[NKZee]

First off, let me apologize for the incoming wall-o-text, but I tend to be descriptive like this. At the end of this all I will have a few Questions that I hope a few here can, perhaps, answer;..

Alright. So, here's my summary; I am a 25 year old, sexually frustrated, and I presume chronically depressed Man who's constantly struggling with his own thoughts on a 24/7 hour basis. Thoughts of inadequacy, thoughts of trying to cope, to 'get past' my personal hangups, to succeed, and to get past my self worth issues and my habit of constantly comparing myself to others or rather, the 'me' I would wish to be as opposed to the 'me' that I am.

But alas, to begin my actual story;

I was born and raised by my single Mother, who has spend the majority of her life working as a waitress. I was raised without a father, and I was generally a very 'silent' and 'withdrawn' child according to my mother and other relatives. The type of kid that didn't cry, or scream. Infact, it was to the point that my mother used to check on me to see if everything was fine. From the ages of 1 to like 8-9 I vaguely remember my mother being present alot or bonding with me in any fashion. She went to work, came home, made dinner, and then I was taken care off by 'maids' she hired. Infact, at that age, I can by now only remember the maids faces and memories, none that involved my mother. Or a few only, infact.

Once I began going to school I quickly became the odd one out. Unattentive but not stupid, with a difficulty to make friends. It wasn't long until I was the 'bullied' one, and remained such for the remainder of my school times. It seemed that no matter what school I went to, there would always be someone to show up and bully me. Boys, Girls, I was the one left out. I would come home, be with my problems on my own, get little to no support from my mother as she herself identifies as "emotionally damaged goods" thanks to her own mothers sub-par upbringing. Even once my mother married again (A man she now divorced and had my little brother with, who now lives with his father in another country), and she had more time, I was at a point where, even when she tried once, or twice, to have me confide in her, I refused. I wasn't used to see her as someone I could trust. Infact, I refused calling her my Mother and began adressing her on first name basis once I became 12-13 years old. Something that has not changed to this day. Even the thought of addressing her affectionately as 'Mother' repulses me. (even though I don't particularly feel hatred to her anymore the way I used to when I was younger. Or resentment, I never figured out which it was exactly.)

Now, to get into my adolescence and early adult life; School went on the same, I was quite good at school although I didn't put any effort into it, and around 14 I began spending every minute I could muster online, Roleplaying. It was my form of escapism, my form to get something positive out of life. I only felt 'in' and 'at ease' Roleplaying, creating worlds and characters of my own. (It's also ironically what taught me English and sparked my interest for philosophy and psychology but I guess that's not as important). This 'cycle' so to speak continued on and on. I would do absolutely nothing for school unless pressured to because my grades began to show up negatively, I'd spend my days just 'drifting' through school, and I still managed to get through 'Realschule' and get my 'Mittlere Reife', Which is a sort of intermediary degree in the german school system. It's also around this time that I began masturbating, on a daily basis. Something that I've kept doing religiously up to a few days ago.

Anyway.. past my degree I tried to get another higher degree, where things got 'really' bad for a while. I was suffering from anxiety attacks at school because I was ridiculed in quite a strong fashion, once again the odd one out. I had gone from being one of the more popular 'kids in the first half of the year (since I was able to show off some of my smarts and the class was composed differently) to becoming the complete loser again around the end of the year once classes where shifted (and I became the target of some ridicule at the hands of girls and boys alike in the class). I think it was during that time that I developed my depression, perhaps earlier even. But a certain sense of feeling 'depressed' has since accompanied me for the majority of my life. Infact..I can't remember a time anymore where I haven't felt in some way inferior, numbed or unwanted.

