I have BPD - MY FAMILY HAS DISOWNED ME

I TRIED to explain to them what is involved, I mailed them literature and emails but neither of my sons had time to read it.

Within the past month in addition to my BPD and severe depression I have contracted severe pneumonia and a badly sprained ankle.

My younger son helped but he was quite sullen and resentful. I paid him money to help me.

My older son with whom I have always had a loving relationship and whom I have spent countless hours and years supporting him in his battle against parental alienation has turned into a cold-hearted bastard who told me he regrets that I have not killed myself.

I was thinking this afternoon, it suddenly occurred to me that most families pull together when one of them is sick.

Just like my abandonment by my mother my children are Act II.

I said some horrible things but I have had it up to here. I can't repeat all the things I said to that ungrateful selfish traitor.

I know that after everything I said my ties to my children are severed permanently.

But I refuse to accept responsibility I BEGGED FOR HELP and I begged for understanding in return for which I have been abandoned, the fear that has been with me all my life is finally come to fruition.

I am 65 years old and totally alone.

I can't believe my children turned out to have such cold hearts. I know you don't know me but trust me when I say we have always had warm relationships but the problem was when I NEEDED HELP - it is not allowed.

My mother was a cold, manipulative, physically and emotionally abusive woman who was not there when I needed her. Incredibly I find that my children have evolved to be just like her.

I'm trying to process this but trust me, any chance of my children ever being together again have been severed as if cut by a knife.

I needed my family, I needed understanding - my mother got her wish from the grave. I am alone and there is no going back.

Believe it or not, I am a very emotional tender-hearted person and I loved my children more than anything or anyone in the world. My problem is I keep remembering as they were when they were sweet babies. I cry for that time. I need to stop thinking of them that way. I cannot afford to let get of my anger because if I do I will fall apart.

You are all ****ing cowards two ****ing hypocrites

Hi, I know it feels bad to have nobody there who is willing to sit down, listen, and understand what you are going through. After reading your post, these three paragraphs caught my eye.

It's not very clear to me exactly why your children completely stopped talking to you. Regardless of your reasons for being pushed to the brink of doing so, maybe your words have caused them to think poorly of you or to be hurt - thus leading them to stay away from you? (this is all guesswork)

This might not be what you're looking for, but I found this article to be extremely helpful. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...ective-apology

Sometimes, in order to fix things, we have to make the first move. Even if it wasn't our fault.

I hope it will be of some use to you, if not now, for another time in the future. Hang in there

thanks for the article I will read it. But this is what frustrates me about mental issues. For any other disease you get support and caring for mental issues my experience is everyone leaves you which makes me angry so why, since I'm the one who has had unrelenting depression for over 2 years, am I once again the one whose supposed to heal everyone's wounded feelings. Thats part of my issue, that from childhood on no one has ever cared about me, I hoped by opening a dialogue and understanding that might change but not so - in fact it appears that my family has officially disintegrated at least where i'm concerned. I'm sure they will all get together and cluck their tongues at me though. I'm fed up, frankly, fed up with giving emotionally and geting nothing back. Now I'm angrier than ever which cements the disintegration of my family.

So I guess I'm supposed to apologize for my anger which is a symptom of my illness and I tried to explain but they were too busy to bother. No apology is owed me as usually, I am fed up to here with always being the feelings nursemaid.

I really am just about ready to tell the entire world to just leave me alone, don't mess with me and i won't with you. I want to find a way to immerse myself in my books and my flowers and maybe moving away at 65 years of age, all alone is scary but there's only bad memories here.

After years of banging my head against the wall, I moved away from my family and I have been trying ever since to form new connections, with some success. I still love them and keep in touch with them, I just had to decide they were not emotionally reliable. The less I needed them, the better our relationship became.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Have you tried counseling?

I know it is frustrating. My family also does not believe depression is something that exists or that I can even have. I think it is great you have tried to educate them and send them articles about your disposition. If they are not willing to learn, then it's on them yea?

