girlfriend still chats to ex sex buddy

My girlfriend of 6 months still regularly chats to her sex buddy who she had between our relationship and the last one. I told her before that I'm very uncomfortable with it but she says I then put her in an awkward place as they were friends before. He is 24 she is 46 and I'm 43. I know a lot is my insecurity but she as much as said he knows nothing will happen while we are together. It then sounds like she's keeping him in reserve in case we split. It does seem very disrespectful in my eyes but am I thinking about it wrong? She has said I can see their texts but I don't know whether I should out of either respect for her or in case I see something I don't like. It's just that he messages her "what you doing this weekend? " and I really hate it

Hi Redbadger

I would like to acknowledge that this is a very akward situation for you to be in.

You do not feel comfortable with the fact that you girlfriend has contact with her ex sexual partners.

Truth be told, I think that others would agree with your being uncomfortable.

I guess the challeng is that she is continuing with this communication despite the fact that you have expressed your insecurity.

I am not sure that I am able to state whethere you are thinking about this wrong.

I think that a lot of this has to do with trust.

This article that I found here on Psych Central gives strategies for a relationship where a partner is still in contact with a less than favourible ex.

So the spin on it is slightly different.

However, I wonder if there is something of value in here that you may be able to try as a strategy -

"My Partner's Ex is Ruining Our Relationship" | Relationships in Balance

Here's a response from me personally -

If I was in a relationship with someone and they were still in contact with an ex partner with whom they shared intimacy - I may feel a little uncomfortable.

By the same token, I need to acknowledge the fact that their relationship existed before mine.

And.

In addition.

I also need to acknowledge the fact that I have a resilient partner.

Because.

If one day my partner and I ever separated, because I love my partner so much, if there was a way that we could remain friends, but not longer be together, I would be happy with that.

And I would love and respect my partner so much more if he did not allow his new partner to attempt to unbind the love that we share, regardless of the fact that we may no longer be in a relationship.

If they are still texting each other more than 6 months after you came along then they were/are more than **** buddies.

Friends, friends w/benefits or whatever they have now is making you feel uneasy, correct?

You didn't put her in this "awkward space", she did. Expecting you (or anyone) to be o.k. with her continual contact of a past lover is unreasonable and disrespectful of your feelings.

You will never feel secure if your partner is forever reminding you that she has options. Unless you want to be forever policing her behaviour, i would move on.

I can understand your feelings on this matter, however, I stay in contact with ex-lovers/sex partners and have no intention of ever sleeping with them again. It would be hard for me to dump a friend just because we used to be more and that it makes my current boyfriend uncomfortable. I'm not saying that you are wrong it's just that you have to trust the person you are with. Just because she is texting them doesn't mean she has any other motives.

I still chat to my ex FWB, we've remained strictly friends, 10 years after the benefits. I did not take kindly to the bf wanting me to end a friendship based on his insecurities... And look, that bf is long gone but I still have my friendship.


On a similar note, my bf is friends with an ex of his whom he dated very briefly, and in both instances (my case and my bf's) we discovered we were better off friends and have remained so.


Neither my bf nor I have an issue with this type of contact.


Sometimes exes really can be friends, especially if they were friends prior to attempting a relationship.


When I would be worried, is if her contact with her friend takes away from your relationship... Is she confiding in him instead of you, is she in contact with him more than you.... That's worrisome and downright disrespectful.


Friendships aren't a sign of disrespect. Friendship is normal and healthy human behavior.


If you can't handle being exposed to this type of friendship, then you need to own that and do what's right for you, not make it her problem.

While I agree with the first bit of your post - that they aren't just f*** buddies, but the rest I disagree with.

There's nothing wrong with someone maintaining a platonic relationship with a past partner. It isn't unreasonable or disrespectful to anyone. Now, expecting or asking your partner to give up a friendship with an ex is much more unreasonable and disrespectful.

The discomfort the OP feels is their own issue to handle. Sure, it's a totally acceptable one. But ultimately it's for him to work with, not his gf. It is the OP making this an issue within the relationship, not the gf.

As Trippin said - if she's relying on an ex for the sort of emotions and relationship that you would expect out of a relationship then it's crossing boundaries. But if it's a clear friendship then there's nothing wrong with it. It sounds like when she said that he knows nothing will happen while she's in a relationship is demonstrative of her trying to make it clear to you that there is NO contact outside of the realms of friendship, even if she worded it in a way that can come across as keeping her options open. Especially as she's offered to show you the text conversations.

@ a red panda

If they were just **** buddies, with no emotional attachment, then why the resistance to giving it up?

If there is an emotional connection, then the OP has the right to feel uneasy.

And can SOME ONE please tell me,when did allowing someone to read your texts become a litmus test for the health of a relationship?

i think you need to build trust if she continues to contact this person. can you trust her? it takes time to develope trust too. if she is confiding in the other person and not you then i would be worried. do you trust her? is she still confiding in you? otherwise i don't see anything wrong with keeping an old friend.

Thanks for the replies. She has stated that they were friends before the sex buddy thing. Talking to each other about relationships and such. I realise that by me taking issue with it, it's uncomfortable for her as I would be essentially asking her to stop contact with a friend. She has brought up about me living with her recently so perhaps I am reading too much into it. It does still niggle me. I worry that if we have an argument she may take comfort in him. Though apparently their communication isn't even weekly so again I may be a victim of my own insecurity. She has said time and again how important trust and truthfulness is in a relationship so I guess I should be giving her a break. Doesn't help with my feelings though. I need to get over it

The OP states that they were and are friends, not just Fk buddies, and that definitely would cause resistance.

Yes they used to meet up as friends, talk about the usual, relationship issues and such then they came to this sex agreement. It is therefore unfair of me to ask her to stop replying if he contacts, or contacting him. Apparently it's not even every week. It's something I need to realise exists and get over it. I do worry that if we argue she may take comfort in him but that may well be all in my mind. She says she values trust and truthfulness over all else

She has also recently mentioned about me moving in with her. Do I therefore accept that probably all is good, just not perfect but what is?

Your question reminds me of a lyric....


"The best way to make it through with hearts and wrists in tact, is to realize two out of three aint bad..."

So 'it's not great, but could be worse'?

No, the lyric just says what you said, nothing in life is perfect, and we have to be realistic in our expectations.


Put it this way, is it bad enough that you'd be ok with splitting up over the 1/3?

I wouldn't worry about it to much unless you saw signs that something was rekindling. There is a rather large age gap even if you weren't in the picture.

The last thing I want is to split with her. I need to get over my insecurity and relax and enjoy the relationship. I tell her my problems and she has had every chance to back out but she never has. My issues stress her out but it seems the pros outweigh the cons.
Thanks for that last bit. Really helped

She has stated she'd never date him as he's a bit of an ***. It was what it was if you see what I mean

Get yourself a hot 24 year old female friend and see how your girlfriend reacts.