It was also during this time that I took a part-time job as a Security employee (Mall-Cop esque things basically). Once my grades shifted downwards, and I had a falling out with my mothers with whom I was in a constant split, I ended up abandoning school, starting to work full-time once I hit 18 and since then kept working on and off in Security. The first company I worked in was led by a guy around my age that time (A young man who was funded by a retired police officer who was kind off tutoring him). We became friends quite fast, and he was more or less the complete opposite of me. an Extroverted ladies man, confident, aggressive (and, as I'd later find out, not only depressed but with highly sociopathic tendencies) [And no, his name's not Tyler Durden, even if the parallels might be striking at this point xD]

Anyway. I worked for him for a few years, and got to see how the world acted/reacted to him, which was a life lesson of his own. Girls literally kissed the floor he waltzed on, he got away with being unfaithful, arrogant, insulting, abusive and so much more, and people kept coming back to him for more. Because he knew how to charm people. And because he had a keen eye on how to manipulate people. He was also extremely petty. Even the slightest measure of anything 'anti-him' was squashed, either directly through a threat or more subtly through manipulating.

One way or another, he tried to build me up a bit, I don't know to this day whether it was through an actual sense of friendship or, as one of his ex-girlfriends used to call it 'I seemed like the dog running around him'. We went to parties, I started drinking, smoking, socializing. I made my foray into being 'social' through him, and, for better or worse, I'd probably be far more of a recluse nowadays if not for that time period. However, when it came to the ladies, I had absolutely no luck myself. I couldn't attract any, I couldn't find anyone..Infact I was so anxious to talk and approach girls that I more or less blew every effort, got laughed at at a turn here and there and well, the rest became a self-defeating cycle of anxiety just at the thought of approaching a girl with something meaningful except pointless banter.

Nonethenless, I ended up losing my virginity at 21 through a sort of 'getting lucky' type of scenario. One that involved me getting with a Girl that secretly had a crush on my said friend at the time. I found that out a week later and, well, things never where the same quite after. A few more anxiety ridden sexual encounters here and there with similar situations and I ended up.. well, resenting women for a while. It seemed to be a thing for women in my life to take a sledgehammer and crush any resemblance of manhood I had with one swift swing. That, paired with the lingering depression got me eventually to my first (and only) semi-suicide attempt, but to keep within the sites limitations, I wont elaborate on it.

As for my good/best-friend at that time, all of his employees, including me, ended up quitting his company as we caught him trying to embezzle money from us all. that ended the friendship aswell.

Anyway..fast forward to the current last two years. I was working at a new security gig, and my mother was living now in my home. Why? because she fell into gambling addiction and lost her own home. I literally fed her through 2 years from my own work and money, from which I spend 5-6 Months recuperating from a pilonidal cyst removal. Eventually I kicked my mother out after catching her gambling for a consecutive time, (after which she's seemingly found her center again and a man in her life to 'be happy with') I'm still stuck at the security job, albeit for another company.

At the particular work place I am at now, I thought I had found my actual 'love of my life', a girl in which I saw many traits of myself in. (In the romantic kind of way. Same interests, both introverts at heart, artistically inclined, both the odd one out in our youths). Problem; She was/is in a Relationship. What followed, more or less, "Destroyed" my self confidence in a way I never thought possible. I was already lacking sexual experience, and I was more or less used to not entirely fulfilling a girls needs in bed because here in germany you're extremely odd in the dating scene if you're past 24 and can count your sexual experiences on one hand. (and no, that's not a wank-job joke,). Anyway.. after alot of back and forth, a little romantic episode of sharing our innermost emotions for eachother, realizing that we indeed felt more for one another then just attraction, and having her almost move over to my place (She wanted to bring a few of her private things over) and leave her current (at that point almost ex-boyfriend), she ended up staying at my place.

One thing led to another,and I more or less acted like the inexperienced boar that I was at that moment and..well, she didn't say it straight to my face, but I knew it was more or less over the way she reacted the following day. The first Hammer came in the subtle wording of "Perhaps being with Girls is better for her after all". Ofcourse all I could hear was "You where so ****** that I'm giving up on guys now"

The ego-shattering (and mind-****ing) bit was when I saw her apparent still-BF she has had so much trouble with pick her up from work (as we worked within the same viccinity) exactly 48 hours later. Which ofcourse made me judge her honesty in all of it but alas..