You should NEVER have to apologize for your condition. It's not your fault.

Unfortunately, I think the symptoms of BPD do tend to confuse or alienate family and friends. That's the only reason I suggested apologizing for the outburst of anger.

It sounds like you've been trying really hard to make this work. How long has it been going on? growlycat makes a very good point. It's sad that it has to be like this, but sometimes the people who we need to understand us the most are not the right ones for that. If they cannot or do not have the patience to work things out with us and have meaningful conversations, then sometimes we have to look elsewhere.

I came to PC because I felt like I couldn't have those kinds of conversations with my family. They'd listen with one ear, and somehow warp it in their own brains, then say something that is not intentionally hurtful...but it hurts none-the-less. I have decided to just accept that mental illness is something they can't really comprehend. And I don't blame them for it.

The key is to also not blame yourself for it either.

I'm sorry if I offended you in any way with my previous post. I've noticed there are lots of good folks on here who struggle with the same type of mis-understanding from their loved ones. *gentle hugs* I really hope you can find support whether it's through therapy, this forum, or a miracle breakthrough.

My mother was a manipulative, abusive drunk. I had a hard time recognizing this until I was in middle school. I eventually became very distant with her. She favored my brothers very obviously and it was hard for me as a teenager to understand my mother was "sick."

As I got older, I recognized just how sick she was. She didn't want to hear it. She still favored my brothers and I was the black sheep- now also bearing the genetic mental and emotional issues she herself has but refuses to admit. Being bipolar myself, I recognized the issues in her finally. My mom is bipolar, and an alcoholic, and suffers from similar issues from her own mother.

After years of only taking stuff out on me, she finally turned to do it to my brothers when I moved thousands of miles away. She pushed them away, too.

Now, she tries to drag us all back by apologizing and saying things have changed.

We don't trust her. She was narcissistic and mean for too long, and she trained us to be how we are. While being sorry is great for you, it does nothing for the people you're saying it to.

I read an article months ago (I tried finding it, and can't) that was written in response to a woman that basically wrote that her son stopped talking to her and she has raised a spoiled brat, and that it is disgraceful that good parents have been raising brats that end up being ungrateful and not speaking to their parents for some dumb reason.

The response was that it probably wasn't for "some dumb reason." And told the woman to look back HONESTLY and think hard about why her son would just stop talking to her.

So, it goes on to possible issues, and one of them is narcissistic personality disorder relating to the mother. She thinks she has done nothing wrong and has apologized for all the wrong she could have done but that she just happened to raise an a-hole child.

Now, going back to your issue- I will tell you, I will forgive my mother but I won't forget. Neither will my brothers. She can whine about how we are never there for her all she wants. Where was she when I really needed her to be sane? She was drunk. Where was she when I, myself, needed help because I was suicidal? She was drunk, and ranting at me about being stupid for attempting suicide.

She didn't care enough to get herself help, but now that she needs help (my step dad had a stroke and my mother, while still able to work, is an alcoholic and needs to be drunk every moment NOT spent at work, and it is hard to take care of that when she is helping my step father), she is apologetic and blames us for her crap conditions in life.

You need to move on from being sad about your children not being there. You need to take care of yourself and prove that you ARE focusing on fixing your emotional/mental health issues. If/when they see this, then perhaps healing can begin.

But you cannot expect years of detriment on their part to be forgiven just because you need help now. It is not their fault that you need help. They do not deserve to be called names.

I would recommend speaking with a counselor and psychiatrist to get the help you need.

@manicattack

Are you perhaps referring to this article?



Reason for trigger: some vulgar and insensitive language

Yes, this is the article.

Thank you.

ETA: It was an actual letter to Dear Abby or something originally, though.

