[manicattack]

I have Bipolar I disorder. I was diagnosed way late in the game due to not being seen by a psychologist/psychiatrist until I was 20. I am 29, 30 in May. I have not been medicated for four years, and have been able to use healthy coping methods to control my mood swings. I went to regular counseling for five years.

I have constantly struggled with losing friends/romantic partners. While I do realize people grow apart for different reasons, I find that when I am strongly emotionally attached to someone, I have a hard time letting go- even after years of not speaking to someone. When I go through depressive episodes these feelings seem huge to me.

I had a good friend move out of the country when I was 22 and when she came back when I was 25, she cut me out of her life. I got no reason from her as to why she didn't want to be my friend. For a while, I thought it was because of my brother, whom she dated. She was very torn up by how he treated her and ended things, and I accepted her decision to cut me and my family from her life. She found out that her father had a child before he married her mother, and never told either of them- and that child happens to be my cousin, so it made things very, very awkward. It was something out of a soap opera, so I was okay with her cutting contact off.

I learned in the fall that she still speaks to my brother and other family members. She has blocked me from contacting her on Facebook, and even told mutual friends she has no interest in being my friend after I tried contacting her two years ago.

I have zero clue as to why this happened. None. It has been weighing heavily on my mind. I'm okay with relationships ending, if there is a reason. But without closure, I feel very anxious and sad about these things. I can't do anything- but it bothers me to the point that it keeps me awake at night.

I also had this happen with someone else, but the situation is slightly different and it's really complicated. Without getting into too many details, we were pretty involved during one of my worst manic-depressive episodes and things were really crazy. A lot of things happened that I couldn't make up, and eventually we had to stop hanging out and even quit talking for a while. When I got my life together, he ended up contacting me again and I apologized for all the crap I put him through and he told me it was all good, and he never thought twice about it or judged me. So we've kept in touch for a couple years and shared life events (he had a kid, I got married, he got married, etc).

Now I'm semi confused/hurt/angry because he refuses to acknowledge me out of nowhere. I have no idea, ONCE AGAIN, what the problem is. And I am too nervous/anxious/self-conscious to ask, and plus, because of my past with this person, I don't feel comfortable due to their experience with my neediness. I am not the same person and I know this, but I fear the backlash if this person thinks I'm acting that way again.

It's distressing. As I said, it's only with people I once had a strong emotional attachment to, so it's hard to say, "Screw it," like I do without anyone else that does this to me.

[kaliope]

i cant say i fully understand what you are going thru because of other mental health issue prevent me from forming strong emotional attachments and when people go away, it doesnt bother me. but i have had many friends go away without explanation and it has bothered me to an extend wondering what i did. i reconnected with several good highschool friends and there was such excitement and suddenly nothing. i did have one friend who cared to explain to me once in her frustration. she told me i exhausted her. i never forgot that. the frustration in her voice. i overwhelm people. just TMI, overload when I am cycling. one guy friend i had was exasperated saying he didnt know whether he had to call the police to do a welfare check on me and that was an unfair position to put him in. i just dont know how to edit. it is easier not to be my friend. i freak people out. so it could be something like this, maybe?

[manicattack]

Originally Posted by kaliope

i cant say i fully understand what you are going thru because of other mental health issue prevent me from forming strong emotional attachments and when people go away, it doesnt bother me. but i have had many friends go away without explanation and it has bothered me to an extend wondering what i did. i reconnected with several good highschool friends and there was such excitement and suddenly nothing. i did have one friend who cared to explain to me once in her frustration. she told me i exhausted her. i never forgot that. the frustration in her voice. i overwhelm people. just TMI, overload when I am cycling. one guy friend i had was exasperated saying he didnt know whether he had to call the police to do a welfare check on me and that was an unfair position to put him in. i just dont know how to edit. it is easier not to be my friend. i freak people out. so it could be something like this, maybe?

For the first friend, I would have to deny this being an issue because despite both of us having issues, we never had any problems being with each other. She had moved out of the country before I went through my first manic-depressive cycle. We were pretty close and even when we lived several hours from each other, we would take turns driving to see each other. Even in the middle of the night.

For the second friend, that was why we stopped talking for a long while. I was too much to handle and I left him alone. But we reconnected about three years ago and have talked on/off since. I beat myself up about things I did in the past and feel mortified even thinking that he still connects me with my past behaviors. We have very much moved on in our lives, but I still feel that remorse that our friendship crapped out and wish it were different.

I do not wish to actually tell him any such thing. I just have very strong emotions about the past and instead of feeling like these things happened eight years ago, they feel like they happened a week ago. During a mixed cycle (which I'm currently experiencing because of spring time), it's worse. I feel sad, nostalgic, mortified, etc, but have to hold back from just contacting people and telling them everything going through my mind (very vivid memories for me, but most likely not for them).

It's hard.