to distance myself and pull away. Too much nurturing and respect makes me think that the other person is mentally and physically weaker than me… which in turn will result in ME feeling frequently annoyed, angry, irrational, and just verbally mean until one of us eventually walks away all together.

Physical and verbal abuse makes me feel (or THINK I feel): cared about, secure, and wanted. Shouldn’t abuse make me feel BAD and unloved?? When I say “physical abuse”, I don’t mean being beaten to a pulp. Im more referring to being pushed or restrained… What DOES make me feel horribly sad and unloved is when im ignored. To have strong feelings for somebody who decides to ignore you is what kills me inside. I would rather be abused by a lover than ignored by a lover. So I guess im just scared of the pain of being left.

I’ve been avoiding relationships and dating ever since the last woman that I was briefly involved with screwed me over. I was 21 and she was 41 if that even matters. That was almost 4 years ago. I never told her this but- something that she did, at one point, was the straw that broke the camels back as far as me trusting anyone else ever since. Just made me really sad and she doesn’t even know it and probably never will. I don’t usually show my pain to anyone. I keep things to myself because I don’t want to annoy anyone with my problems. Plus, I isolate myself from society when im in emotional pain because I don’t have the energy or motivation to hold conversations. So I try hard to bury things and then forget about them.

Im too embarrassed to tell anyone what I just wrote to you above because I know it sounds insane and I just feel stupid. I dont want to keep being attracted to abusive people. I know they will only take me down a destructive path. If you can tell me what you think my problem is, please do so. You can ask whatever questions you need to about my past or send me a message. Hopefully you can try to understand... I’ll listen to anyone’s opinions and suggestions…

It could be there's something familiar with what you describe? Could stem from your past, not necessarily replaying a replica of your past, but replaying something that was missing or desired?

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I got myself involved in the same kinds of situations when I was younger. Taking a break from dating until you get this (at least somewhat) sorted out is a great thing to do. It really worked for me.

TBH, I feel very disconnected from the part of me that dated those mean people for so long. I don't like to think about it - it doesn't match my idea of who I am now. I also don't want to talk about it with anyone or let people know I did that. It's not something I've been very self-reflective about, so I can't really offer good suggestions as to why you have this pattern.

Because I don't really like thinking about *why* I would do something like that, I just told myself that I had to stop getting involved in those situations, even if I was attracted to them. I made a list of warning signs and avoided people and situations that tripped any of my flags.

So maybe it is enough to know that there is a part of you that finds this sort of thing appealing and that you would probably be happier if you resisted that temptation - sort of like the way someone who has dealt with substance abuse has to resist their substance of choice.

healingmeforme: Yes, I do believe you might be right... I'll have to think about that.