Thank you for trying to clarify your feelings and intentions. I want SO VERY MUCH for this rift to be healed and it would almost be comical how the efforts to do so have been thwarted with bad timing, illness, etc. Right now I am so sorry that I ever brought this up with my family. I hoped that in the absence of my mother who is deceased my family could help me find acceptance to move beyond these feelings that have plagued me all my life. Instead I seem to have opened up a can of worms. I may have mental issues and emotional issues but I can see the train wreck this has become and much of it is due to my anger issues. I have tried to talk to him but then he goes off on something else about how I do stupid stuff or questioning my judgment which makes me angry until I can't properly express myself and so I just yell something at him and hang up. I cannot control it, it is not a matter of not wanting to or not trying to - it has a life of its own. I have tried to explain this but at this point both of us are so far apart I don't see any hope at all. I'm disappointed and angry with the psychologist because it honestly to me does not appear he has any plan to help and he has made things worse yet for some reason my son has now decided he's the way to go so after not showing up the last time we were scheduled now he wants to go when I have lost confidence in him. I wrote him why but he says he doesn't read what I send anymore because a lot of it is unproductive and rude and he's right but the reason it is is because I am so frustrated with nowhere to express myself and so rather than explode or kill myself I write to him. Sometimes helpful sometimes not. The sad thing is that I do not feel we need anyone to help us - I feel the power is in both of us. I have asked him before to meet with me privately and he refuses. I am his mother and he is my son and i think we could reach an understanding face to face without any psychologist involved certainly the one I have now has not helped at all but made things worse by appearing to have betrayed me. It is ridiculous how much I want to reach out to him but he says something that sends me over the edge. If we could agree to sit down face to face, mother to son, not as the adversaries we have become, and agree to listen to the other this could be fixed but he won't and I won't go to the psychologist who actually is breaking the code of ethics meeting with my son without me. But at the end of it all right now I'm just sorry I ever said anything because the distance appears to be vast and unresolvable. We have gotten into this pattern and can't seem to break it. I'm just tired, i'm tired of trying to explain, I'm tired of everything. I feel hopeless and sad but right now as miserable as that is I am prepared to resign myself that thru some horrible twist of fate I have lost my family. I am weak and wounded but I just want to crawl into my hole and protect myself and let life go by as best i can.

I have never ever felt so sad and so hopeless in my life. I'm just worn out and have nothing left in me. I'm not even sure i can save myself.

You misunderstand when you say after years of detriment they cannot forget or understand - it has not been years, it has been the past 3 months that everything fell apart and while they may not deserve to be yelled at I did not deserve to be abandoned. I am trying very hard - I am the one who has admitted to my mental/emotional problems so it seems to me that like any other disease they would support me. All they have done to me is, just like my mother, abandon me. My mother was not there for me when among other things I was gang-raped or when my husband abused me she said "what did you do to make him do that". My sons have done to me what I was trying to heal from her.

I'm lost and hopeless and I do resent your statement that they are somehow right to turn their back on me. I have been a loving mother to both of them for over 40 years but now that I need help that doesn't seem to matter. I accept that I give up I just want everyone to stop saying i'm this or that, it was always my fault with my mother - no chance to explain just blanket guilt. Can't I ever just once in my life support me? The answer it appears is NO. I did not choose to have BPD like others did not choose to have cancer yet cancer patients are not yelled at and abandoned.

I think this is the kind of thing to which manicattack was referring. I am so sorry that this is happening to you. I am. I actually understand it. While I am in my mid-thirties, and do not have children, I have had circumstances where I absolutely had to lean on others and they were not there. I have to have a hip replacement (long story--I had an injury in childhood, aggravated it as a runner and all but destroyed the hip joint) which will keep me on crutches for 12-16 weeks; I live on the second floor of my apartment, the laundry room is on the other side of my building, grocery stores don't deliver...there simply is no way I can do that recovery on my own. I had to cancel my surgery because I didn't have people to rely on to help me, consistently, for that long.

