[eggplantlife]

I am going to put the big overall topic of friendship here.
My mind is have a slight something like a pressure (i guess) so i might not be as clear or finish my thought.

I have always had friendship issue since coming to America and then moving around a lot. I spend a lot of time wishing on the stars for friends. I also didn't play like little kids as i was older female child and was forced to do a lot if house duties while my younger siblings played.

I had 2 really close friends in something like 1st grade but was short and cut really quickly when we moved. I went back with mother to see my friends but we never did as we wasn't sure apartment in one. This left a big hole in my heart for years as i never really got close to anyone until hs.

I do remember kids being around but i really didn't make connections until i was in high school. Those 3 years i was in certain hs, i had the most fun and friends.

Then college. I had friends, but most high school friends disappeared. My first major depression happened. Most of the issue was about friendships and how i felt i was being stabbed in the back. Those months i didn't go out. Nobody came looking for me. When i came out of depression and contacted people, very few got back in contact. I had school so made new friends, one big one came back and we became best friends. Another one, she was very angry at me for not talking to her. Then she didn't understand depression. Now she does.

But overall i do believe i have friends. I am alive today because of friends....well, one friend. I have shelter and food because of one friend and her family.

My family and exhusband abandoned me when i was feeling low about myself. So friends are all i had. I was very desperate and i reached out so much. I took whatever little friendship someone would give me. I was never like that before.

So i would like to completely resolve my friendship issue. I know i have friends but i have this nagging feeling that they aren't really there for me.

I know that you have to be a friend to have friends. I have lived most of my life like that. I try to be...NO! I am a really great friend.

People have said you do a lot for your friends. What i know is that friends don't feel the same way about me. The one friend who did passed away. But i made a mistake...well, we made a mistake of not being friends while i was married as it made my husband at the time feel jealous as my best friend was a male.

Well, i know he had a lot if friends as his death showed it. But i know deep inside that he felt we were best friends.

In my greatest time if need, he wasn't around physically...but ended up being friends with one if his relatives. I guess that was a blessing when we needed it. But that had problems.

Going back to friendship. I know i was not able to be a positive person because what i was going through.

I really don't know how to write this. I guess, i should edit it.

Overall, i know i have friends. People are kind enough to be friends, some just use you for work. I understand that friends can have their iwn thing to do...when you get older, get married, have children or have work. I know they can't soend time with you. I know people drift away and then cone back.

I guess, i might be relying on connection that suppose to be with family or lovr partner.

What i don't like hearing these past years was people telling me friends are your family now...and then they don't check up on me or contact me. I guess they meant that kind of family instead of family who support you and have your back.

What i am doing here is finally get rid of my anxiety about this issue and finally be with my group and feel secure like i once did. I really do believe there are good people and friends. But then when depression hits, i see who are there and not there.

I am at a new place and have to make new friends. I can't do a lot of things normal friends can do like go out and eat or see show or any stuff like that. I can't have peopke over as i don't have my own place so it is hard to grow friendships. But overall, i would like to keep the older ones i have. Actually, it's just me contacting them. Sometimes, i just want to give up and just let them go like they seem to wan to do. But i can't as it is my lifeblood thst keeps me together on this earth.

What are your thoughts about friendship?
Did i make sens.

[eggplantlife]

Sorry for typos.

[eggplantlife]

I guess i didn't make sense. I wasn't sure if this got posted.

I really want to hear what other people have to say about friendhips.

I mean i really don't feel good when people don't contact me.
One i am sort of sure they are but they never call like they say they would. People don't seem to want to be around me. I kind of feel i don't want to feel unwanted anymore.

[ptangptang]

Yeah the whole friendship thing is a mystery to me too. When is a person a friend and not just an acquaintance. I suppose if you keep them close, even if you move or change job. In that case all I've ever had are acquaintances. My fault as much as theirs maybe. So you're not alone in wondering this. The persona and vibes we think we give out could be totally different to what people actually perceive. I actually think I am too nice and too friendly. Maybe that comes across as weak and needy nd that turns people off.