[imwiththedj]

Hi all. I'm 36, and I've been dealing with PTSD with panic disorder and anxiety of increasing levels for about 8 years now. I've been in regular therapy for over 18 months and it was better for a time. My somatic symptoms were getting better, I was feeling more confident and in control and things just generally seemed calmer and less scary.

A year ago, after being single for nearly 4 years I met this great guy who is now 43. I felt really great and confident about myself and the relationship. We kept things casual, took it slow and we got attached to each other in ways we never expected. I'm happy, and I think I might be in love with him. He's caring, communicative, patient, in general helps me to be in a less anxious place, is supportive and trustworthy. He's introduced me to his family and friends and he's made room for me in his life and making plans for things we will do in our future. We even team up and collaborate with our related jobs. So far, so good. I should be feeling even more secure, right?

Despite all that, the last few months I've been feeling increasingly insecure. I know it's me. I can rationalize it but I still can't stop it and it's really frustrating.
I don't want my insecurity or fear of abandonment ruin this relationship. Deep down, I'm totally scared that he'll leave me or gradually start spending less time with me and do a fade-off.

After quite a few weeks where we had only one or two days off from each other every 10-14 days or so because of holidays, plans, work-related things, etc, the last two weeks we've been spending a couple more days a week a apart because we have some work to do separately and need to get some things done so we can enjoy his daughter's visit next week. I know I need some more time for myself, and he does too, and I try to keep texts and messages at a minimum when we're apart so we can do what we need to do, though we have some regular times of the day when we check in with each other.

I'm trying really hard not to give in to my anxiety and give both of us some space to let there be some breathing room to keep things fresh. Regardless, I have horrible anxiety when I'm not with him and somehow manage to convince myself that it's just the start of us spending less and less time together before he leaves me. Rationally I have no indication that this is the case, but still I can make myself so caught up in this idea. I know I have a huge fear of abandonment, which I'm trying hard to work on too. But still, it doesn't help the fact that it's really difficult for me to enjoy and be productive for myself on the days we aren't together, though I know it's really good for us both to do that.

I went from feeling secure and confident, which is probably one reason the relationship got this far to start with, and now I'm feeling exactly the opposite, and I think it's all me doing it to myself. I'm feeling really anxious and don't want to ruin my relationship because of my persistent sense of insecurity.

[Lackadaisical.me]

This happens to me a lot. Especially in relationships. I meet someone and I am secure and confident and somewhere in the relationship I personally start depending/relying on the other person to give me confidence.
I'm learning that being secure and confident is up to me.