I all-around feel like a complete failure because I live a rather (in my opinion) unfulfilling life. I know that alot of my life is, and always will be in my own hands. Growing up Fatherless and without a mothers loving care has ****ed me up in ways I believe I will never be able to cope with fully, and I can't help but to see this very line of failures, of piling up mistakes, of people just being sources of misery for me. (espeially with women and sexually). But also in my personal life, being a quitter, having little to be proud of, and so on. I earn a livelihood that is a joke, about 400-500 USD over the bare minimum you get on welfare here in germany. I wasted my talents, I know I could've gotten through further schools and even studied. I don't say this in a sense of arrogance or a delusion of grandeur, but because I know that academic fields and learning in many ways are simply things that I enjoy. I fully believe in the fact that we never stop learning, and never should stop trying to improve ourself.

Yet at the same time I can't seem to be able to un-screw myself, no matter what I do.

My anxieties and this lingering, never ending depression (Which I now consider an almost 'default/normal' state for me, given I can't remember a time I was truly 'happy' or atleast 'content' with my life), have me believe that no matter what I will do, if I will get success in life or not, people will still be people, I will still end up resenting people around me, I wont find methods to cope with my anxieties and fears, and at the core of it lies this deep thought of 'all this realization is coming a little too late'. As If there's no chance for me to un-screw myself.

I know that Therapy might be an option, and I was prescribed anti-depressants once, but I quit them eventually. the episode of depression I 'had' been suffering was immense during the time my mother lived at my place. The kicker, and why I don't trust therapists anymore is that my Mothers therapist actually adviced her to participate in an Interview that was meant to be anonymous.

The next day she was on the front-page of our cities local Newspaper. Displayed with a 'back-shot' that had everyone that knew her still recognize her. With such experiences, how are you to trust anyone, let alone apparent professionals that even advocate such retarded moves? But all in all, I might be a bit bitter so far into all of this.. so I'll simply try to get my questions in;

My questions are ;

Has anyone ever had to cope with growing up without a Father / Mother, and how have you coped/dealt with the lack of love thereof? or lack of nurturing and care? How has it impacted you and, have you found a way to get through it?

and;

What would any of you suggest for me to do at this point? I'm trying my hardest to still improve myself and become better. I've quit what I probably presume to have been a 'porn' addiction, I'm eating healther, exercising, generally starting to take charge of my life again but.. no matter how much positives I tend to bring into my life, I feel like a failure as a man. I'm afraid to get a similar reaction from a woman if I get intimate with her again. Especially afraid to get emotionally intimate moreso then physically.

[DestarKnight]

Let me start off with I'm probably as bad off as you are. Somethings I've been through are similar, while others are completely unrelatable. All I can offer is this. So long as you have hope and push for a future, one that is completely within your power to achieve, you can have. Relationships require two people, so no amount of advice can help, but being careful of who you let into your life, can help keep some of those problems in check. As I said, I'm far from the right person to give advice, expecially with where I am in my own life, but hope is a very powerful thought and it can get you through some of the toughest times. Goodfriends help too.

[hvert]

I like your Tyler Durden reference! I think your life so far would make a good novel, especially the way you tell it.

Re: romance: the more practice you have, the easier it gets. The fear of failure/anxiety about going there again is very understandable, but disappointing romances are a fact of life if your life is to include romances. There's a saying about kissing a lot of frogs before you find your prince and I think it applies to princesses as well. The two situations you described in your post are probably far more common than you might think.

I also really doubt that something you did had anything to do with that last woman telling you that she wasn't interested after all. She sounds like she had a lot of baggage in the first place. It's generally best, I think, to avoid people who want to start dating you before they've broken up with their current partner. They very often *don't* wind up leaving their partner and just string along whoever they are seeing on the side. Some people like to taste forbidden fruit, and once they've had a bite of the apple, they want to move on to pears. The trick, I think, is getting enough experience to recognize people who play those kinds of games.

You're taking very good steps and all of the positive changes you are bringing into your life will work out for you one way or another. How do things work over there with regard to school? Can you go back at this point to study something else? I have found that classes are a wonderful way to meet people.

In terms of having crummy parents, one of the biggest problems I've had is a sense that I don't know what normal is. I don't know where boundaries should be. I've found it helpful to read up on dysfunctional families, narcissism, adult children of alcoholics to kind of open my eyes up to various patterns that I might have carried from my childhood into my adult life. I have no idea if that is relevant to your situation or not.

Realizing all this stuff at 25 is way better than realizing it at 60, right? You still have plenty of time to correct your course.