I have a long history of pushing people away both with harsh words and by isolating myself. Yes, I am a very loyal, caring person--all of the people still in my life will say this. But they will also tell you that they know to steer clear when I get a "certain way." I'm a lot better than I used to be, but I still have my tendencies. I don't know you, your personality, or the relationship you have with your sons. But I have BPD, and I was raised by a mother with BPD. I think we do more pushing away than we realize/admit.

I've healed some relationships which I thought were completely broken, but it took a lot of space and for me to be humble, kind, and to hear people out when they said things I didn't necessarily like to hear. I know that this may upset you, and I'm sorry. Like I said though...I do understand. I've been there.

Are u seeing a therapist? Have u come over to the BPD forum. It might be helpful. We can give you support others without BPD can't. We have been here done that.
My children have a restricted relationship with me. This is for their own mental health and sanity. I respect their self protection. It is hard for our children. I was being treated by professionals throughout my entire children's life. I did this so I could be the best parent I could. I did not always work out. I fell and sometimes I did not have a great grip on reality.

Have you done DBT? They also have family groups to help. I don't believe I can ever apologize enough. I had a drunk and naraccistic mother and an emotionally absent father. I had my own abusive/neglected story too.

My children are not ok and the only one to blame is me. Their father died when they were young and left an ill equipped BPD to raise them on my own. I believe I should have never been a mother. I did not have the right equipment. If I had known I would have tried to prevent the pregnancies or give them up for adoption. My diagnosis was TOO late. I love my children with all my heart and always and still want the best for them. The best was and is not ME. I did very wrong and they under no circumstances deserved my mentally ill way of raising them. I accept wherever whenever they want a relationship. If they were to leave my life tomorrow it would hurt badly but I would know it is to protect themselves and I just want them to be healthy and happy and that might mean never seeing me again.

I'm sorry you had to put off your surgery - with something like that which takes so long recovering its nice to have it done so we can at least know we are part way thru the process.

Yes, I do push away, I have not lied, I have not tried to deny I say cruel things but I honestly cannot stop myself. My emotions are all over the place and it is exhausting. I started a discussion asking others to give their own feelings on being abandoned because after i read some things from others here and there, i realized its a huge problem and i am not alone in it. Maybe you will want to look at it. I hope that there is solace in numbers and that we can at least be there for each other. They may choose to look away but we are entitled to what support we can find and comfort too.

I hope you find a way to get your surgery underway. it sounds like it might mean you need to move somewhere that doesn't at least cut you off from laundry etc. Its a huge hurdle - surgery is, any kind, I hope you find a way to have it and put at least that problem in the past.

I was trying to figure out when the BPD forum was this weekend but it didn't say what time zone the listing was and I could find out how to "get there".

I had a psychologist but now I do not trust him because he is offering no suggestions for improvement - he just tells me its too bad my son and I are apart but that's the way it is. He tells me his daughters don't care about him. And in response to my statements of growing thoughts of suicide he suggested that I "take care of myself". it is not my imagination that he has changed. he's supposed to be helping me but now he sees my son privately, supposedly about something other than me but I find that hard to believe and it is my feeling it is against the code of ethics.

I'm trying to find someone new but its tedious and slow having to find someone I can afford who takes my insurance.

Missouri is supposed to be the best for mental health last time I check. I agree you should find a DBT therapists not just a general one. Most of them take almost all insurance. You need a specific kind of therapy. DBT and Schema are the best for BPD. Look in www.psychologytoday.com. When you reach the site look up therapist and find treatment options DBT. I saw 20 therapists just on that list.

Thanks. I have some family friends who have said that they would help out, but it is SUCH a huge undertaking, and they aren't young people. I have two cats, and they'd also need caring for...luckily the friends are cat lovers.

At this time, I am in a spot where I don't have adequate insurance to cover the surgery, or the ability to take that much time from work/school. I'm hoping within the next two years (and after I regain a full-time job, after graduation) I will be able to get this done because recovery will just be more difficult as I get older.

Thanks again, and best wishes to you.